Last year I went to Valley Bible Church. This year I went to the Richmond youth group. Both this year and last year, I learned some new things about Good Friday and communion that really struck my heart.
Communion is a way to remember Jesus. The bread represents Jesus's body and the wine (grape juice) represents his blood. We Christians do communion together to remember that Jesus had died for our salvation. We do it in the same way that Jesus had taught his disciples. The first communion, or the last supper, was a Passover. Passover was celebrated by the Jewish community to remember the time when God allowed the Israelites to leave the land of Egypt. God destroyed the Egyptians families by bringing on the death of every first born son, but allowed the Israelite families to continue. The Israelites had to eat unleavened bread and paint the blood of lambs on their doors. But when Jesus came down to earth, the angel of death passes us all, because Jesus's blood replaced the blood of sacrificial lambs. It is the exact same Passover we celebrate. Except now Jesus's blood covers all of us.
When we do communion at church, we're used to little pieces of precut shapes of crackers and small things of grape juice or those big cups of actual wine that everyone shares. Today, at the youth group, the Pastor had actually brought one big thing of bread. It wasn't unleavened, but back in the day, everyone shared in one big piece of bread. We each tore off a piece of the bread. Just as Jesus's body had literally been torn and ripped apart in order for us to have salvation. We dunked the bread into a bowl of grape juice, representing how Jesus's body was covered in his own blood. Jesus went through so much pain and suffering (Passion of Christ, 2004) so that we may have eternal life. And we will remember that. Always.
Thank you Lord.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Q.T. #4
Daniel 2:14-23
Title: God Opens Doors
What I got out of it:
Fellowship
Matthew 18:20
For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them.
When we pray, God will hear us. But when we pray together, it has a much stronger affect. Jesus's presence can truly be felt when we gather together in fellowship. It is why it is so important to pray for others and ask for others to pray for you. It is why going to church is so important. It is why having Christian friends is so important.
Daniel knew this, and he asked his friends for prayer when he went to confront the King. Praying with your friends increases the power of prayer exponentially.
Title: God Opens Doors
What I got out of it:
Fellowship
Matthew 18:20
For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them.
When we pray, God will hear us. But when we pray together, it has a much stronger affect. Jesus's presence can truly be felt when we gather together in fellowship. It is why it is so important to pray for others and ask for others to pray for you. It is why going to church is so important. It is why having Christian friends is so important.
Daniel knew this, and he asked his friends for prayer when he went to confront the King. Praying with your friends increases the power of prayer exponentially.
Fasting
In order to remember Jesus's suffering, we, the youth group and I, are fasting for a 24 hour time period before we break fast together with communion. That meant that starting 7:30pm today (technically yesterday now) until 7:30pm dinner time on Good Friday, no solids. Lots of water. And during that one hour lunch break I have, I will bring my QT book to work with me and do QT and make another blog entry at work. I work alone in my file room so I can lock the door during lunch and everything'll be ok.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Q.T. #3
Daniel 2:1-13
This is what I really got from today's QT:
"Natural knowledge puffs up its possessor, and the more he has, the more self-sufficient he deems himself. But it is the very opposite with spiritual wisdom - the more God bestows of that upon His child, the more ignorant and stupid he feels himself to be, and the more dependent upon the Holy Spirit he becomes."
James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom - let him ask of God - who gives to all liberally and upbraids not; and it shall be given him.
My prayer:
Lord, bring me to the point where I am fully dependent on you every day and every hour of my waking moments.
This is what I really got from today's QT:
"Natural knowledge puffs up its possessor, and the more he has, the more self-sufficient he deems himself. But it is the very opposite with spiritual wisdom - the more God bestows of that upon His child, the more ignorant and stupid he feels himself to be, and the more dependent upon the Holy Spirit he becomes."
James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom - let him ask of God - who gives to all liberally and upbraids not; and it shall be given him.
My prayer:
Lord, bring me to the point where I am fully dependent on you every day and every hour of my waking moments.
Changing Lives
One of the reasons why I want to be a teacher is so I can help the kids that can't help themselves because they're too young to stand up for what's right. I want to be that kind of teacher that's like a mother to those that need a motherly figure.
This is why:
I don't remember what grade this was. I was very young and in elementary school. I don't even remember which school it was, either. Or who the teacher was. I don't even remember if I even had a sister at that age. When you have a nightmare, the worse the nightmare is, the more vivid and real it seems. But in reality, the worse a situation is, the more dreamlike it is and you can't really remember a thing.
It was the weekend. Something terrible was going on downstairs. I went down, and my parents were fighting like always. Again, my dad was blaming my mom for something she probably didn't do, and I knew she didn't deserve to get yelled at like that everyday. This time I finally got up the courage to say something. I walked towards my mom, stood next to her, and told my dad that she didn't do anything wrong. That probably took up every ounce of courage I had. My dad got angry that I talked back to him. He raised his hand like he was about to slap me. My mom yelled at him that I didn't do anything wrong and he shouldn't be taking things out on me. The rest of the scene is very hazy. Like a dream, where time goes by and you don't even know. Did minutes pass? Hours? I don't remember what time of the day it was. Just that it was daytime. The rest of the week is a blank. The week before was a blank. Heck, I don't even remember when during my life that this happened. And when I mean that the scene is hazy, I mean that I don't even remember the details of the room. I know we had carpet. My dad was holding one of those black metal chairs. He hit my mom across the back, and she fell. I don't know whether she walked or crawled to the front door, or if she was even next to the door to begin with. I don't even know where I was in the room when this happened. When i remember this event, it's like I'm going dizzy, spinning around with my parents at the center. My mom opened the door. Yelled at my dad to keep on going so the whole neighborhood can see how he treats his family. He went upstairs. I don't know how, but my mom got to the telephone. It was hanging on a wall. She called the police. She started crying. This was the very first time I saw my mom cry. I've only ever seen her actually cry twice in my life. The other times, I just hear her. The police came in, and my dad came downstairs. One of the policemen pointed at me, telling my dad how scared I was. How I was hiding in the corner, shaking. I didn't even realize it until the man pointed it out. When did I get into this corner? Was I here the whole time? When did I start shaking? There were tears on my face. Since when did I start crying? Have I been quietly sobbing the whole time or did I cry out loud? I tried to get a hold of myself. The next thing I remember my dad was gone. He went out with the police. My mom was still crying. She was telling me that we should do something to get my dad back. He is my dad afterall, and he runs the family. I remember that I was the one who told the police what had happened. When I said all that, I don't remember. I told my mom that I was sorry that I told the police. That I thought that's what she wanted. But in truth, I wasn't sorry. Why did we need a dad like that? Couldn't she just take care of us? We didn't need someone like that in ours lives. I would be fine without a dad. Better no dad then a dad that makes everyone feel miserable all the time. I think the next day, my dad came back. All I remember was that he stopped fighting with my mom for a while after and that there was peace in my family for a while. I don't know how long it lasted, maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe months. But I was glad. Although I never said it, I wish my mom would have called the police on him more often.
On Monday, I went to school. One of the first assignments of the day, a warmup, was to write down something that I remember happened over the weekend. If nothing interesting happened, we could make something up. I wrote down everything. About what happened to my dad. I was hoping that my teacher would read it and be able to help me get away from my dad somehow. After everyone was done writing, I thought we would hand it in, because that's what we always did with the warmups. But the teacher said that everyone had to share what they wrote. We had to get up in front of the class and read it out loud to everyone. I raised my hand and told the teacher that what I wrote was too private to tell the class. Couldn't she just read it? Did the whole class have to know? But she told me that if it wasn't something I was willing to share with everyone, then I should erase it and write something else. I was upset. But I did what I was told. I erased that story and made up something about going to a park.
That's when I realized that I was too young to do anything with my life. I was too young to get away from a situation that I was trapped in. I couldn't run away because there was nowhere to go. I didn't know where any of my friends lived. The teacher wouldn't help me. No adults would help me if even my teacher wouldn't help me. How would I eat? How would I go to school? I had no money for buses or food. There was no way I could survive on my own at that age.
And so one of the things that I want to accomplish as a teacher is to not let any kid slip by. In the teacher's point of view, everyone must have had a great weekend, but this one kid wrote something she didn't want to share. So the teacher tells the kid she should just write something that she did want to share instead. A tiny detail that the teacher missed could have changed a child's life forever.
I want to be a teacher to change lives.
This is why:
I don't remember what grade this was. I was very young and in elementary school. I don't even remember which school it was, either. Or who the teacher was. I don't even remember if I even had a sister at that age. When you have a nightmare, the worse the nightmare is, the more vivid and real it seems. But in reality, the worse a situation is, the more dreamlike it is and you can't really remember a thing.
