I haven't had these sad dreams in a very long time, where I'd wake up in the middle of the night crying. In the dream I felt completely lost, and I was bawling. My heart was aching, and I didn't even have the strength to stand. While I was in the dream, it felt completely real. I was in my apartment, and the details were all there. My dirty grey car parked on my spot in the parking lot, my messy apartment with papers and plastic bags everywhere, even my bed with the hair on the floor and computer sitting next to my mirror.
So this was the dream:
I was going to have lunch with A per usual, but he never showed. I was a little upset, until I found out later that he had died in a car accident. I was extremely upset, partly because I wasn't invited to his funeral, but mostly because he hadn't become Christian (or as much as I knew) before he had died.
That Sunday I went to church, hoping to have my spirits uplifted. I couldn't find E anywhere. She really knew how to make people smile. Later, our pastor came in to start worship. We started off with a moment of silence for E because she had died in a car accident that morning on the way to church. Now I was very sad. There was no one around to cheer me up, either. But mostly, I felt relieved because E was a very strong Christian and I knew she would be blessed up in heaven.
So I called S. I hadn't talked to him in nearly half a year, and wanted to spill out my guts to him. Everything from thank you's to how I felt at the moment. Unfortunately, he never picked up my calls. Later I found out that he had died a while ago. I felt very frustrated and upset, mostly at myself for not calling him sooner and hanging out with him more. I regretted how little time I spent with him before he had passed.
I was obviously very sad because I found out three of the closest people to my heart had died within the same week. I called my sister (the middle one) so we could talk about what was going on in my life. She drove over, but on the way she was killed in a car accident. (By then I should have known it was a dream because she can't drive yet.) Now not only was I very frustrated, but I was extremely depressed. My sister, whom I had loved so much, had passed away, along with three of my friends. I knew I shouldn't cry too much because she was also a very strong believer, but I had loved her so much I couldn't help myself. I was crying very hard, and was drenched in tears.
Later that evening, my mom came by to grieve with me. I felt bad because I was so focused on myself, when my mom had just lost a child. I was crying my heart out, but she wasn't. I thanked her for being here for me, even though she didn't have to. Then I told her that she can't die for a very long time because she had to take care of me. She then told me that it was her job to take care of me, and not only that but it was also her job to take care of our pastor, and even though she doesn't want to, she will stay around for us for a very long time.
Then I woke up.
As a result of this dream, I have figured out the next step to my relational life. I am bringing A with me to this retreat, and I should continue to pray for him. I should follow E's example in staying a steadfast Christian under any circumstances. I texted S so I could talk to him so I won't have any regrets about keeping in touch with him. And I'm going to continue to show my sister how much I love her. I will also continue to be thankful for my mom, and I will try to show more of my love to her.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
EM Retreat
So we're renting a house at Bodega Bay and we're going to stay there over the next weekend. I originally wasn't going to go because of commitments I already have over the weekends. I have the college accountability group, and I have work on Saturdays. It makes my day so packed that I crash as soon as I get home and not wake up until it's time for church on Sunday. It also costs me $50 to go and another $50 because of the Saturday job I won't be doing. But just in case, I asked my friend if he wanted to go. He's an atheist, so I was sure he wouldn't want to go. I do talk to him sometimes about the Bible and the things that I learn, but for some reason I felt like the conversation I would have would be futile. This is what I thought would go in my head:
Me: So... my church group is having a retreat next weekend. Would you like to go?
A: No.
Me: Well it's not gonna be all crazy Bible-y all the time. We're going to Bodega Bay and we're gonna have fun.
A: You know I don't like those kind of things. No. I don't want to have anything to do with your church.
Me: Awww... but it's going to be fun! There might be barbeque, going to the beach...
A: I said no.
Me: Aw. Fine.
