Fish Love

This is a short story about a fish that I wrote a couple months back:



Here’s a short story of a little fish.  Written by Jeen Cha.

The little fish lived in a great big ocean.  From a very young age she learned to battle sharks and escape fishing nets.  Although she was a very young fish, she had been through many experiences other, much older fish would never go through.  This made the fish very knowledgeable about the world around her, and many other fish respected her for that.

During her life she met many other fish, but most of these fish were from small ponds in the backyards of humans.  These fish would often seek guidance from this intelligent, young fish about how to face their fears, from the unknown dirt at the bottom of the pond to the great cats that would roam the edges.  Although the young fish would listen, understand, and give council, she was often frustrated at how little other fish knew about the great big ocean world and at how little other fish would be able to understand her as she could understand them.

Then one day, this young fish met another young fish.  They would talk to each other about their great adventures until she realized that the other young fish was just like her.  He was not from a pond, since a pond fish’s greatest worry was about the giant cat that would roam the edges.  He was not from a lake because a lake fish’s greatest worry was about the giant boats that would cause waves and try to catch the fish living in the lake.  She realized that this fish was also from an ocean.  They had both escaped from battles with sharks and they both boasted battle wounds.  They had both escaped from human divers that would come to take their friends away.  And they both had seen the marvelous beauty on the ocean floors that were painted with different sea plants and reefs.  The young fish knew her ocean very well because in her short life, she had explored it all.  Yet she realized that although the other fish was from an ocean as well, the sharks he had battled were different.  The beauty he described were nowhere to be seen.  Although he was from an ocean, it was a different ocean.  She grew intrigued, and wanted to know more about the world outside.  She wanted to know more about where he was from, and more about what his life was like living in that different ocean.

She was in love.

She dreamed of what it was like living in that other ocean.  She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, exploring the vast oceans and sharing adventures.

But the other fish didn’t feel the same way.  He had lived in an ocean for far too long and would rather live in a pond.  He didn’t want to know about the other ocean with its great dangers, and didn’t want to hear any of her many adventures.  He told the young fish that he wished he could move to a little pond where danger was nowhere to be found, and live out the rest of his days there.

The young fish was heartbroken.  Although she loved him, she couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her life living cooped up in a tiny pond with no danger, adventure, and beauty.  Although she loved him and couldn’t bear to part with him, she decided it was best to leave him to go and face the perils of the great oceans.  She had grown up living in the dangerous waters alone, and she knew she could face them alone again.  She was ready for her next adventure, and perhaps, someday, she would find another young fish like her that was ready to travel through those waters together.

I'm a Red

I took the Color Code personality test.  I'm a red.


The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Power".  Power means the ability to get things done, to go from A to B as quickly and directly as possible.  The word power was derived from the Old French poeir meaning "to be able."  Often what is perceived by the other colors as insensitive is simply a pragmatic sense of urgency to accomplish a given task.

As a RED you naturally seek productivity and want others to see you as intellectually strong.  As REDS want their own way, you like to be in the driver's seat and are willing to pay the price to be in a leadership role even in an intimate relationship.  However, you can get frustrated when your partner cannot think for himself or make intelligent decisions on his own.  As a RED, you tend to value whatever gets you ahead in life, whether it is at work, school, or in your personal relationships.  What you value, you get done.  You may be a workaholic and enjoy it!  You will, however, resist being forced to do anything that doesn't interest you.

As a RED, you are likely to be right.  You value approval from others for your intelligence and solution-based, pragmatic style.  You want to be respected even more than you want to be loved, and you appreciate admiration for your logical, practical mind.

Nobody Dates Like a RED

This is true.  When you are in pursuit of something (or somebody!), you tend to go all out.  You dress to impress, you get the limo, the tickets, the flowers, the reservations, and the whole shebang.  You by nature are a very competitive opponent to any other potential suitor who may come along, and you take great pleasure in taking home the prize.

You are Highly Protective of Your Companion

When you commit to someone, they can feel your protection on all levels.  You see them as part of you, and are willing to go to war verbally and even physically on their behalf.  You will not back down or remain silent when your partner is being attacked.  Your companion loves to know that he is being taken care of and that you will be there to back him up and defend him whenever necessary.