It was the weekend. Something terrible was going on downstairs. I went down, and my parents were fighting like always. Again, my dad was blaming my mom for something she probably didn't do, and I knew she didn't deserve to get yelled at like that everyday. This time I finally got up the courage to say something. I walked towards my mom, stood next to her, and told my dad that she didn't do anything wrong. That probably took up every ounce of courage I had. My dad got angry that I talked back to him. He raised his hand like he was about to slap me. My mom yelled at him that I didn't do anything wrong and he shouldn't be taking things out on me. The rest of the scene is very hazy. Like a dream, where time goes by and you don't even know. Did minutes pass? Hours? I don't remember what time of the day it was. Just that it was daytime. The rest of the week is a blank. The week before was a blank. Heck, I don't even remember when during my life that this happened. And when I mean that the scene is hazy, I mean that I don't even remember the details of the room. I know we had carpet. My dad was holding one of those black metal chairs. He hit my mom across the back, and she fell. I don't know whether she walked or crawled to the front door, or if she was even next to the door to begin with. I don't even know where I was in the room when this happened. When i remember this event, it's like I'm going dizzy, spinning around with my parents at the center. My mom opened the door. Yelled at my dad to keep on going so the whole neighborhood can see how he treats his family. He went upstairs. I don't know how, but my mom got to the telephone. It was hanging on a wall. She called the police. She started crying. This was the very first time I saw my mom cry. I've only ever seen her actually cry twice in my life. The other times, I just hear her. The police came in, and my dad came downstairs. One of the policemen pointed at me, telling my dad how scared I was. How I was hiding in the corner, shaking. I didn't even realize it until the man pointed it out. When did I get into this corner? Was I here the whole time? When did I start shaking? There were tears on my face. Since when did I start crying? Have I been quietly sobbing the whole time or did I cry out loud? I tried to get a hold of myself. The next thing I remember my dad was gone. He went out with the police. My mom was still crying. She was telling me that we should do something to get my dad back. He is my dad afterall, and he runs the family. I remember that I was the one who told the police what had happened. When I said all that, I don't remember. I told my mom that I was sorry that I told the police. That I thought that's what she wanted. But in truth, I wasn't sorry. Why did we need a dad like that? Couldn't she just take care of us? We didn't need someone like that in ours lives. I would be fine without a dad. Better no dad then a dad that makes everyone feel miserable all the time. I think the next day, my dad came back. All I remember was that he stopped fighting with my mom for a while after and that there was peace in my family for a while. I don't know how long it lasted, maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe months. But I was glad. Although I never said it, I wish my mom would have called the police on him more often.
On Monday, I went to school. One of the first assignments of the day, a warmup, was to write down something that I remember happened over the weekend. If nothing interesting happened, we could make something up. I wrote down everything. About what happened to my dad. I was hoping that my teacher would read it and be able to help me get away from my dad somehow. After everyone was done writing, I thought we would hand it in, because that's what we always did with the warmups. But the teacher said that everyone had to share what they wrote. We had to get up in front of the class and read it out loud to everyone. I raised my hand and told the teacher that what I wrote was too private to tell the class. Couldn't she just read it? Did the whole class have to know? But she told me that if it wasn't something I was willing to share with everyone, then I should erase it and write something else. I was upset. But I did what I was told. I erased that story and made up something about going to a park.
That's when I realized that I was too young to do anything with my life. I was too young to get away from a situation that I was trapped in. I couldn't run away because there was nowhere to go. I didn't know where any of my friends lived. The teacher wouldn't help me. No adults would help me if even my teacher wouldn't help me. How would I eat? How would I go to school? I had no money for buses or food. There was no way I could survive on my own at that age.
And so one of the things that I want to accomplish as a teacher is to not let any kid slip by. In the teacher's point of view, everyone must have had a great weekend, but this one kid wrote something she didn't want to share. So the teacher tells the kid she should just write something that she did want to share instead. A tiny detail that the teacher missed could have changed a child's life forever.
I want to be a teacher to change lives.
Q.T. #2
Two days ago I was supposed to post this. It doesn't mean that I didn't do the Q.T... I did. I just didn't make a blog on it. What I didn't do was the Q.T. yesterday. Oops. But I'll do one today.
The title was Faith in Wisdom. And the story was a continuation from the one before, where Daniel asks the person in charge of them to put their faith to the test and see whether or not they're healthy when given different food to eat. And it ends up that they were the healthier than the ones who did eat the royal food. The Q.T. book continues on about how wisdom will provide stronger faith and having faith will result in wisdom. But that's not what I got out of it.
The thing I got out of it was the leap of faith. It requires a TON of faith to tell someone that you know that God will make you better than everyone else by not eating the food that's obviously the best in the country because the King's eating it and eating nothing but veggies. The Israelites were just taken over by the Babylonians. Daniel's friends from before were probably going without much food. And here Daniel is with plates of food around him and he says, 'No. Not eating these foods will make me stronger.'
But this story is completely out of context from our world.
I want to be a teacher. I'm in the process of becoming a teacher right now. Teaching is my calling. It's what I know God wants me to do. Yet I have a degree in Chemical Engineering. Teaching doesn't pay much. Engineering does.
Say I have a teaching job. I'm making 40k. I've been at it for a couple years. Fifteen more years will get me up to about 60k. But that'll probably be the max amount of salary I can get as a teacher. Again, it's my calling. It's what I'm meant to do. But then this company comes around to recruit me. 'Jeen, I think you'll make an excellent leader. Come join us. Starting salary will be 6 digits.' I'm doubling my salary. What do I do? With all that money I know I can do other things. Probably good things, good for the community, good for God. But that's my idea. What would God want me to do? Probably keep teaching. But what about all that extra money that I can give to the church? It would take me a great leap of faith to refuse the offer.
Ok, so not everyone can feel me on this. But for me it's a huge deal. That would be my 'Daniel' story. Trusting that by doing only what God would want me to do and forgoing my personal wants, God would end up giving me something greater than what the world has to offer.
The title was Faith in Wisdom. And the story was a continuation from the one before, where Daniel asks the person in charge of them to put their faith to the test and see whether or not they're healthy when given different food to eat. And it ends up that they were the healthier than the ones who did eat the royal food. The Q.T. book continues on about how wisdom will provide stronger faith and having faith will result in wisdom. But that's not what I got out of it.
The thing I got out of it was the leap of faith. It requires a TON of faith to tell someone that you know that God will make you better than everyone else by not eating the food that's obviously the best in the country because the King's eating it and eating nothing but veggies. The Israelites were just taken over by the Babylonians. Daniel's friends from before were probably going without much food. And here Daniel is with plates of food around him and he says, 'No. Not eating these foods will make me stronger.'
But this story is completely out of context from our world.
I want to be a teacher. I'm in the process of becoming a teacher right now. Teaching is my calling. It's what I know God wants me to do. Yet I have a degree in Chemical Engineering. Teaching doesn't pay much. Engineering does.
Say I have a teaching job. I'm making 40k. I've been at it for a couple years. Fifteen more years will get me up to about 60k. But that'll probably be the max amount of salary I can get as a teacher. Again, it's my calling. It's what I'm meant to do. But then this company comes around to recruit me. 'Jeen, I think you'll make an excellent leader. Come join us. Starting salary will be 6 digits.' I'm doubling my salary. What do I do? With all that money I know I can do other things. Probably good things, good for the community, good for God. But that's my idea. What would God want me to do? Probably keep teaching. But what about all that extra money that I can give to the church? It would take me a great leap of faith to refuse the offer.
Ok, so not everyone can feel me on this. But for me it's a huge deal. That would be my 'Daniel' story. Trusting that by doing only what God would want me to do and forgoing my personal wants, God would end up giving me something greater than what the world has to offer.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Q.T. #1
Today's QT came from the book of Daniel.
Daniel 1:1-9
Faithful in Exile
The background of the story is after years of being in the Promised Land given by God, the Israelites were enjoying the land but forgetting about God who gave it to them. God allowed the Babylonians to take over as a form of punishment, destroying their land and their temples.
Daniel and a few other Israelites are allowed to serve in the new King's palace. They're given good food and wine, good clothing, etc. Daniel was faithful to God, however, and refused the King's food and wine because it was against the Hebrew laws.
God is merciful, and to those who are faithful to Him, He will allow for hope and success in the darkest of situations. Daniel was so faithful, however, that he decided to obey God over the opportunity to succeed. His faithfulness was a higher priority than his personal situation.
I want to be like Daniel. In my post, Courage, I wrote a prayer where I will be able to keep to my beliefs no matter what situation may come.