The reason why I thought that was because he didn't really enjoy going to Sunday services and joining my life groups and whatnot. I mean, he did come every once in a while, but often he would try not to go. And honestly, I would have felt a little relieved if he said 'no' because it would mean I wouldn't have to go and spend all that money. So imagine my surprise when this conversation happened: (not exact conversation)
Me: So... my church group is having a retreat next weekend. Would you like to go?
A: What's it gonna be like?
Me: Oh, right. You don't really know what a retreat is. Well, for the high school retreats, which are the ones I've been to, there's tons of activities and stuff and there's worship every morning and night and the schedule's really packed, but for the EM retreat it's gonna be a lot more lax. It's mostly just hanging out with the church family and getting to know them better. It's gonna be fun. There might be barbeque and going to the beach and whatnot.
A: Ummm... Maybe. I mean, you know what I do and don't like, so you wouldn't be recommending me to go if you knew I would hate it, right?
Me: Yeah! Well it's gonna be next weekend. And there's actually a $40 fee but I'll pay for that if you actually go.
A: We'll see. I have to ask my mom for permission first, but if I can make it, I'll let you know.
Me: Yay!
So yeah. A couple days later he let me know that he would be able to make it. So I paid the total of a $90 fee, and then there's the $50 I won't be making from my Saturday job, which amounts to a full sum of $140 I'm giving up to hopefully bring my friend to Christ.
I'm actually pretty excited. And kinda nervous. Well, I pray that all goes well. And before he actually let me know whether or not he was coming, I spent days praying for him. I'm glad it all turned out well.
Me: So... my church group is having a retreat next weekend. Would you like to go?
A: No.
Me: Well it's not gonna be all crazy Bible-y all the time. We're going to Bodega Bay and we're gonna have fun.
A: You know I don't like those kind of things. No. I don't want to have anything to do with your church.
Me: Awww... but it's going to be fun! There might be barbeque, going to the beach...
A: I said no.
Me: Aw. Fine.
The reason why I thought that was because he didn't really enjoy going to Sunday services and joining my life groups and whatnot. I mean, he did come every once in a while, but often he would try not to go. And honestly, I would have felt a little relieved if he said 'no' because it would mean I wouldn't have to go and spend all that money. So imagine my surprise when this conversation happened: (not exact conversation)
Me: So... my church group is having a retreat next weekend. Would you like to go?
A: What's it gonna be like?
Me: Oh, right. You don't really know what a retreat is. Well, for the high school retreats, which are the ones I've been to, there's tons of activities and stuff and there's worship every morning and night and the schedule's really packed, but for the EM retreat it's gonna be a lot more lax. It's mostly just hanging out with the church family and getting to know them better. It's gonna be fun. There might be barbeque and going to the beach and whatnot.
A: Ummm... Maybe. I mean, you know what I do and don't like, so you wouldn't be recommending me to go if you knew I would hate it, right?
Me: Yeah! Well it's gonna be next weekend. And there's actually a $40 fee but I'll pay for that if you actually go.
A: We'll see. I have to ask my mom for permission first, but if I can make it, I'll let you know.
Me: Yay!
So yeah. A couple days later he let me know that he would be able to make it. So I paid the total of a $90 fee, and then there's the $50 I won't be making from my Saturday job, which amounts to a full sum of $140 I'm giving up to hopefully bring my friend to Christ.
I'm actually pretty excited. And kinda nervous. Well, I pray that all goes well. And before he actually let me know whether or not he was coming, I spent days praying for him. I'm glad it all turned out well.
American Baptist Seminary of the West
This is the seminary I will be applying to. I'm actually planning on starting it today, and I have 10 days to complete it. It means I have 10 days to get three recommendation letters, one from my pastor. I did send him an email, but I haven't been able to talk to him face to face about it. I'm planning on getting a masters in community leadership, with an emphasis on social ministries. It's basically about nonprofits and whatnot.