You Tend to be Selfish

As a RED, you tend to always be thinking about what's in it for you.  If you always put your needs before those of someone you're dating or are involved with in a committed relationship, you will foster a sense of resentment that may ultimately cost you everything.

You can be Uncomfortable with Emotions and Feelings

Logic is your strong suit, and you may feel uncomfortable or insecure when your partner gets emotional.  You see this as weakness and may become adamant that he address such things in a more logical manner.  When he does not, you become dismissive, when in reality, you are the laggard where matters of the heart are concerned.  There is tremendous value in connecting emotionally, and if you cannot learn to do so, you and your partner will miss out.

You Need Respect

As a RED, you naturally want to be respected.  In fact, it may be more important to you to be respected than loved.  You also need for your partner to be worthy (and if needs be, demanding) of your respect.  How can you love what you can't respect?  You appreciate your partner more if they demand your respect than simply allow you free license to walk all over them.

You Need to Appear Knowledgeable

You value your intellectual and logic-based abilities.  You consider your ability to reason and problem-solve to be one of your greatest attributes.  You want your partner to value this about you as well and to promote this image to others.  If your partner were to ever embarrass you publicly, you would have a hard time ever getting over it.

You Want to Tightly Hide Your Insecurities

You feel insecure about your various inadequacies, and feel powerless when such things are exposed.  Therefore, it is your tendency to guard those feelings of insecurity and inadequacy very tightly even from your significant other.  This is not always appropriate, and you should find someone with whom you are able to open your heart and be vulnerable to so that you learn to value yourself for who you are and not solely by what you are able to produce.

You Want Your Productivity to be Supported

REDS want to be productive, and you are no exception.  You feel you are at your best when you are able to accomplish various goals.  It is important that you find someone who allows you the time and the space that you need to continue to produce and do what you do best.

Top 5 RED Turn-Ons

1.  Being competent
2.  Demanding attention and respect from them and others
3.  Being direct, brief, and specific
4.  Presenting issues logically
5.  Supporting their leadership instincts

Top 5 RED Turn-Offs

1.  Embarrassing them in front of others
2.  Arguing from an emotional perspective
3.  Being slow and indecisive
4.  Taking their arguments personally
5.  Waiting for them to solicit your opinion


So I read tidbits about the other color personalities, and I seem to fit best with a yellow.  Any yellows out there?

No Guitar

I still do want to learn the guitar one day.  I will eventually buy one.  But for now, instead of spending the money on a guitar, I've decided to buy a gym membership.

Here's a couple reasons why:
Summer is coming up and I need to look good in a bathing suit.  Haha...  I look good all the time, bathing suit or not.
I have a lot of hobbies that include me sitting on my butt for hours on end.  Watching TV, knitting, researching (for blogging), etc.  If I added playing guitar to the list, that's more of sitting down and gaining fat.

So I decided to get a gym membership at a local gym.  It's a bit on the expensive side, but I think it's worth it.  It comes with a hot tub, swimming pool, tennis courts, racquetball courts, ping pong table, complementary workout classes, and complementary personal trainer.

I'm trying to get back the shape I used to be in when I was in high school.  (Where I had a semi-flat belly and my ribs were showing.)

But I will get that guitar one day.  Hopefully by next year.

Schools vs. Homes

I used to be a 'bad kid' back in elementary school.  Keep in mind that I went to a Catholic school until the third grade.  Their standards were very strict, and kids with 'behavioral problems' needed to be 'fixed'.  So I was one of those kids.  I supposedly didn't follow directions, didn't pay attention in class, acted out inappropriately, etc.  I can't remember all the times I got sent to the principal's office.  I also know there were several times my teachers had to arrange a meeting with my mom because of me.

So here's the question:
When a child acts out, does he or she have a behavioral problem that needs to be or can be fixed?

Here's my answer:
There's nothing wrong with the child.  (Unless there's something physically wrong, such as brain damage or something.)  Everything else is wrong.  The child is not.

We have to remember that children are very different from adults.  It's something that we forget all the time when dealing with them.

They are naturally curious about the world around them.  They were born that way.  It's a human instinct to want to know more about the world around you.  Especially in babies and children.  So when a child asks an off-topic question, why is it we try to shut them up?  Why do we want to curb their interest?  What makes us want to keep them from speaking their mind?