Conviction: A firmly held belief that is not persuadable
How do I have conviction in God? Because I saw God's hand in every part of my life. Because I heard his voice whisper in my ear. Because I felt his love overpower me. I must never forget what He's done for me. I will do what I can for Him and try to continue in the path of a faithful child of Christ.
Daniel 1:1-9
Faithful in Exile
The background of the story is after years of being in the Promised Land given by God, the Israelites were enjoying the land but forgetting about God who gave it to them. God allowed the Babylonians to take over as a form of punishment, destroying their land and their temples.
Daniel and a few other Israelites are allowed to serve in the new King's palace. They're given good food and wine, good clothing, etc. Daniel was faithful to God, however, and refused the King's food and wine because it was against the Hebrew laws.
God is merciful, and to those who are faithful to Him, He will allow for hope and success in the darkest of situations. Daniel was so faithful, however, that he decided to obey God over the opportunity to succeed. His faithfulness was a higher priority than his personal situation.
I want to be like Daniel. In my post, Courage, I wrote a prayer where I will be able to keep to my beliefs no matter what situation may come.
Conviction: A firmly held belief that is not persuadable
How do I have conviction in God? Because I saw God's hand in every part of my life. Because I heard his voice whisper in my ear. Because I felt his love overpower me. I must never forget what He's done for me. I will do what I can for Him and try to continue in the path of a faithful child of Christ.
Waking Moments
What is it that we spend most of our waking moments doing? Thinking about? Wanting to do? During our free time, what is our go to thing? What is the one thing that we offer up our time and money to?
It's different for everybody. For some people it's the other gender. For others it's entertainment, such as TV or movies. For others it's music. For some people it's alcohol. For others it could be a group of people.
For this week, the week before Easter, the youth group at my church has decided to give that thing up. By giving it up, it frees us time, money, and energy to devote to God (and probably a lot of other necessary things we've been procrastinating on). They're giving it up in remembrance of Jesus's suffering because of His great love for us. He gave up everything for us; we should be able to give up just one thing for Him.
I decided to join them. This week, I'm going to be giving up TV shows. Watching TV shows has been consuming me. Half the time I'm awake, I'm thinking about what's going to happen next in the plot. What is the protagonist going to do? How will he or she get out of that terrible situation? What would I do if it were me? Wouldn't it be wonderful if my life was like that show? Am I even flexible enough to kick that high? That girl is so lucky to be married to that guy. The list goes on. I'm currently in the middle of watching nine different shows, too. Any time I have free time, I've been putting off chores and exercise to watch just one more episode. That one more episode usually turns out to be three or four.
Giving up watching TV shows will give me more time to do my laundry, do the dishes, take out the trash, etc. I'll have more time to go on walks and exercise. I'll have more time to reach out to friends I haven't talked to in a while. And most importantly, I'll have more time to devote to God. To pray to Him, to talk to Him, and to be in his Word.
The reason why I've become so obsessed with watching TV is because it lets me forget about myself. It lets me forget about what I'm doing and the situation I'm in. It lets me forget my feelings and dive into a fantasy world where I can be someone else for a little while. It gives me happiness that I can't get from myself. But all those things that I can get from watching TV, I should be able to get from being with God.
So that's what I'm going to do this week.
Along with giving up watching shows, I've also decided to do a challenge. For five days, today through Friday, I'm going to do QT everyday and write a post on whatever it is that I learn, glean, or remember from the QT. I'm actually supposed to be doing QT everyday, except I've only been doing it once or twice a week.
Hopefully from this week's experience, my addiction to TV and other things will be quenched and I'll learn to want to spend more time with God over other things.
It's different for everybody. For some people it's the other gender. For others it's entertainment, such as TV or movies. For others it's music. For some people it's alcohol. For others it could be a group of people.
For this week, the week before Easter, the youth group at my church has decided to give that thing up. By giving it up, it frees us time, money, and energy to devote to God (and probably a lot of other necessary things we've been procrastinating on). They're giving it up in remembrance of Jesus's suffering because of His great love for us. He gave up everything for us; we should be able to give up just one thing for Him.
I decided to join them. This week, I'm going to be giving up TV shows. Watching TV shows has been consuming me. Half the time I'm awake, I'm thinking about what's going to happen next in the plot. What is the protagonist going to do? How will he or she get out of that terrible situation? What would I do if it were me? Wouldn't it be wonderful if my life was like that show? Am I even flexible enough to kick that high? That girl is so lucky to be married to that guy. The list goes on. I'm currently in the middle of watching nine different shows, too. Any time I have free time, I've been putting off chores and exercise to watch just one more episode. That one more episode usually turns out to be three or four.
Giving up watching TV shows will give me more time to do my laundry, do the dishes, take out the trash, etc. I'll have more time to go on walks and exercise. I'll have more time to reach out to friends I haven't talked to in a while. And most importantly, I'll have more time to devote to God. To pray to Him, to talk to Him, and to be in his Word.
The reason why I've become so obsessed with watching TV is because it lets me forget about myself. It lets me forget about what I'm doing and the situation I'm in. It lets me forget my feelings and dive into a fantasy world where I can be someone else for a little while. It gives me happiness that I can't get from myself. But all those things that I can get from watching TV, I should be able to get from being with God.
So that's what I'm going to do this week.
Along with giving up watching shows, I've also decided to do a challenge. For five days, today through Friday, I'm going to do QT everyday and write a post on whatever it is that I learn, glean, or remember from the QT. I'm actually supposed to be doing QT everyday, except I've only been doing it once or twice a week.
Hopefully from this week's experience, my addiction to TV and other things will be quenched and I'll learn to want to spend more time with God over other things.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Highway Traffic
My best friend and I were once talking about how people in the East Bay are the slowest when it comes to driving on the highways.
I have encountered several times when I just wanted to run over the car in front of me. There was a time when the car in front of me, again on the highway, was going 40mph. 40 mph is the speed you can go on local roads. Highways are for twice that speed. Oftentimes I see those huge trucks going 10mph under the speed limit still go much faster than cars around them. It's really annoying. This is when there is no traffic. When there is traffic, it would probably be faster to bike.
However, as soon as you get out of the East Bay, everyone suddenly starts driving faster. All the cars around me were going 70-80mph. Even the big trucks were going faster.
The reason why I'm writing about this is because I drove to Fairfield to take my last CSET today. Oakland is much closer, but the next available one is next week. As soon as I crossed the bridge, all the cars suddenly started to slow down. There weren't more cars, just slower cars. Needless to say, I kept switching lanes trying to weave through a maze of cars and trucks while I was driving back to work. Again, the traffic wasn't due to the amount of cars on the highway. Just the speed of the cars.
Slow drivers are annoying. =[
I have encountered several times when I just wanted to run over the car in front of me. There was a time when the car in front of me, again on the highway, was going 40mph. 40 mph is the speed you can go on local roads. Highways are for twice that speed. Oftentimes I see those huge trucks going 10mph under the speed limit still go much faster than cars around them. It's really annoying. This is when there is no traffic. When there is traffic, it would probably be faster to bike.
However, as soon as you get out of the East Bay, everyone suddenly starts driving faster. All the cars around me were going 70-80mph. Even the big trucks were going faster.
The reason why I'm writing about this is because I drove to Fairfield to take my last CSET today. Oakland is much closer, but the next available one is next week. As soon as I crossed the bridge, all the cars suddenly started to slow down. There weren't more cars, just slower cars. Needless to say, I kept switching lanes trying to weave through a maze of cars and trucks while I was driving back to work. Again, the traffic wasn't due to the amount of cars on the highway. Just the speed of the cars.
Slow drivers are annoying. =[
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Courage
I was attending school in Davis when the pepper spray incident happened. I didn't care too much about the big protests because it didn't affect me personally. I was getting all my tuition paid through the school and the loans covered rent and bills. I went home either that weekend or the next weekend and told my mom about the incident. As was expected, she was horrified. But what she told me next was completely unexpected and left me wondering.
She told me that I should never participate in any protests because there's always the possible danger. I should always keep my head down and just pretend that nothing's going on. I shouldn't ever be involved in something so political.
What?
Shouldn't she be telling me that I should stand up for what I believe in? Okay, I know she grew up in a different era. She probably survived through whatever she went through as a kid by keeping her head down. But I disagree. I think that keeping your integrity, your values and morals, is so much more important than being able to eat another day. It's what makes us human.
God give me the courage to persevere in my beliefs no matter what troubles may come my way.
She told me that I should never participate in any protests because there's always the possible danger. I should always keep my head down and just pretend that nothing's going on. I shouldn't ever be involved in something so political.
What?
Shouldn't she be telling me that I should stand up for what I believe in? Okay, I know she grew up in a different era. She probably survived through whatever she went through as a kid by keeping her head down. But I disagree. I think that keeping your integrity, your values and morals, is so much more important than being able to eat another day. It's what makes us human.