To be honest, I don't see a bright path ahead with money rolling in and me living in comfort. It makes me anxious and nervous and even question why I would go down this path. I guess this is because of the way I was brought up. My parents would constantly tell me that I needed to make money later. I needed a good job so I could live in comfort. And because of that background, every job I think of I base off of that standard. If it's a good job, you make a lot of money. If it's not a good job, you're poor. It's a big reason why although I had a huge passion for teaching, I've never pursued a teaching career until after college. I'm starting to realize that money doesn't mean everything to me in my life. Although I've been telling myself that for a very long time now, it still seems to affect many of the decisions I make. And even though the reason I'm trying to go down this path is because of the new lifestyle I'm leading, it makes me nervous because I can't see the dollar signs.
What I mean by my new lifestyle is that I'm trying to follow God in whatever I do and wherever I go. If I'm convicted to do something, I'll obviously pray about it first, and then I'll follow. Well, that's the ideal. I'm trying to follow. Even though the mission trip cost me $300, along with the extra $200 I donated, I still went. I didn't really want to go because of the money, but my heartstrings were being tugged and I went for it. It's also the same with the Horizon Retreat (more on this in another post). It's costing me $120 to go, but my heart was pulled into going. I wasn't going to go on the EM retreat (again in another post). It's costing me $90 to go (I'm paying for me and my friend who's an atheist) but I'm going because my heart is being led to go. But the thing is that these are all short time commitments. A couple months at most. The seminary thing is a lifelong commitment. It means I'm spending at least a year studying the scripture and how I can better serve Christ, and spending the rest of my life doing His works. The dollar signs are unknown and I could probably spend the rest of my life broke. It's scary. Nerve wrecking. So why am I doing this? Because I feel compelled to do so.
I know God will provide everything that is necessary. I know He will never let me get to a point that's unbearable for me. But because I can't see His future provisions right in front of my eyes, it makes it difficult to believe. I guess this is what you call faith. What I'm doing, applying to the seminary, is a huge leap of faith for me. But God is always with me. He's always by my side. He is faithful. He will never let me go.
To be honest, I don't see a bright path ahead with money rolling in and me living in comfort. It makes me anxious and nervous and even question why I would go down this path. I guess this is because of the way I was brought up. My parents would constantly tell me that I needed to make money later. I needed a good job so I could live in comfort. And because of that background, every job I think of I base off of that standard. If it's a good job, you make a lot of money. If it's not a good job, you're poor. It's a big reason why although I had a huge passion for teaching, I've never pursued a teaching career until after college. I'm starting to realize that money doesn't mean everything to me in my life. Although I've been telling myself that for a very long time now, it still seems to affect many of the decisions I make. And even though the reason I'm trying to go down this path is because of the new lifestyle I'm leading, it makes me nervous because I can't see the dollar signs.
What I mean by my new lifestyle is that I'm trying to follow God in whatever I do and wherever I go. If I'm convicted to do something, I'll obviously pray about it first, and then I'll follow. Well, that's the ideal. I'm trying to follow. Even though the mission trip cost me $300, along with the extra $200 I donated, I still went. I didn't really want to go because of the money, but my heartstrings were being tugged and I went for it. It's also the same with the Horizon Retreat (more on this in another post). It's costing me $120 to go, but my heart was pulled into going. I wasn't going to go on the EM retreat (again in another post). It's costing me $90 to go (I'm paying for me and my friend who's an atheist) but I'm going because my heart is being led to go. But the thing is that these are all short time commitments. A couple months at most. The seminary thing is a lifelong commitment. It means I'm spending at least a year studying the scripture and how I can better serve Christ, and spending the rest of my life doing His works. The dollar signs are unknown and I could probably spend the rest of my life broke. It's scary. Nerve wrecking. So why am I doing this? Because I feel compelled to do so.
I know God will provide everything that is necessary. I know He will never let me get to a point that's unbearable for me. But because I can't see His future provisions right in front of my eyes, it makes it difficult to believe. I guess this is what you call faith. What I'm doing, applying to the seminary, is a huge leap of faith for me. But God is always with me. He's always by my side. He is faithful. He will never let me go.