They are not born with an inherent moral sense of what's right and what's wrong.  Morality is subjective.  It differs throughout different cultures.  So when a child does something 'bad' at school, such as punching a kid or stealing someone's lunch, he or she isn't doing it thinking, 'I know this is bad but I'm choosing to do it anyway.'  Sure, school teaches this as 'bad actions' but in the kid's point of view, 'bad' is only when you get punished for it, so if you don't get caught it's not 'bad'.  Whatever action a kid does, it's completely possible that at home these things are completely normal and part of their everyday life.  Especially in the huge melting pot the US is, we have to understand that every kid will come from a different background.  So why are we punishing kids for being raised in a bad environment?  Why are we punishing them for having a different moral compass than the rest of us?

Everyone has a different personality.  It's been this way since forever.  Yet at schools, nearly all the teachers try to have their students have a single, distinct personality.  They only commend children who answer questions in class.  They only praise students that are willing to talk in large group settings.  They only like students who eagerly try to make friends with everybody in the classroom.  Basically, extroverts are praised, and introverts are told to do better.  Why do we do this?  What makes one type of personality so much more appealing than the other?  It's not like extroverts make a majority of the population, either.

I can go on and on, but there's one more issue I want to address:

Parents lie.  Often.  Especially to teachers.

"I'll promise to try to make my child do their homework."
"I'll make sure he never touches another student again."
"I'll make sure he goes to class on time."
"There's nothing going on at home.  He just acts out all the time at home, too."

Children usually learn by example.

They see their parents always playing games or watching TV.  They don't do anything except tell the kid to do their homework.  Why should they listen?  What's motivating them to obey their parents?
They probably see their mom or dad hitting someone all the time.  If the parents can do it, why can't they?
They probably see their parents always late to work, late to meetings, late to church.  If it's not so important to be on time in the real world, why is school any different?

This last one is a bit important.  This, I believe, is a huge lie told by parents all the time.  There's always something going on at home.  If a kid acts out, there's a reason why.  But let's skip the details and save them for another time.

So here's the really big question:
What can we do?  What can we do to help these children?  Giving them detention, making them write lines, even corporal punishment cannot help these kids.  What can we do?  CAN we do anything?  As teachers, what is it we can do inside a classroom that will help these kids?  Outside of lessons and classwork time, we probably only have a couple hours a day to help a student out one on one.  Is there anything we can do in such a short amount of time that will really help these kids in a way that will last a lifetime?

Soccer

I used to love soccer.  I loved playing it, I loved watching it.  I was never very good at it, but I still enjoyed it.  I still love watching soccer games, even on TV.  I don't enjoy playing it as much because I had a bad taste in my mouth since sophomore year of high school.

I was on the JV soccer team in my freshmen year.  JV because I wasn't good at it.  I wasn't raised on it, and I had no one to play with.  But I still loved it.  Then came sophomore year.  Freshmen year was my growth spurt, and along with it came an immense change in shoe size.  I remember telling my dad that I needed to buy new soccer shoes because the ones I had were too small.  We went to Big 5 to pick out a pair of cleats.  But after looking at the prices, my dad sat me down and told me that they were too expensive.  That he couldn't afford it, and I should just quit the team and find something else to do.

Of course I didn't listen to him.  Stealing a pair of cleats was too risky for me, so I did the next best thing: I squeezed my feet into my old cleats and kept on going.  By the end of the tryouts, I had no choice but to stop playing.  My feet hurt so much I couldn't stand on them.  I couldn't even run properly, much less aim the ball at the goal.  I got into JV again.  So I decided to quit.  I couldn't keep going on with something that was so emotionally and physically painful.

Then I found badminton.  Badminton was okay for my dad because Big 5 sold the cheapy bendable ones for $5.  But even so, there were other people on the team who had racquets to spare, so I had no problems playing.  In fact, in my junior year, my coach gave me an old racquet of his, which was still usable.  I still have to this day.

Obviously my parents kept discouraging me from continuing on.  I should stop playing badminton and focus on my studies.  (You'd think that they'd want me to keep playing because of the number of times they kept calling me fat.)  And obviously I did everything I could to keep away from the house.

I even enjoyed going to summer school or doing volunteer work just because it kept me out of the house, and therefore safe.  But now I'm slowly drifting away from this topic and moving onto a different one.