God give me the courage to persevere in my beliefs no matter what troubles may come my way.
Nightmare
Last night I had a nightmare. Most of my dreams are pretty bad. But when I have a nightmare, it meant that I woke up in the middle of the night crying.
In my dream, my sister died. I have two younger sisters, but this one is about the older one. She currently goes to MIT and I got a call from her last night. We were just talking, mostly about her and her classes.
But this was the dream:
I had, along with two sisters, two younger brothers. For some reason, I found myself in the body of the older of the two brothers. He loved my sister as much as I did. They were just a year apart, so they grew up as extremely close friends. We had heard that my sister was ill. She was diagnosed with some type of terminal cancer and would die within a month. However, she refused to quit school and come home. She wanted to at least finish the semester. The last time she called me, she told me that she had to take a test the next day, then we told each other 'I love you' several times before hanging up. The brother was more heartbroken about this than any one of us. The brother's body then transformed into my own. My sister had come back from MIT. She now only had several days remaining. My parents decided that it would be better to euthanize her than to let her die of the terrible disease. It was going to be her last night, so I decided to sleep with her like when we were little. During the middle of the night my mom came in. She had three different types of paralyzing solutions ready. She started with my sister's leg. She was using a large needle filled with yellow-ish fluid. I could feel my sister's pain. I cried out, telling her to stop. But my sister was in too much pain to have enough energy to even cry out. Then my mom moved on to her shoulder. She used a different needle filled with a different solution. I yelled at her to stop. My sister had one more day left, what was she doing? My mom fed me a heavy dose of painkiller to put me back to sleep. There was one more needle. This one was much longer and much thicker than the other ones. She stabbed this needle straight into my sister's heart. My sister slowly died, without getting the chance to resist once. The painkiller was already taking effect, and no matter how much I tried not to, I fell back asleep. The next morning I woke. My sister was gone. My mom and dad were in mourning. I felt sick. My mother didn't deserve to mourn her after what she did. I told my dad about what happened. About how cruel my mother had been the night before. She could have used the painkiller to put my sister to sleep before she killed her, but she let her suffer the pain. All my mom said was that she had forgotten about it, and my dad believed her. I felt lost. Everything I knew to be true, such as my parents' love for their children, were all lies.
In my dream, my sister died. I have two younger sisters, but this one is about the older one. She currently goes to MIT and I got a call from her last night. We were just talking, mostly about her and her classes.
But this was the dream:
I had, along with two sisters, two younger brothers. For some reason, I found myself in the body of the older of the two brothers. He loved my sister as much as I did. They were just a year apart, so they grew up as extremely close friends. We had heard that my sister was ill. She was diagnosed with some type of terminal cancer and would die within a month. However, she refused to quit school and come home. She wanted to at least finish the semester. The last time she called me, she told me that she had to take a test the next day, then we told each other 'I love you' several times before hanging up. The brother was more heartbroken about this than any one of us. The brother's body then transformed into my own. My sister had come back from MIT. She now only had several days remaining. My parents decided that it would be better to euthanize her than to let her die of the terrible disease. It was going to be her last night, so I decided to sleep with her like when we were little. During the middle of the night my mom came in. She had three different types of paralyzing solutions ready. She started with my sister's leg. She was using a large needle filled with yellow-ish fluid. I could feel my sister's pain. I cried out, telling her to stop. But my sister was in too much pain to have enough energy to even cry out. Then my mom moved on to her shoulder. She used a different needle filled with a different solution. I yelled at her to stop. My sister had one more day left, what was she doing? My mom fed me a heavy dose of painkiller to put me back to sleep. There was one more needle. This one was much longer and much thicker than the other ones. She stabbed this needle straight into my sister's heart. My sister slowly died, without getting the chance to resist once. The painkiller was already taking effect, and no matter how much I tried not to, I fell back asleep. The next morning I woke. My sister was gone. My mom and dad were in mourning. I felt sick. My mother didn't deserve to mourn her after what she did. I told my dad about what happened. About how cruel my mother had been the night before. She could have used the painkiller to put my sister to sleep before she killed her, but she let her suffer the pain. All my mom said was that she had forgotten about it, and my dad believed her. I felt lost. Everything I knew to be true, such as my parents' love for their children, were all lies.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
My Hair
The most insecure part of my body is my hair. When my hair gets to be too unmanageable, sometimes I refuse to even walk out my front door. If anyone makes fun of my hair or says something bad about my hair, I really will go to a corner and cry my heart out.
I was born with a lot of hair. More than a lot. By the time I was one year old, my mom had already started tying my hair in pigtails. That's a lot of hair. Not only did I have a lot of hair, the strands itself are extremely thick, double or triple the thickness of average hair. I also had curly hair when I was young. Although my hair has naturally straightened out since then, if I dry my hair properly, I can still get some pretty locks. Because my hair was so curly and frizzy, I had always had my hair tied into a ponytail. You will very rarely see a picture of me without my hair being tied.
So many things have changed since then. I've actually grown to like my hair for how thick it is. Normally people's hair get very damaged after getting it dyed. Their hair may fall out, and they will definitely have split ends. Because my hair is so thick, dying it does almost no damage. I haven't seen a split end once since I got my hair highlighted months ago. Because my hair is so naturally curly, I straighten my hair with a straight iron. Most people's hair get damaged by the extreme heat. Split ends are again, an obvious tell. There are products you can buy to spray on your hair so the hair won't get damaged. Luckily for me, my hair will just take the heat. Sometimes, my hair won't even straighten all the way no matter how long I try. Like today. An hour of straightening at the highest temperature setting and my hair came out wavy instead of straight.
I'm kind of glad that my hair isn't like anyone else's. Just like so many other parts of me. I hear everyone complain about how they don't have enough volume, how they can't do anything with their hair because it's too straight or too curly, how their hair is getting damaged all the time because of the wrong shampoo, straighteners or curlers, or the dye. Luckily I don't have to deal with any of that. My hair is perfect for me.
Even though I think that way now, years and years of my parents telling me I looked like a witch because of my hair has already had its effects. I really will cry if you call my hair poofy, thick, frizzy, etc.
I was born with a lot of hair. More than a lot. By the time I was one year old, my mom had already started tying my hair in pigtails. That's a lot of hair. Not only did I have a lot of hair, the strands itself are extremely thick, double or triple the thickness of average hair. I also had curly hair when I was young. Although my hair has naturally straightened out since then, if I dry my hair properly, I can still get some pretty locks. Because my hair was so curly and frizzy, I had always had my hair tied into a ponytail. You will very rarely see a picture of me without my hair being tied.
So many things have changed since then. I've actually grown to like my hair for how thick it is. Normally people's hair get very damaged after getting it dyed. Their hair may fall out, and they will definitely have split ends. Because my hair is so thick, dying it does almost no damage. I haven't seen a split end once since I got my hair highlighted months ago. Because my hair is so naturally curly, I straighten my hair with a straight iron. Most people's hair get damaged by the extreme heat. Split ends are again, an obvious tell. There are products you can buy to spray on your hair so the hair won't get damaged. Luckily for me, my hair will just take the heat. Sometimes, my hair won't even straighten all the way no matter how long I try. Like today. An hour of straightening at the highest temperature setting and my hair came out wavy instead of straight.
I'm kind of glad that my hair isn't like anyone else's. Just like so many other parts of me. I hear everyone complain about how they don't have enough volume, how they can't do anything with their hair because it's too straight or too curly, how their hair is getting damaged all the time because of the wrong shampoo, straighteners or curlers, or the dye. Luckily I don't have to deal with any of that. My hair is perfect for me.
Even though I think that way now, years and years of my parents telling me I looked like a witch because of my hair has already had its effects. I really will cry if you call my hair poofy, thick, frizzy, etc.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Fort Worth, TX
On Saturday, I'm going to take the last CSET that I need to pass in order to start applying for teaching jobs. There are many reasons why I would like to stay in East Bay. There's the youth group at church that I'm growing attached to. There's the life group that's been there for me during tough times. And then there's that significant other person, although I have no clue what he thinks about me or whether or not anything could possibly come out it.
But I'm also going to apply to a teaching program at Fort Worth, TX. The teaching program will help me get a teaching credential, while getting me a job, and I know that there's a seminary in Fort Worth, and I can pursue a higher degree there, and I may possibly live there for a while. The main thing that's attracting me to that place is the seminary, and the abundance of Christian schooling.
So after the CSET and the results, and after applying to quite a few schools, it'll be completely up to God. Wherever I am called to go, I will go. I kind of wish I could stay here, though.