Trip to Mexico
Although the mission trip to Mexico was nearly three weeks ago, I haven't really felt compelled to blog about it. Mostly because I already talked about it with many people and even did a quick few minute testimony on it in front of the youth group. But here goes:
Overall it was pretty good. I felt like I tried pretty hard, and worked my butt off when I could. I needed to remind myself every morning when I woke up and whenever I started feeling lazy the reason I was there in the first place. I wasn't there to be on a vacation, but I was there so I could help out in any way I could. It was interesting. At night I would close my eyes, and when I opened them it was morning. I was sleeping on a wooden floor with nothing but a thin 1/2 inch styrofoam mat and my sleeping bag. I was sore and just wanted to sleep more, but I would get up, and spend the entire day doing stuff without napping. Then it would be night and then the cycle would happen again. Honestly, it felt great to be so busy everyday, and not busy going to work and making money for myself, but working for the good of God and the people we were serving. It was also great that I got to know more people. I already knew the members of the youth group, but I got to better know some KM members and some adults. Normally, because the different sections of the church don't interact much, I don't really know anyone outside of youth group. But the mission trip was a good way to connect with other members of the church, and it really felt like we were one, humongous family. The mission trip really confirmed for me that serving God for the rest of my life is what I really want to do, and I would be really happy just spending day after day doing so. I didn't feel the extremely strong conviction about going to seminary the way I did last month, but I think this was a gentler way of letting me know that going to seminary is a good path.
More on the seminary in my next post.
So during the mission trip, we painted the building while guys were roofing the building. For the VBS we held, I wasn't really a member of the skit team. Although it felt as if I didn't really have an important role to play, I tried to help out whenever I could. I tried really hard to learn enough Spanish to communicate with the kids. I wanted the kids to feel welcome and loved. I tried to help out where I could, in just making the kids smile or helping them with arts and crafts. Although it's not such a big role in my eyes, I guess it is significant because the goal was for us to spread the love of Jesus Christ.
Overall it was pretty good. I felt like I tried pretty hard, and worked my butt off when I could. I needed to remind myself every morning when I woke up and whenever I started feeling lazy the reason I was there in the first place. I wasn't there to be on a vacation, but I was there so I could help out in any way I could. It was interesting. At night I would close my eyes, and when I opened them it was morning. I was sleeping on a wooden floor with nothing but a thin 1/2 inch styrofoam mat and my sleeping bag. I was sore and just wanted to sleep more, but I would get up, and spend the entire day doing stuff without napping. Then it would be night and then the cycle would happen again. Honestly, it felt great to be so busy everyday, and not busy going to work and making money for myself, but working for the good of God and the people we were serving. It was also great that I got to know more people. I already knew the members of the youth group, but I got to better know some KM members and some adults. Normally, because the different sections of the church don't interact much, I don't really know anyone outside of youth group. But the mission trip was a good way to connect with other members of the church, and it really felt like we were one, humongous family. The mission trip really confirmed for me that serving God for the rest of my life is what I really want to do, and I would be really happy just spending day after day doing so. I didn't feel the extremely strong conviction about going to seminary the way I did last month, but I think this was a gentler way of letting me know that going to seminary is a good path.
More on the seminary in my next post.
So during the mission trip, we painted the building while guys were roofing the building. For the VBS we held, I wasn't really a member of the skit team. Although it felt as if I didn't really have an important role to play, I tried to help out whenever I could. I tried really hard to learn enough Spanish to communicate with the kids. I wanted the kids to feel welcome and loved. I tried to help out where I could, in just making the kids smile or helping them with arts and crafts. Although it's not such a big role in my eyes, I guess it is significant because the goal was for us to spread the love of Jesus Christ.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Love vs. Hate
"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."