Mother's Day =[

You know you don't have a good relationship with your mom if....
You end up in a fight with her on mother's day.  =[

It started off with the usual:

Me:  Happy Mother's Day!  *hug*
Mom:  You're fat.  Lose some weight.
Me:  I still love you even though you call me fat all the time.
Mom:  Really?  *jokingly*  Get away.  I don't have any money.

Of course this is completely ordinary so I just get on with it.  I ask her if she needs help in anything, she tells me she doesn't, I know if I don't do anything she'll get mad, but she won't say anything.  Ugh...  Typical girl thing.  Why can't they just say what they're thinking?  Anyways, I ask her how she's been doing, what she's been up to.  She tells me about work, new stuff, etc.

I guess the fight was really my fault.  I addressed the big issue of why she can never say anything nice to me. It went something similar to:

Me:  Why is it that the first thing you always say is that I'm fat?  You never say 'hi' or anything else.  You never ask about how I'm doing.  The first thing you tell me is that I'm fat.
Mom:  Who else would say that to you?  I'm the only one who would tell you that you're fat.  Everyone else would just say you look good.
Me:  I mean, you can always work that into a conversation.  You could tell me that after you ask me how I've been doing.
Mom:  I'm only telling you the truth.  I'm telling you that you're fat because you are fat and you need to lose weight.  Do you think I would tell these things to strangers?  I'm telling you because you're my daughter.

This conversation went on for a while, where both of us try to say the same things in different ways with neither of us giving in.  I don't know who lit the match, but it exploded.  My mom told me how difficult it was to raise me because I never listened to anything she told me to do.  She used the whole me moving out without telling them and how I decided to waste away my money on rent when I could have been saving it.  Interestingly enough, she also brought on how, as an adult, I have to make my own decisions and learn to be responsible for myself, and my terrible circumstances were of my own doing.  I don't think she understood what she said contradicted herself.  I replied with how loving a child, as a parent, isn't just putting food in their mouth and clothes on their back, but also being there for them emotionally and getting to know them.  I told her that I know how much money I'm wasting by living by myself, but even if I ended up homeless, I would have moved out.  Either that or I would have died in the house.  I also told her how me moving out was me finally taking responsibility for myself so I had the chance to make my own decisions instead of being forced to do things I didn't want to do.  My mom responded with how there are worse mothers out there.  How some mothers beat their children because they didn't do anything for Mother's Day morning.  How she would take better care of me if only I did what she told me to do.  Again, neither of us were willing to move from our stance.  I want a mother who would care more about me then the money in my pocket, clothes on my back, food in my stomach, and my resume.  My mother wants a daughter who is completely obedient, does everything she tells her to do, dresses prettily, always has on a smile, and is good for the family reputation.

That was the light going up the fuse.  This was the bomb:
Me:  Is that all you really care about?  How obedient I am?  You don't know anything about me!  Anything.  You've never known anything about me.  Do you even know what my favorite color is?
*silence*
Mom:  So?  Do you know what my favorite color is?  You don't!  You think I had time to take care of you? You try raising three children and pleasing a husband.  I didn't have a good mother to take care of me either!  You try being nice to a kid that doesn't listen to you when you're tired out everyday!

I knew it had exploded, so I tried to cool it down a little.  I tried telling her that I moved out because of dad and not anything else.  If dad wasn't there I wouldn't have moved out.  I was hoping she'd understand because of what she and I had been through because of him.  But she repeated how moving out was a waste of money and how I didn't care enough about saving my money to stay.

Looking back, I think it was her way of justifying having stayed with my dad all those years.  Looking back, it's because we grew up in different eras.  Money was everything to her.  Money meant food, clothes, and education.  Without money, she couldn't do anything.  Having a husband, even a terrible one, meant money at her time.  For me, money isn't everything.  I believe that God will take care of us financially.  He won't let us starve.  I need to be free from my dad's constraints in order to live a better life.  Just having money cannot provide that.

The conversation went on with me telling her how I don't even know my friends' birthdays and I came here because it was Mother's Day and I wanted to do something for her.  How she knew how cold of a person I am usually and I just really wanted to try to do something.  She didn't have to respond angrily.  And how sometimes I really don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong, but she should just tell me instead of being angry.  She responded by telling me how her being angry means I'm doing things wrong, and if I really wanted to help, I should just clean the kitchen.  So I did the dishes and left.