But I'm also going to apply to a teaching program at Fort Worth, TX. The teaching program will help me get a teaching credential, while getting me a job, and I know that there's a seminary in Fort Worth, and I can pursue a higher degree there, and I may possibly live there for a while. The main thing that's attracting me to that place is the seminary, and the abundance of Christian schooling.
So after the CSET and the results, and after applying to quite a few schools, it'll be completely up to God. Wherever I am called to go, I will go. I kind of wish I could stay here, though.
No More Coffee!
It was a couple days after my "Bad Caffeine" post. I woke up to my alarm at 5:15am so I could get ready to go to early morning prayer. Something felt very different about that morning. That feeling in my body, the aches and craving for coffee was not there.
That's right! My addiction to caffeine has disappeared all of a sudden, although my tongue still yearns for the sweet taste of Starbucks. I went through the entire Saturday, the next Sunday, and hopefully today without a drop of coffee. My body actually feels more awake, and I think I've been sleeping better.
It feels like I've suddenly been freed from a bad drug addiction. In fact, that's exactly what had happened.
Yay~
That's right! My addiction to caffeine has disappeared all of a sudden, although my tongue still yearns for the sweet taste of Starbucks. I went through the entire Saturday, the next Sunday, and hopefully today without a drop of coffee. My body actually feels more awake, and I think I've been sleeping better.
It feels like I've suddenly been freed from a bad drug addiction. In fact, that's exactly what had happened.
Yay~
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Ten Commandments
When I was growing up in church, we were taught the ten commandments:
1. You shall have no other gods before me.
2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image.
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet.
Of course, in elementary school we're unable to completely comprehend the full meaning of these commandments so the teachers had to break it down for us.
1-2. Basically we can't worship other gods instead of the actual God.
3. We're not allowed to say "Oh my god!" We can say "Oh my goodness!" or "Oh my word!" instead.
4. Sundays we have to go to church.
5. We have to obey everything that our parents tell us to do.
6. We shouldn't kill anything. (Then we got into a whole argument about bugs, and how it was okay to kill ants and spiders but not other animals.)
7. We'll know when we get older.
8. We can't steal. Stealing is when we take something without permission.
9. We'll also know when we get older.
10. We can't be greedy. We have to share.
Who else sees really big problems here? I understand that as a really young child, this is all you can really say, but as we grow older, the church that taught us these silly made up rules should be responsible for teaching us correctly. Unfortunately after I had 'learned' the ten commandments as a child, that was all I knew about them until I personally decided to look into it further because it made no real sense to me. That was about when I was in high school.
It didn't make sense that an entire commandment was dedicated to not being able to say the phrase "Oh my god!" It didn't make sense that church was mandatory. It didn't make sense that we had to obey everything our parents told us because I had struggled with doing what was right and what my parents said. The whole drawing a line between bugs and other animals made no sense, either.
What mostly got me was the whole "Obey your parents." For a long time I really did think that one of the ten commandments literally said "Obey your parents." I was taught in Sunday school to obey. My parents would quote from the Bible that I had to obey them. But sometimes they would tell me to do things I knew were wrong. They would tell me to lie from time to time. They were biased because for some reason I was always greedy but my sisters never were. It was okay for my dad to steal things from my mother. It just didn't make sense. But when I decided to look it up in the Bible itself, the word 'obey' wasn't on there. Instead it was the word 'honor.' From then on, through experience, I had to learn the difference between the word 'obey' and 'honor,' because whenever I asked someone else, their definition of 'honor' meant 'to obey.'
But this topic of honor vs. obey is for another time.
1. You shall have no other gods before me.
2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image.
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet.
Of course, in elementary school we're unable to completely comprehend the full meaning of these commandments so the teachers had to break it down for us.
1-2. Basically we can't worship other gods instead of the actual God.
3. We're not allowed to say "Oh my god!" We can say "Oh my goodness!" or "Oh my word!" instead.
4. Sundays we have to go to church.
5. We have to obey everything that our parents tell us to do.
6. We shouldn't kill anything. (Then we got into a whole argument about bugs, and how it was okay to kill ants and spiders but not other animals.)
7. We'll know when we get older.
8. We can't steal. Stealing is when we take something without permission.
9. We'll also know when we get older.
10. We can't be greedy. We have to share.
Who else sees really big problems here? I understand that as a really young child, this is all you can really say, but as we grow older, the church that taught us these silly made up rules should be responsible for teaching us correctly. Unfortunately after I had 'learned' the ten commandments as a child, that was all I knew about them until I personally decided to look into it further because it made no real sense to me. That was about when I was in high school.
It didn't make sense that an entire commandment was dedicated to not being able to say the phrase "Oh my god!" It didn't make sense that church was mandatory. It didn't make sense that we had to obey everything our parents told us because I had struggled with doing what was right and what my parents said. The whole drawing a line between bugs and other animals made no sense, either.
What mostly got me was the whole "Obey your parents." For a long time I really did think that one of the ten commandments literally said "Obey your parents." I was taught in Sunday school to obey. My parents would quote from the Bible that I had to obey them. But sometimes they would tell me to do things I knew were wrong. They would tell me to lie from time to time. They were biased because for some reason I was always greedy but my sisters never were. It was okay for my dad to steal things from my mother. It just didn't make sense. But when I decided to look it up in the Bible itself, the word 'obey' wasn't on there. Instead it was the word 'honor.' From then on, through experience, I had to learn the difference between the word 'obey' and 'honor,' because whenever I asked someone else, their definition of 'honor' meant 'to obey.'
But this topic of honor vs. obey is for another time.
Parents =[
I don't have a very good relationship with my parents. When I was growing up, I was always the 'rebellious' child. I'm quite stubborn, and so are my parents. My parents have certain beliefs and ideals I do not agree with, and neither of us are willing to compromise our integrity for the other. It's been that way since I was little and it's still like that. They've softened up over the year, though. Softened up means that they stopped yelling at me about it and just look the other way. But ignoring a problem that constantly exists doesn't mean that the relationship is getting any better.
I just got back from my parents' house. The first thing that my mom did when she saw me today was, again, look at my stomach, and frown and tell me that I'm fat. (I'm 5' 6.5" and 128 lb. Not skinny, but not fat.) I tried not to tell her off this time, but tried explaining. I told her that I just came back from my friend's nephew's birthday party and that I ate while I was there. I was also on my period and was bloated. That's why I looked fat, even though I'm not normally. She then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't eat so much. That I didn't care enough about how I looked. I then told her that I don't eat often when I'm at home and so I would rather have food in my stomach when I could rather than care so much about how I look. She then scoffed and walked away. My feelings were deeply hurt. Even to this day, instead of saying, "Hi! How have you been?" her first reaction to me is "You're fat." The last time I saw her was a month ago and judging from her reaction to seeing me, she couldn't care less.
My dad and mom went into the garage to fix up a new ping pong table they just bought. I tried asking them how they've been doing, how church was going on for them, how work was, etc. All I got out of them were "Same." or "I don't know." I tried talking to my mom more, about what she was doing specifically, how church was for her, etc, but after telling me that everything was okay, she left to go to the kitchen. I followed her in there, tried talking to her, but she told me to move out of the way because she was busy. I was talking to my sister for a while afterwards, but then my mom started telling me that I should hurry and go because it was past 8. "It's already past 8. What are you doing? Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Telling her it was still early for me didn't get me any responses. That was the last thing we said to each other.
Before leaving I went to my dad. Asking him personal questions was only getting me ignored so I started talking about my car. He didn't make eye contact with me the whole time, but at least we were talking. He was too busy working on his new ping pong table.
I then told him goodbye, told my sister goodbye, and then I left.
I again noticed that my parents didn't ask me how I was doing. What I was doing. Whether or not I was happy. How my church life has been going. What I was looking to pursue. During my entire life they never asked me a question that began with 'why.' I don't understand how a parent could not care about their child. I mean, I understand their culture and where they're coming from. In a traditional Korean culture, everyone has to bend around the wills and wants of the father, then the sons (which we don't have), then the mother, then the daughters. The children, especially the daughters, are expected to give complete obedience to every word that the father says. But what I don't understand is how, as parents, they don't have that desire to know about their children. Not about whether or not the child is alive and making money, but whether or not they're following their dreams, their passions, or even what their dreams and passions are.
They never once asked me why I wanted to go into teaching. All they would say about it was that it didn't make a lot of money. That if I wanted to make money, I should teach at the college level. They never once asked me why I wanted to pursue the chemical engineering degree. All they would say is that after graduating, I'd better get a job and start making money. They never once asked me what it is about children that attracted me so much. All they would say that was that kids are annoying and it's not worth the money teachers are getting paid. Everything they talk to me about would revolve around money. Whether or not I'd make money, have money, make enough to give them money.