- Elie Wiesel
There is a lot of talk about love and hate in the Bible. We must love things that God loves and hate things that God hates. But really behind it all, He wants us to care. He wants us to care about the world around us, about the people around us, and the actions that form us. Being indifferent and keeping silent is the exact opposite of what God wants us to do. Whether it is showing love and compassion, or showing anger and hatred, He wants us to care.
- Elie Wiesel
There is a lot of talk about love and hate in the Bible. We must love things that God loves and hate things that God hates. But really behind it all, He wants us to care. He wants us to care about the world around us, about the people around us, and the actions that form us. Being indifferent and keeping silent is the exact opposite of what God wants us to do. Whether it is showing love and compassion, or showing anger and hatred, He wants us to care.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Yet Another Weird Dream
Last week was the mission trip to Mexico. It went very well and was a very good experience. However, more on that later.
Sunday night I had a very weird dream. Here's how it goes:
An older man (possibly a father figure), a friend of mine, and a baby (also a friend of mine, although possibly not related to me) and I were together. Organ transplants were a very common thing the wealthy did. In Dollhouse, people change personalities by getting their brains wiped. But in my dream, people change personalities by getting their organs transplanted. Basically, the rich found a way to kidnap someone and put their organs into the new person's body in order to continue living on in a new form. All of us got kidnapped. I managed to escape, and tried to free the others. But it was too late. My friend and the baby were already other people. The father figure wasn't yet turned into someone else but they were doing a new experiment on him. A very old rich guy had Alzheimer's and wouldn't live for much longer. They had to do a risky, new procedure, or he'd die. Brain transplants had never been successfully done before, but if the old man didn't do it now, it would be too late. So the scientists cloned a new brain from the old man and grew it in a cloned version of the father figure's head. It was practically sorcery. It happened in a matter of minutes in a bubbling cauldron. Then the father figure was decapitated and the new head placed on him. They weren't sure whether or not it would work, but after a while, the new head settled in perfectly. The father figure was immediately transformed into the character of the old man. My friend and the baby saw me and rushed towards me. The baby had been completely transformed, but my friend had some time left. She wanted to save the baby and I pretended to show them how to escape. I new, however, there was no chance of saving her, and it would be better off that she died rather than be trapped in someone else's mind. So I took the opportunity to send them against a wall that was collapsing on us. It was after I watched them die that I had realized I had killed my two best friends, and they, especially the girl, didn't know why.
Sunday night I had a very weird dream. Here's how it goes:
An older man (possibly a father figure), a friend of mine, and a baby (also a friend of mine, although possibly not related to me) and I were together. Organ transplants were a very common thing the wealthy did. In Dollhouse, people change personalities by getting their brains wiped. But in my dream, people change personalities by getting their organs transplanted. Basically, the rich found a way to kidnap someone and put their organs into the new person's body in order to continue living on in a new form. All of us got kidnapped. I managed to escape, and tried to free the others. But it was too late. My friend and the baby were already other people. The father figure wasn't yet turned into someone else but they were doing a new experiment on him. A very old rich guy had Alzheimer's and wouldn't live for much longer. They had to do a risky, new procedure, or he'd die. Brain transplants had never been successfully done before, but if the old man didn't do it now, it would be too late. So the scientists cloned a new brain from the old man and grew it in a cloned version of the father figure's head. It was practically sorcery. It happened in a matter of minutes in a bubbling cauldron. Then the father figure was decapitated and the new head placed on him. They weren't sure whether or not it would work, but after a while, the new head settled in perfectly. The father figure was immediately transformed into the character of the old man. My friend and the baby saw me and rushed towards me. The baby had been completely transformed, but my friend had some time left. She wanted to save the baby and I pretended to show them how to escape. I new, however, there was no chance of saving her, and it would be better off that she died rather than be trapped in someone else's mind. So I took the opportunity to send them against a wall that was collapsing on us. It was after I watched them die that I had realized I had killed my two best friends, and they, especially the girl, didn't know why.
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