This Sounds Really Bad But....

That moment when you look up all your exes and you see them living a life that you're glad you're not a part of.

It's a good feeling.

Greatest Fear

My greatest fear in life:

Abandonment

Many times throughout my life I have been or have felt abandoned.  Abandoned by significant others, so called friends, mother, father, sister.  My fear isn't to grow alone.  I'm quite comfortable with that idea.  Being alone means that there would be no one to leave me.

So this is why I may seem emotionally distant.  It's difficult for me to open up and form connections, because eventually I see everyone leaving me.  Even my best friends will get married and leave.  Perhaps this is why I don't like staying in one place for too long.  I don't want to form roots and settle down.  I feel like if I were to, everyone else around me will get up and leave.  This is also why I tend to sabotage extremely good relationships very early on.  Because it will hurt more later rather than now.

This is also why I've grown even more fond of the church and God.  Because even if everyone else leaves, God won't.

Lent 2014

This week is the week that our church will be observing Lent. The youth group (and I) will be giving up the most important things in our lives that take up the most time so that we can use that time for more productive outlets including prayer time with God.

So this year I have decided to give up gaming (electronic gaming specifically) and TV shows (including movies, clips, and because I don't want to draw that fine, fine line, any watching electronically thing including the news.  If it's news, I'll read it.)

I have to give up both of them because if I give up one, my time will be completely consumed by the other.

I am already going through severe withdrawal symptoms.  I'm involved in multiple online games, one in which I'm an admin of my troop.  I've known I was addicted for a while.  I check it every thirty minutes or so, and I spend hours at work not doing actual work.  This is good for me, though.  I'll be able to spend time being productive.  I can clean my apartment and get ready to move out.

Yeah, I'm moving.  The landlord raised my rent, so now I'm leaving and finding a much cheaper place to stay.

Irksome

What I find really irksome when reading unofficial articles written from home are the excessive amount of swearing the author feels is required to get his or her point across.  It gives off the impression that the author is uneducated and is incapable of using a thesaurus.  The article is therefore read at a lower level of legitimacy and validity.  What person wanting to educate themselves would prefer to listen to an uneducated person swearing in front of every other noun the author deems important than an educated person who is capable of using sophisticated language?  Cussing is for ranting, and is great if you would like other people to rant alongside you.  However, the use of such unsophisticated language should be refrained from if you would like to persuade the mass public to your point of view.

http://m.vice.com/read/reasons-why-san-francisco-is-the-worst-place-ever

It's Difficult

Personally, it's very difficult to care about people.  Sure, I have friends, I have a best friend, I have sisters, and I have both a church family and a home family.  But do I genuinely care about any of them?  Perhaps.  I spend time with them.  If they wish to spend time with me, I'll gladly sacrifice a bit of my time for them.  I'm willing to give up my time because I know that my time is much more important than anything else I can give them.  I guess that's a way to show that I care.  But I don't think I can bring myself to cry for them.  To hurt for them.  To love for them.  Or to smile for them.  Honestly, I oftentimes do so as a way of showing them that what they feel or think about a situation is important, but it's not a reflection of the way I feel.  Sympathy?  Perhaps.  Empathy?  Whatever that is, I don't think I have it.  It's very difficult for me to care the way they care.  I feel I can both live with those people and just as easily live without them.  But I do care, and in doing so, I show my care by choosing to live with them.  Oftentimes I feel like I don't care enough, and perhaps I should care more.  But at the same time I don't want to.  Caring puts a burden on me, as if I should do something about it because I care.  Isn't it true, that if you genuinely care about something you will do something about it?  So at the same time, I choose not to care.  Why?  Because no one else will care that much about me.  I feel like I'm left alone, to wander on my own, to find my own way, to fend for myself.  But at the same time I like it.  Everything I do is done by my own choices, and I can be sure that I will be there for myself.  But because I live in this society I must somehow become a part of others' lives.  And as I become a part of theirs they become a part of mine.  And now I have no choice but to care.

It's quite difficult.