There was this one time when I started grad school classes I asked my mom why she wouldn't ask me how my classes were, what they were about, and whether or not I enjoyed them. She told me, "I really don't care," and she continued watching her drama. I really did want to communicate with her and let her know more about me, so I started talking anyways. She said, "You're being loud," and then proceeded to turn up the volume on her computer. There was another time, sometime after the first incident, when I asked her why she didn't ask about me, why she wasn't curious about who I wanted to be. She told me that if she told me to do something, I would mostly likely start asking questions instead of blindly obeying, and would probably not do it anyways, and that would make her angry at me. So instead of getting angry at me, it was better for the both of us that she just not care about what I do.
The relationship between my parents and I aren't getting any better, but not for the lack of trying on my end. I really do try. I always try every time I see them. No matter how much I want to, I can't find it in me to cut them out of my life. I'd rather try to fix it. But a relationship is always a two-way street. They have to want to try too.
God give me the patience and humbleness I need to see this through, and give my parents the desire to want to get to know their child for who I am, and not what they want me to be.
I just got back from my parents' house. The first thing that my mom did when she saw me today was, again, look at my stomach, and frown and tell me that I'm fat. (I'm 5' 6.5" and 128 lb. Not skinny, but not fat.) I tried not to tell her off this time, but tried explaining. I told her that I just came back from my friend's nephew's birthday party and that I ate while I was there. I was also on my period and was bloated. That's why I looked fat, even though I'm not normally. She then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't eat so much. That I didn't care enough about how I looked. I then told her that I don't eat often when I'm at home and so I would rather have food in my stomach when I could rather than care so much about how I look. She then scoffed and walked away. My feelings were deeply hurt. Even to this day, instead of saying, "Hi! How have you been?" her first reaction to me is "You're fat." The last time I saw her was a month ago and judging from her reaction to seeing me, she couldn't care less.
My dad and mom went into the garage to fix up a new ping pong table they just bought. I tried asking them how they've been doing, how church was going on for them, how work was, etc. All I got out of them were "Same." or "I don't know." I tried talking to my mom more, about what she was doing specifically, how church was for her, etc, but after telling me that everything was okay, she left to go to the kitchen. I followed her in there, tried talking to her, but she told me to move out of the way because she was busy. I was talking to my sister for a while afterwards, but then my mom started telling me that I should hurry and go because it was past 8. "It's already past 8. What are you doing? Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Telling her it was still early for me didn't get me any responses. That was the last thing we said to each other.
Before leaving I went to my dad. Asking him personal questions was only getting me ignored so I started talking about my car. He didn't make eye contact with me the whole time, but at least we were talking. He was too busy working on his new ping pong table.
I then told him goodbye, told my sister goodbye, and then I left.
I again noticed that my parents didn't ask me how I was doing. What I was doing. Whether or not I was happy. How my church life has been going. What I was looking to pursue. During my entire life they never asked me a question that began with 'why.' I don't understand how a parent could not care about their child. I mean, I understand their culture and where they're coming from. In a traditional Korean culture, everyone has to bend around the wills and wants of the father, then the sons (which we don't have), then the mother, then the daughters. The children, especially the daughters, are expected to give complete obedience to every word that the father says. But what I don't understand is how, as parents, they don't have that desire to know about their children. Not about whether or not the child is alive and making money, but whether or not they're following their dreams, their passions, or even what their dreams and passions are.
They never once asked me why I wanted to go into teaching. All they would say about it was that it didn't make a lot of money. That if I wanted to make money, I should teach at the college level. They never once asked me why I wanted to pursue the chemical engineering degree. All they would say is that after graduating, I'd better get a job and start making money. They never once asked me what it is about children that attracted me so much. All they would say that was that kids are annoying and it's not worth the money teachers are getting paid. Everything they talk to me about would revolve around money. Whether or not I'd make money, have money, make enough to give them money.
There was this one time when I started grad school classes I asked my mom why she wouldn't ask me how my classes were, what they were about, and whether or not I enjoyed them. She told me, "I really don't care," and she continued watching her drama. I really did want to communicate with her and let her know more about me, so I started talking anyways. She said, "You're being loud," and then proceeded to turn up the volume on her computer. There was another time, sometime after the first incident, when I asked her why she didn't ask about me, why she wasn't curious about who I wanted to be. She told me that if she told me to do something, I would mostly likely start asking questions instead of blindly obeying, and would probably not do it anyways, and that would make her angry at me. So instead of getting angry at me, it was better for the both of us that she just not care about what I do.
The relationship between my parents and I aren't getting any better, but not for the lack of trying on my end. I really do try. I always try every time I see them. No matter how much I want to, I can't find it in me to cut them out of my life. I'd rather try to fix it. But a relationship is always a two-way street. They have to want to try too.
God give me the patience and humbleness I need to see this through, and give my parents the desire to want to get to know their child for who I am, and not what they want me to be.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Bad Caffeine
I've never actually done any illegal drugs. Not because I grew up in a Christian family and not because everyone was saying it was bad. I knew a lot of people that did drugs back when I was growing up. Especially in freshmen year in high school, I was cutting classes or leaving the campus during lunch almost everyday to just hang out with friends. I remember this one friend who took me to a small hidden area next to the creek and she showed me how to smoke pot. I remember friends telling me they were sneaking in pills, or sneaking in vodka in water bottles. The idea never tempted me, though.
I never understood why anyone would want to purposefully alter the chemical balance in their brain for a temporarily feeling with possible permanent brain damage that would impair memory, cognitive function, motor function, change your personality, and other multiple physical effects. I liked who I was and how smart I was, and whatnot, and wasn't willing to risk anything. I'm glad I didn't, but I wish I could have convinced some of them too.
I wish I never started drinking coffee, honestly. Drugs that mess with the natural system of your body are never good (unless for medical purposes obviously). Not even the ones you can buy at anytime at anyplace.
I never understood why anyone would want to purposefully alter the chemical balance in their brain for a temporarily feeling with possible permanent brain damage that would impair memory, cognitive function, motor function, change your personality, and other multiple physical effects. I liked who I was and how smart I was, and whatnot, and wasn't willing to risk anything. I'm glad I didn't, but I wish I could have convinced some of them too.
I wish I never started drinking coffee, honestly. Drugs that mess with the natural system of your body are never good (unless for medical purposes obviously). Not even the ones you can buy at anytime at anyplace.
Brains
My brain isn't working very well today. Yesterday I ended up sleeping at 2 in the morning. I went to my life group meeting yesterday, and time passed by so quickly by the time we were ready to leave it was already 1 am.
I think I spent a couple hours just talking to a friend about the human brain, and how much I would love to spend the rest of my life studying the beautiful complexity of God's greatest creation.
I like studying how the brain works. What parts make what work.
There was a lot more I was going to say on this subject. I know there was a lot more because apparently last night I spent hours talking about it. But I'm tired.
God is cool.
Early morning prayer tomorrow, so not much sleep tonight, either.
I actually fell asleep at work earlier today. I was passed out on my chair for a solid hour. Thank goodness no one came in to my room during that time.
I also need to buy cereal. I have Safeway coupons for $1.50 off on my choice of up to three General Mills cereal. Guess what I'll be eating all next week.
These past two weeks were very amazing. I didn't have to buy groceries for a couple weeks because I was being fed. I was getting food from church, food from work, and food from friends. Earlier this week a good friend of mine stopped by to give me food that lasted me until yesterday. Yesterday, food was provided at work. It's crazy how well God takes care of me and how much he cares, even about the little details such as meals everyday. So anyways, I had bought groceries about a month ago, and because of all the food God was providing me, they were going bad. So I stir fried everything that wasn't too old together with rice to make fried rice, and gave it to the life group. God is awesome.
So yeah, it ties in with the cereal thing, kind of, because there's absolutely nothing in my fridge and I think I should have something to eat in case no one comes by with buckets of food next week.
Helen Keller was both blind and deaf, so was she able to understand the concept of 2 + 2 = 4 just by touch?
I think I spent a couple hours just talking to a friend about the human brain, and how much I would love to spend the rest of my life studying the beautiful complexity of God's greatest creation.
I like studying how the brain works. What parts make what work.
There was a lot more I was going to say on this subject. I know there was a lot more because apparently last night I spent hours talking about it. But I'm tired.
God is cool.
Early morning prayer tomorrow, so not much sleep tonight, either.
I actually fell asleep at work earlier today. I was passed out on my chair for a solid hour. Thank goodness no one came in to my room during that time.
I also need to buy cereal. I have Safeway coupons for $1.50 off on my choice of up to three General Mills cereal. Guess what I'll be eating all next week.