I always thought that having given birth would give you that motherly instinct, where you want to protect the child more than anything.  That you would love the child automatically.  I guess that's not really true.  I mean, I used to believe that being a parent would make you immune to bugs, so you could kill them right away instead of screaming and looking for help.

I guess what I really want are some parents.  Sometimes I get tired of taking care of myself.  It's like I've been taking care of myself forever.  My parents are there, and they're pretty well off now.  Couldn't I just take a break every once in a while and have someone to rely on?  I guess not.

Maybe I should stop trying to get my parents to understand me.  They refuse to try and understand me, and I refuse to be an obedient robot.  Does someone want to adopt me?  Anyone?


On a side note, it's not really surprising how dysfunctional my family is.  We're all sociopathic on different levels.  My dad can only think of himself, and doesn't see the pain he's inflicted on his family.  My mom only thinks of herself and can't seem to connect to even her own children.  There's me, a bit on the extreme side, with my cases of torturing animals when I was young.  I also tend to only think of myself and how my family doesn't offer me anything.  There's my youngest sister, who's very logical and seemingly lacking of emotion.  Then there's my middle sister, who's surprisingly very normal compared to the rest of us.  I don't know how she grew and thrived in such an environment.  Maybe it's because she is normal, and that's the kind of child my parents wanted.

Another side note:  My favorite color has changed multiple times over the years.  My mom could have said any color she could think of: blue, green, red, yellow, orange, pink, or black and it would have been the right answer.  It just saddens me how she couldn't think of even one.  Even I knew my sisters' favorite colors when they were younger.  I wonder if my mom knows theirs.

Didn't Make It

I just got the email telling me that I didn't get picked.

I'm having mixed emotions, right now:  I want to cry a bit.  I also want to throw some things.  I also want to play racquetball.  But I also want to know why it is I have to stay here.  I feel like there's nothing for me here.

But alas, I'm off to find something else to do.  Time to create a new plan!

I think I'll apply to Cal State East Bay for a credential program.  Since I've already passed all the CSET's, I can apply to teaching positions.  Time to write up a nice resume, and apply.

I'm thinking Berkeley School District or Albany School District.

Let's see where life takes me from here.

Prayer

So last week there was National Prayer Day on Thursday.  I found out about it on Tuesday.  But for a week before that, my thoughts have been on prayer.  What prayer was supposed to be like.  What prayer was about.  What are we supposed to pray for.  How are we supposed to pray?

When I was very little, I went to a Catholic school.  In Kindergarten, our teacher taught us what it meant to pray.  We're supposed to get on our knees, close our eyes, bow our heads, put our hands together, and ask for what we want.  It was like that throughout grade school, not just at the Catholic school, but also at my church.  Beyond the Kindergarten-style of what we're supposed to look like when we pray and how we have to say 'in the name of Jesus, Amen' we were never taught what it meant to pray or anything about prayer, really.  So I never really did like praying.  I didn't understand how God would like children constantly whining about toys they want.  But then high school happened.  The youth pastor (the same youth pastor that is still there) started at my church.  (It's why I'm so attached to the group.)  Along with bringing in a whole new world about what it meant to love Jesus, what it meant to be a Christian, and what church was about, he also brought with him the concept of prayer.

I took a discipleship training class that he offered.  For ten weeks, there was intense Bible study, essay writing, and a lot of new ideas and concepts that I've never seen before.  On one of those days, we discussed prayer.  He told us that Jesus gave us an example of what prayer was supposed to be like:



Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
As we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
Matthew 6:9-13

These aren't just some words to repeat every Sunday, but they tell us what prayer should be like.

Jesus starts off with glorifying God, how God is almighty, and that our will here on earth should coincide with the will of God's.  And that's what prayer should start off with, and that's what prayer should revolve around.


Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
Wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
He deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise
And knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
He knows what lies in darkness,
And light dwells with him.
I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors:
You have given me wisdom and power,
You have made known to me what we asked of you,
You have made known to us the dream of the king.
Daniel 2:20-23

When Daniel prayed to God, it was with praise, glorifying God's character.