These past two weeks were very amazing. I didn't have to buy groceries for a couple weeks because I was being fed. I was getting food from church, food from work, and food from friends. Earlier this week a good friend of mine stopped by to give me food that lasted me until yesterday. Yesterday, food was provided at work. It's crazy how well God takes care of me and how much he cares, even about the little details such as meals everyday. So anyways, I had bought groceries about a month ago, and because of all the food God was providing me, they were going bad. So I stir fried everything that wasn't too old together with rice to make fried rice, and gave it to the life group. God is awesome.
So yeah, it ties in with the cereal thing, kind of, because there's absolutely nothing in my fridge and I think I should have something to eat in case no one comes by with buckets of food next week.
Helen Keller was both blind and deaf, so was she able to understand the concept of 2 + 2 = 4 just by touch?
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Bandwagon
There's a big criticism going around with people jumping on bandwagons without knowing all the facts. It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. It's what people do. Because people are social creatures, we hop on bandwagons as some weird survival mechanism.
But enough about the science-y part of why we do this. Let's just focus on the fact that we do it. We believe what society tells us and we do what society does.
xkcd.com has a blog in his 'what if' section about people jumping off a bridge. If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too? Parents ask their kids expecting a 'no' but in all honesty, if you really were on that bridge and all your friends really did jump off, the obvious answer is yes. It's more likely that there is a reason behind why everyone is jumping off that bridge and it is probably the best idea to jump with them. It is less likely that everyone around you is suddenly going insane all at the same time and you're the only one not going crazy.
Have you noticed that almost every single part of your life is based purely on witness testimony? You go to a doctor and he tells you that you need surgery. You're risking your life based on his word and probably words of his friends or colleagues. You don't know if he really is a doctor. That again is based on his word and pieces of paper that he could have possibly forged. If you go to his superior, his boss will tell you that he really is a doctor, but that belief that the boss has is yet again, based on just more testimonials. You have never been to medical school with him. You have not seen him perform surgery on others. He will tell you that he is a good doctor, but you only believe what he says because not believing would result in your possible death or at least inability to function as a normal human being in your society.
You can go to your mechanic because your car needs repairs. The mechanic tells you that he needs to replace some parts of your car and charges you for it. He tells you that you can come back in a couple days when it's done. What makes you believe him? You're paying a lot of money based on just what one person is telling you. You can ask his boss and his coworkers about him, but then we have the same doctor situation as I stated above. You don't know anything about cars, so you can't guess if he's lying or telling the truth. It's not like you can learn to fix the car yourself. You're trusting that the mechanic is not cheating you, based purely on testimony.
Trusting the people around us, whether we know them or not, is a natural human instinct. It helps us survive in the world around us and helps us get along with others. If you never trust others based on their testimonies unless you have real 'scientific' proof, society will send you to an asylum and deem you paranoid.
Yet when it comes to anything having to do with God, why is this unnatural paranoia so common and so accepted? If your friend that you've known and trusted for all your life came to know Jesus and told you about Him, all of a sudden that trust disappears without a cause or reason. It's unnatural and abnormal.
In courts, witness testimony is what a lot of sentences are based on. Although it has been proven that witness testimonies are not always accurate, scientific proof is not something that can always be obtained. So despite the possible inaccuracies of witness testimonies, sentences that can change a person's life is often based on what witnesses have to say. The more witnesses you have on your side, the better.
Yet when we Christians witness to others, why is it that God is the only thing we can say that they do not believe? During the days after Christ's death and resurrection, there were thousands of eye witnesses, yet people still did not believe. The Bible itself is a compilation of testimonials that people can read whenever they want, yet they still do not believe. Although Christians of today have not actually seen Jesus with our eyes, we have heard Him with our ears and felt him in our hearts. We trust these senses because we trust our senses when it comes to everything else.
So not believing in God and not believing in Jesus is not okay. It's not smart, it's not scientific, it's not obvious. The obvious, the natural choice is to believe. There's no reason not to.
But enough about the science-y part of why we do this. Let's just focus on the fact that we do it. We believe what society tells us and we do what society does.
xkcd.com has a blog in his 'what if' section about people jumping off a bridge. If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too? Parents ask their kids expecting a 'no' but in all honesty, if you really were on that bridge and all your friends really did jump off, the obvious answer is yes. It's more likely that there is a reason behind why everyone is jumping off that bridge and it is probably the best idea to jump with them. It is less likely that everyone around you is suddenly going insane all at the same time and you're the only one not going crazy.
Have you noticed that almost every single part of your life is based purely on witness testimony? You go to a doctor and he tells you that you need surgery. You're risking your life based on his word and probably words of his friends or colleagues. You don't know if he really is a doctor. That again is based on his word and pieces of paper that he could have possibly forged. If you go to his superior, his boss will tell you that he really is a doctor, but that belief that the boss has is yet again, based on just more testimonials. You have never been to medical school with him. You have not seen him perform surgery on others. He will tell you that he is a good doctor, but you only believe what he says because not believing would result in your possible death or at least inability to function as a normal human being in your society.
You can go to your mechanic because your car needs repairs. The mechanic tells you that he needs to replace some parts of your car and charges you for it. He tells you that you can come back in a couple days when it's done. What makes you believe him? You're paying a lot of money based on just what one person is telling you. You can ask his boss and his coworkers about him, but then we have the same doctor situation as I stated above. You don't know anything about cars, so you can't guess if he's lying or telling the truth. It's not like you can learn to fix the car yourself. You're trusting that the mechanic is not cheating you, based purely on testimony.
Trusting the people around us, whether we know them or not, is a natural human instinct. It helps us survive in the world around us and helps us get along with others. If you never trust others based on their testimonies unless you have real 'scientific' proof, society will send you to an asylum and deem you paranoid.
Yet when it comes to anything having to do with God, why is this unnatural paranoia so common and so accepted? If your friend that you've known and trusted for all your life came to know Jesus and told you about Him, all of a sudden that trust disappears without a cause or reason. It's unnatural and abnormal.
In courts, witness testimony is what a lot of sentences are based on. Although it has been proven that witness testimonies are not always accurate, scientific proof is not something that can always be obtained. So despite the possible inaccuracies of witness testimonies, sentences that can change a person's life is often based on what witnesses have to say. The more witnesses you have on your side, the better.
Yet when we Christians witness to others, why is it that God is the only thing we can say that they do not believe? During the days after Christ's death and resurrection, there were thousands of eye witnesses, yet people still did not believe. The Bible itself is a compilation of testimonials that people can read whenever they want, yet they still do not believe. Although Christians of today have not actually seen Jesus with our eyes, we have heard Him with our ears and felt him in our hearts. We trust these senses because we trust our senses when it comes to everything else.
So not believing in God and not believing in Jesus is not okay. It's not smart, it's not scientific, it's not obvious. The obvious, the natural choice is to believe. There's no reason not to.
Birth Control
No, this post isn't about the issue of birth control in Catholic communities, although I'm sure I'll get to that one day. This post is about the actual pills, and the fact that I'm taking them.
This is actually my first month after taking it, and it's not because I'm having a crazy amount of sex. It's because I needed some way to manage my period cycle and the insane cramps and odd cravings that come with it. My cycle is extremely odd, when graphing out the cycles, it looks like some odd slanted triangular oscillation. The pain every time would be so bad I would have trouble falling asleep even with painkillers. I would get so sick sometimes I couldn't go to work just because I couldn't move from my bed. I'd also have weird food cravings. Last time I was hunting for strawberries with absolutely no luck, and so all I could think about for days were strawberries.
Now all I have is a mild headache. A little bit of bloating, but that's it. It makes me wonder why I didn't start taking birth control years ago. This pill is magical. Seriously. Thank you God for the scientists that came up with this magical pill.
This is actually my first month after taking it, and it's not because I'm having a crazy amount of sex. It's because I needed some way to manage my period cycle and the insane cramps and odd cravings that come with it. My cycle is extremely odd, when graphing out the cycles, it looks like some odd slanted triangular oscillation. The pain every time would be so bad I would have trouble falling asleep even with painkillers. I would get so sick sometimes I couldn't go to work just because I couldn't move from my bed. I'd also have weird food cravings. Last time I was hunting for strawberries with absolutely no luck, and so all I could think about for days were strawberries.