The rest of the Lord's Prayer is about asking God for His sustenance (not necessarily food) to continue living, asking God to forgive us our sins, and rescuing us from temptation.  But over half of the prayer is spent on describing God's goodness.

The entirety of Psalms that David wrote gave God the praise and glory that He is due.  Even during the times David felt lost and abandoned, he blessed the name of God.


Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise him,
My Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:11


And so that's what I believe that this is what prayer should revolve around.  Oftentimes we kneel down and we ask God for things that we need.  We ask Him for peace, for love, for financial help, for the restoration of relationships, etc.  But we forget to give Him the praise He deserves.

And so I've made it a thing to give God praise whenever I pray.  No matter what it is that I need, I praise God for His goodness first thing, and I end my prayers with praise.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.  Amen.

Have Faith

So after the weeks about compassion, there was the week about prayer the week before National Prayer Day, which I'll talk more about in my next post.

Then there were two weeks on me having more faith in God.  There are many things that I know about God's character, and about what I should be like, how I should be acting, but all those things that I know I only know in my head.  The information is there, but I just can't seem to believe in them wholeheartedly.  Like having more faith in God, because I know that God will never fail me.  God is always faithful.  He is never changing.  He knows all.  Everything will happen properly, according to His time.  And all I have to do is just believe in it.  Just have faith that things will happen according to His plan.

Yes, this has something to do with the interview.  Two weeks ago was my interview.  They told me that they would let us know in two weeks.  It's been two weeks.  I have had neither a phone call nor an email yet.

I feel like this Teaching Fellows in Forth Worth is the right thing for me.  I know that when I'm there, I can grow more.  That I can mature in God before I continue on in my journey around the...  world (maybe).  That's why I applied.  The way things have been going, the fact that I even got the interview was God's way of telling me that this was the right thing to do.  So I even bought plane tickets to go there.  I really do believe that this is the right path for me.

But starting about a week ago, I've been panicking.  What if this doesn't work out?  What am I going to do? Am I really going to be stuck here?  I felt lost again, abandoned again, like I did when I moved out of my parent's house.  I remember that afterwards I could see God having been with me through the whole ordeal. I just couldn't see it then.  So I also know that now, God is still with me.  Even though I can't clearly see Him, I know that He is there.  But this I know in my head.  Not in my heart.  It's difficult.

I got to talk to one of my friends on Saturday.

Side note:
I really can tell that this is the right path for me.  I got a part-time job on Saturdays helping out with that friend.  Her family owns a business, and she's letting me work there on Saturdays for this month.  It will really help me financially because of the whole moving thing.

Anyways, I talked about my trip in Fort Worth, about the whole me getting lost on the freeway thing.  And she restated my story in a way that clearly pictured what I was going through.  When I stopped at the In-n-Out and charged my phone, I opened up my GPS and found that I was right in the middle of the airport and my motel.  Even though I may have been lost, and I was struggling finding the right highways to go on, from a bird's eye point of view, I was on the right path.  I guess that's what it looks like right now.  I feel lost.  I feel confused.  I can't see more than a few hours ahead of me.  I have to make decisions, but I feel like I can't make the right choices because I don't have enough information about what might happen.  But in God's point of view, I'm on the right track.  I'm not lost.  I'm headed towards His goal for me.  I just need to have a little more faith.  It's like I'm walking blind on a road I've never been on before.  I hear His voice and I'm walking towards it.  I just have to have faith that He'll keep me away from curbs and potholes.

So a bit of background on why this is so difficult for me:
I have this need to know everything that's going to happen.  I'm a planner.  I plan things out and I do them.  This year after college has been especially difficult because I couldn't see past a week or two at a time.  When I was in high school, I had my future planned out.  I knew what colleges I was going to apply to, what SAT's I was going to take, what AP classes I was going to pass, what my major was going to be, and all of this in about the 10th grade.  In college, I knew what classes I was going to take in what quarter for years at a time.  I knew what internships I would apply to, etc.  I felt like I had everything planned out.  But in case my plan doesn't go the way I want it to, I always had a plan B.  And I was always prepared.  In case one internship went south, I had already applied to another one.  In case one class was full or clashed with another class, I had backup classes that I could take.  In case my weekend plans didn't work out because of something, there was always something else I could do.  I always have a plan B.  I think it's because of the way I grew up.  My mom always has a plan B prepared, too.  And when I told her about the Texas job, that's all she could talk about for a good hour.  What would I do if I ended up staying here?  What about my credential just in case?  Did I apply for a school here in case I couldn't go there?  What job did I apply for just in case the Texas job didn't work out?  Normally, I would have had all these things prepared.  But this is a special case.  I really feel like this is a calling.  There is no plan B.  I have to just close my eyes and dive in.

So here I go.  Also posting this in a leap of faith.  Because if it doesn't work out, then I'll feel stupid.  But God is always faithful.  Now I just have to trust in Him.


Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Roman 4:18-21 (NIV)

Busy Busy Bee

I've been extremely busy lately, especially at work, so I've had no time to make any recent posts.

Work:
It's near the end of the school year, so everyone's rushing to get things done and turn things in that should've gotten done and turned in months ago.  As the file clerk, I'm at the end of the long chain of paperwork, which means that long after school is over, I'll still be keeping pretty busy trying to catch up with all the incoming papers.  Lately, I've been getting in a box and a half of paperwork a day on average, and about a five-foot tall stack of files to put away.  That's about two days worth of work for me, because on top of all that, I have teachers and program managers and psychologists calling me wanting files pulled and copies made.  So I'm pretty backed up, which means there's no time for me to write anything except during my lunch hour.  (Right now.)

Texas thing:
I'm still waiting on a reply, which is really destroying me inside, but more on that in my next post.  I'm spending my free time studying for the TExES exam, which I'll have to take very soon.  It's really difficult actually.  I could pass the CSET's in my sleep, but the TExES is more difficult, and the requirement to pass is higher.  So I'm actually studying for it.  I bought the book, I'm solving problems, memorizing formulas, etc.

My baby sister:
She's in the tenth grade, which means AP tests.  She goes to a school that doesn't offer any AP classes, so she has to study for the AP test on her own.  Studying on her own means buying a book, asking her sister to be a free tutor, and me spending about five hours a day teaching her.  Five hours a day for me is $100/day that I'm not charging.  With my moving to Texas and all, I kinda need that money.  That I can't ask for.  Because she's my family.

Five Guys:
Their fries are amazing.  Last Thursday, several people from my life group went to eat there together.  It was my first time there, and I must say, their fries are the best.  In-n-Out fries were my favorite until I tried Five Guys.  Their fries are thick-cut and are fried in peanut oil.  So it's healthier, and it tastes better.  I love love love it.  This has absolutely nothing with me being busy, but I needed to put it out there.

Suicide Letter

My sister and I were talking about how so many kids at school commit suicide, and how common it's become to the kids who witness it that they are no longer affected by the deaths of those around them.

This actually made me remember something:

When I packed to move to Davis for college, I went through all the papers hidden in the corners of my room and whatnot. I found an envelope addressed to two of my best friends from elementary school. I remembered making the envelope but I didn't remember what the contents of the letter was. I open it, and it was a suicide letter that I had written in 7th grade. I don't really remember what I did with it after I found it, but I don't have it anymore.

Suicide is something that I've struggled with for a very long time. It was finally in November of 2012 when suicide was no longer my go-to solution. When my dad kicked me, and I felt that I needed to escape, the first thing that came to my mind was my life group and how they could protect me. It wasn't a plan on how I can cut myself so I can lose a lot of blood in a short amount of time, or where the tallest building was so I could jump off it, or if I could find a beam steady enough to hold my weight as I hung myself.

Thank you people from my life group. Through you, God has saved me. Thank you for saving my life.

Slow Drivers >[

You know you're a slow driver if...

One of those huge transport trucks that's behind you decide to switch lanes just to pass you.

Really.  What are you doing driving 40mph on a freeway?!