Now all I have is a mild headache. A little bit of bloating, but that's it. It makes me wonder why I didn't start taking birth control years ago. This pill is magical. Seriously. Thank you God for the scientists that came up with this magical pill.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Dedication
Once you're a Christian doesn't mean that you're always going to be doing the right thing and being good all the time. I've been a Christian for a very long time. I'm a church-baby, meaning I grew up and was raised in a church. I didn't really start believing until high school. And of course, like many Christians do, I've had my falling outs with Jesus. Some people don't have a lot of falling outs and their spiritual life looks like a spiral upwards. Mine is more like a roller coaster. Through a friend of mine, a very strong Christian, I've been able to rededicate my life to Jesus (again) quite recently. It's been almost two weeks. What I mean by rededicating though, is that I am trying to no longer be the lukewarm Christian, who says that she believes in Jesus, but when you meet her, you can't tell the difference between her and any other person. I want to be one of those people that when you meet me, you'll be able to feel the love and peace of Jesus just flowing out through me.
So the mantra I've been been going through in my head is this: What I need right now is more Jesus.
Compared to my amazing college degree, my job is pretty down there in the dirt. I have a really old car that guzzles up gas like it's nothing and needs to be fixed. I live in an apartment that constantly smells like cigarettes and weed. I have tons of school loans I need to pay off. Obviously I want a better job. I want to make more money to pay off these loans and get an apartment in a better neighborhood. I want my car to be fixed, or just get a better car. But right now what I need in my life is more Jesus. I just need more of Him in my life and in my heart, and I know that with just that, He'll provide me with everything I need.
This dedication thing is proving to be difficult. It's easy to go back to old habits, but difficult to keep yourself a changed person. I was doing Q.T. the other day, and I came across this:
"If God's initiative is the basis of our response, then His oath becomes the basis of our perseverance."
God is the one who seeked me out first. He is the one who first interacted in my life showing me his presence. I can persevere because I know that God will keep his promises He's made with me.
So I guess I'm using this blog as a way of reminding myself of what God has done in my life to show me how much He really cares, and that I need to persevere.
Of course, I know that as a human being, I have my faults and I won't be able to go through it on my own. But during those hard times I know God will carry me through. My perseverance is not based solely on me, but mainly on Him. As long as I'm willing, He'll help me see through it all.
So the mantra I've been been going through in my head is this: What I need right now is more Jesus.
Compared to my amazing college degree, my job is pretty down there in the dirt. I have a really old car that guzzles up gas like it's nothing and needs to be fixed. I live in an apartment that constantly smells like cigarettes and weed. I have tons of school loans I need to pay off. Obviously I want a better job. I want to make more money to pay off these loans and get an apartment in a better neighborhood. I want my car to be fixed, or just get a better car. But right now what I need in my life is more Jesus. I just need more of Him in my life and in my heart, and I know that with just that, He'll provide me with everything I need.
This dedication thing is proving to be difficult. It's easy to go back to old habits, but difficult to keep yourself a changed person. I was doing Q.T. the other day, and I came across this:
"If God's initiative is the basis of our response, then His oath becomes the basis of our perseverance."
God is the one who seeked me out first. He is the one who first interacted in my life showing me his presence. I can persevere because I know that God will keep his promises He's made with me.
So I guess I'm using this blog as a way of reminding myself of what God has done in my life to show me how much He really cares, and that I need to persevere.
Of course, I know that as a human being, I have my faults and I won't be able to go through it on my own. But during those hard times I know God will carry me through. My perseverance is not based solely on me, but mainly on Him. As long as I'm willing, He'll help me see through it all.
About Me
Quick tidbit about me. Yes, I used tidbit. I don't know what else I could have used.
Obviously my English vocabulary is very limited. I never saw the point of memorizing and using very long difficult sounding words that not many people know when you can say the same thing in a couple simpler, shorter words that everyone knows.
I'm female. 24. Born August 1988. Korean. Born again Christian. Two parents I don't really talk to. Two younger sisters I absolutely love and adore and mentor. A bunny named Nibblet. A few, but very close friends. No boyfriend (not yet, but I'd better soon if I ever want to get married).
I love sweets. Cookies, candies, ice cream, etc. I don't like chocolate, though. I also don't like seafood (looking at whole fish, shrimp, crabs, lobsters, etc and people munching on them makes my stomach squirm, and raw fish taste gross). I also don't like pork, including bacon and sausage (it tastes funny). I do love fruits, my favorite being anything in the citrus family. And of course, being Korean, I would love to eat spicy foods.
Recently I've been listening to a lot of Klove (it's a Christian radio station). My favorite Chrsitian artists are Jamie Grace and Toby Mac. But besides Christian music, I'm in love with hip-hop music. Not the crappy so-called 'hip hop' you hear on the radio nowadays, but real hip hop with real meaning in the lyrics and good rhythm. Epik High is wonderful and I've loved them since I was a freshman in high school. Eminem is also another favorite (obviously) and lately I've been finding a lot of Jake Miller. Besides hip hop I also started getting more into house electronic. Tiesto, Swedish House Mafia, and David Guetta are my favorite. I love their songs (in the album that aren't played on the radio).
I currently work as a file clerk at the Special Education Department at my school district. Yes, our school district is so large and we have so many students that we needed a separate person just to put papers in the files, and keep track of who has what file. That's basically my entire job description, which gives me enough time to write these blog entries during work. Surprisingly enough, I have a Bachelor's Degree from UC Davis in Chemical Engineering. Wait... What happened? Yeah, that's a story for some other time. I want to become a math teacher. I also want to pursue a Ph.D in Neuroscience.
Anyways, above all else, I love Jesus.
The reason why I'm starting this blog is because I want to be very honest and open while recording God's presence in my life. Some entries may be about how I'm feeling that particular day. Other entries may be about what I see myself doing in the future. I'm sure quite a few entries will be about what my past was like. I have a very speckled past, but through all that time you can see God's hand at work, which is a reason I'd like to record it.
So I guess it wasn't so quick after all. But yeah. That's just a little bit of me.
Obviously my English vocabulary is very limited. I never saw the point of memorizing and using very long difficult sounding words that not many people know when you can say the same thing in a couple simpler, shorter words that everyone knows.
I'm female. 24. Born August 1988. Korean. Born again Christian. Two parents I don't really talk to. Two younger sisters I absolutely love and adore and mentor. A bunny named Nibblet. A few, but very close friends. No boyfriend (not yet, but I'd better soon if I ever want to get married).
I love sweets. Cookies, candies, ice cream, etc. I don't like chocolate, though. I also don't like seafood (looking at whole fish, shrimp, crabs, lobsters, etc and people munching on them makes my stomach squirm, and raw fish taste gross). I also don't like pork, including bacon and sausage (it tastes funny). I do love fruits, my favorite being anything in the citrus family. And of course, being Korean, I would love to eat spicy foods.
Recently I've been listening to a lot of Klove (it's a Christian radio station). My favorite Chrsitian artists are Jamie Grace and Toby Mac. But besides Christian music, I'm in love with hip-hop music. Not the crappy so-called 'hip hop' you hear on the radio nowadays, but real hip hop with real meaning in the lyrics and good rhythm. Epik High is wonderful and I've loved them since I was a freshman in high school. Eminem is also another favorite (obviously) and lately I've been finding a lot of Jake Miller. Besides hip hop I also started getting more into house electronic. Tiesto, Swedish House Mafia, and David Guetta are my favorite. I love their songs (in the album that aren't played on the radio).
I currently work as a file clerk at the Special Education Department at my school district. Yes, our school district is so large and we have so many students that we needed a separate person just to put papers in the files, and keep track of who has what file. That's basically my entire job description, which gives me enough time to write these blog entries during work. Surprisingly enough, I have a Bachelor's Degree from UC Davis in Chemical Engineering. Wait... What happened? Yeah, that's a story for some other time. I want to become a math teacher. I also want to pursue a Ph.D in Neuroscience.
Anyways, above all else, I love Jesus.
The reason why I'm starting this blog is because I want to be very honest and open while recording God's presence in my life. Some entries may be about how I'm feeling that particular day. Other entries may be about what I see myself doing in the future. I'm sure quite a few entries will be about what my past was like. I have a very speckled past, but through all that time you can see God's hand at work, which is a reason I'd like to record it.
So I guess it wasn't so quick after all. But yeah. That's just a little bit of me.
First Post
First post on my new blog. This is probably where I will be documenting events that go on in my life that doesn't end up on something so public as Facebook. 'Herstory'. It's my history, but I'm a female, so I changed the 'his' in 'history' to 'her'. The 'knight' represents me if I were a chess piece. I know I'm an important player in God's strategy, yet it's hard to see where I'll end up. Unlike every other piece in chess, the knight moves in odd directions, making it possible to land in spaces other pieces can't land in. It can't move as far as the rook, bishop, or the queen, and it's not the end of the game if I get captured like the king, yet only I can do what I'm able to do.
Welcome, me, to my new blog. Herstory: Knight
Welcome, me, to my new blog. Herstory: Knight
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