Thank You

All I can do is thank You
For this life I never deserved
Wanna thank You for the grace
I know I don't have to earn
You love me, You love me
Your mercy is proof
All I can do is say thank You
All I can do is say thank You

Chorus in All I Can Do (Thank You) by Mikeschair

Thankful for Who I Am

There are many a times when I get jealous, especially of my perfect angelic little sisters whom my parents adore so much.  I used to always try to get them to ask my parents for a favor, because they would be more likely to agree with them than with me.  My sisters were able to bring out the loving, parental figures that, for some reason, were seemingly absent from my life.  Not that my parents didn't love me, but they definitely loved my sisters more and wouldn't try to deny it.  If my sisters ever did something wrong, either I was to blame, or my bad influence on them was to blame.  The majority of this inequality came from my dad.  My mom loved both me and my younger sister equally until my baby sister came along.

There are several reasons that I'm pretty positive are why my dad didn't like me very much.  My dad is extremely old-fashioned, even for his age.  He has that typical Asian belief where he is the head of the household and everyone must always obey him, especially women.  Because I grew up in America, I obviously didn't share the same beliefs.  The cultural gap between me and my dad is more than a single generation's worth.  My dad still believes that no one in his family should argue against him.  Yet, no matter how many times he's tried to crush it out of me, I always voiced my opinions and let him know if I disagreed with him.  My sisters, on the other hand, are very obedient.  Even if they don't agree with what he says, they keep their opinions to themselves and just go along with what he says.  I feel like this is the main reason why he hated me so much.  He refuses to see my want of independent thought as anything other than an act of rebellion.

Another, definite reason why my dad never seemed to like me was because of my poor grades in school.  I went to a Catholic elementary school for until the end of third grade, where they had the same basic principles my dad kept trying to instill in me.  They wanted my complete obedience to everything they said and taught.  And of course, I refused.  I would ask certain questions and would refuse to comply with certain directions that would land me in the principal's office.  Because of this, I kept to my belief that teachers were not to be trusted and that they were just out there to get me even when I moved to a public elementary school.  The public school teachers were much nicer, and gave me much more freedom.  In fact, they gave me a lot more independence than I was used to, expecting that I could do week-long projects without a constant watch on me, telling me exactly when to finish exactly what part.  This unfamiliar independence added to my dislike for teachers resulted in my never turning in homework, never doing projects, and lack of of teamwork, which in turn resulted in handfuls of C's and D's for the rest of my elementary and middle school career.  My dad took this as me not caring to learn anything, not wanting to go to school, not trying to become anything, and undermining his extraordinary amount of effort to send me to good schools.  My sisters, on the other hand, would always come home with A's because they always turned in their homework and did exactly as the teacher told them to.  To my defense, they never had to suffer through a Catholic school.

The last obvious reason as to why my dad never liked me was because of the lack of the natural father-daughter bond other families seemed to have.  My dad moved to America when I was one, leaving my mom and me in Korea.  We finally moved to be with him when I was three, but that's two years of precious time in a child's life one cannot get back.  I have memories going back to when I was about two or three.  I have memories of my mom playing with me, of the preschool I went to, and of my grandmother.  But the earliest memory I have of my dad was when I was in Kindergarten.  It's very obvious to everyone but my dad that I would form a strong bond with my mom and wouldn't immediately warm up to my dad.  My dad's violent behavior towards my mom only widened the gap that was already there.  Although it may be obvious that my lack of affection towards my dad is natural, my dad took it as a sign of me favoring my 'insubordinate' mom instead of the 'obvious and natural response' of agreeing with the head of the household.  I think he took that idea and decided to hate me back.

Moving on from my childhood to my high school days:
Every child wants to be loved by their parents.  Even me.  This inability for me to gain their love while my sisters had so much of it made me jealous of them.  I wanted their ability to concentrate and study and do homework.  But years of not doing homework along with my attitude towards things such as homework has kept me from being able to do so, all the way through college.

So why am I so thankful for who I am, even though it's caused me all this hardship?  It's because I believe that it was through all this I was able to come to know God.  If I was that perfect child that my parents wanted me to be, my ego would have been much more inflated than it already is.  I know myself well enough that I would have believed that everything that went well in my life would be because I deserved it, and that I had earned everything I got, and that I was the best in the world.  With this attitude, there was no possible way that I would have opened my eyes to see Jesus.  My sisters don't have this attitude, which is probably why they're able to live such good lives.  They're able to be well-off and manage to stay connected with Jesus all the way through.  But I wouldn't have been able to do so.

So that is why I am thankful for who I am.  Through it all, God was there for me, and He wants me exactly as I am.


Verse 2 of 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find