Last year Horizon, I went as a counselor. This year, I went as a volunteer. I wasn't doing very well spiritually, and my church was (still is) going through a very difficult time. I really wanted to go again, but I didn't feel it would be appropriate to be a counselor for a group of kids that would look up to me. So this time I went as a volunteer. Basically I went there for myself. Last year I barely got any sleep. For someone who can't function without at least 8 hours of sleep every night, I was getting 5. I ended up bleeding from my ears at the end of the retreat, and I crashed for days on end. This time, going as a volunteer, our schedules are pretty relaxed. I was able to get enough sleep. There was also the added perk of being in the cabins with actual windows. That's right, the counselors and the students had to sleep with flaps covering their windows instead of glass. But it wasn't enough. I thought going as a volunteer would mean I would be more blessed. How very selfish of me. I was only thinking for myself. I wanted to use those days for myself, and not have to give all of my attention to the kids. But for some reason (and it should be) it wasn't working for me. But afterwards I started paying more attention to the people around me, including other volunteers and the kids at the retreat. I started praying for them instead of myself. God really does want us to care about other people ahead of ourselves. The blessings I received from the retreat were actually blessings sent by God through other people. It was a wonderful feeling.
So next year, no more Horizon for me. Horizon is a retreat designed for the youth kids. My sister will go, but I won't (unless things change within the next year). I stopped being a youth teacher, and I've lost quite a bit of heart for them. If I ever do go again, though, it will definitely be as a counselor. For now, I will be focusing on my church, and the young adult ministry.
Oh, and somehow I've unintentionally picked up all of the responsibilities for the children's classes for our church. How did that happen...
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Two Bad Dreams
Over the past two nights, I've had two bad dreams. It's one of those conspiracy dreams, where I'm the protagonist, things start happening, and I very slowly uncover facts that freak me out.
First Dream:
My friend and I, along with some people from church, were at Bodega Bay. We were walking along, and we came to a small intersection. The intersection was upside-down Y shaped. One road went down to the right, while the road we were on (bottom left) ended at the intersection. It is important to note that there aren't a lot of intersections in the area. It was cloudy, and starting to get dark. Several cars passed by from the top part of the road. One of them was a very expensive, blue BMW. My friend and I talked about the cars that passed, both good and bad. But right after we talked about the BMW, we saw the exact same one (with headlights on) pass by in the exact same way. We thought that was weird, but we took that opportunity to talk more about the car. Then it passed by again. I didn't tell anyone, but I knew that it was the exact same car, and it only passed by us when we were saying something bad about it. I knew it was impossible for the car to come around that quickly, so I tested it. I said something nice about the car. Then I waited. No car. Then I said something bad about the car. The car appeared. The really weird thing was that not only was it the exact same car, but it came in the exact same fashion, with the exact same sounds, being on exactly the same part of the road, and even the glare in the headlights were exactly the same. It was like I was rewatching a clip from a movie. After that, my friend finally caught on. So we tested it again. The car came around, and this time I looked closely. There was no driver.
Second Dream:
I was with my church at the summer retreat. I must have overheard some type of conversation, or saw something I shouldn't have because as we were leaving, the youth pastor came up to me and told me that There is a high chance I'm being stalked, so rather than take my car (which could be tracked) or walk home from a short-cut bus route, I should take the bart and the bus directly home. (Apparently I did not live where I currently live in the dream. I lived on some part of San Pablo Ave.) I thought it was strange. Why would I be stalked? Can't I just confront the person? But thinking about the strange whispers I had heard and the pastor's shaky voice, I decided I would take the bart and the bus home. I made sure absolutely no one was following me. No one that got off the bart went on the bus with me, and the only people that got on the bus with me was this homeless guy who was already at the bus stop and one of the guys from the praise team at the retreat. I get on the bus, but the bus misses my stop. The bus speeds up. I get up so I could talk to the driver, but the bus driver turns to look at me. He had a mask and a gun pointed in my direction. It really freaked me out. What was going on? This is way more than just stalking. This guy knew where I was going, where I lived, and planned things out in advance, which meant he was working with other people. I was somehow involved in something serious, but I had no clue what it was. I turned around, and saw the homeless guy sleeping in the back corner of the bus, but the other guy was nowhere to be seen. I thought maybe he was part of it, but apparently he had just been hiding behind a seat because he jumped out, somehow threw the driver out of the bus, and took control of the bus. While he was driving, we discussed about what we should do. Should he turn the bus around and drive me back home? No, it was too risky. They had obviously planned this, which meant they had a bus tracker and they know where I live. There was a high chance that if I went home, I would die. But the driver had obviously only targeted me, and not him, so it would be safer to find a route to his place. We decided to keep driving on the bus route. At one of the stops we jumped out and we made a run for it, up a tall foresty hill, waited for some time, and got on a different bus back to his place. (That was the end of the dream... There were dead people in there somewhere but I have no idea exactly where it fit in the timeline.)
First Dream:
My friend and I, along with some people from church, were at Bodega Bay. We were walking along, and we came to a small intersection. The intersection was upside-down Y shaped. One road went down to the right, while the road we were on (bottom left) ended at the intersection. It is important to note that there aren't a lot of intersections in the area. It was cloudy, and starting to get dark. Several cars passed by from the top part of the road. One of them was a very expensive, blue BMW. My friend and I talked about the cars that passed, both good and bad. But right after we talked about the BMW, we saw the exact same one (with headlights on) pass by in the exact same way. We thought that was weird, but we took that opportunity to talk more about the car. Then it passed by again. I didn't tell anyone, but I knew that it was the exact same car, and it only passed by us when we were saying something bad about it. I knew it was impossible for the car to come around that quickly, so I tested it. I said something nice about the car. Then I waited. No car. Then I said something bad about the car. The car appeared. The really weird thing was that not only was it the exact same car, but it came in the exact same fashion, with the exact same sounds, being on exactly the same part of the road, and even the glare in the headlights were exactly the same. It was like I was rewatching a clip from a movie. After that, my friend finally caught on. So we tested it again. The car came around, and this time I looked closely. There was no driver.
Second Dream:
I was with my church at the summer retreat. I must have overheard some type of conversation, or saw something I shouldn't have because as we were leaving, the youth pastor came up to me and told me that There is a high chance I'm being stalked, so rather than take my car (which could be tracked) or walk home from a short-cut bus route, I should take the bart and the bus directly home. (Apparently I did not live where I currently live in the dream. I lived on some part of San Pablo Ave.) I thought it was strange. Why would I be stalked? Can't I just confront the person? But thinking about the strange whispers I had heard and the pastor's shaky voice, I decided I would take the bart and the bus home. I made sure absolutely no one was following me. No one that got off the bart went on the bus with me, and the only people that got on the bus with me was this homeless guy who was already at the bus stop and one of the guys from the praise team at the retreat. I get on the bus, but the bus misses my stop. The bus speeds up. I get up so I could talk to the driver, but the bus driver turns to look at me. He had a mask and a gun pointed in my direction. It really freaked me out. What was going on? This is way more than just stalking. This guy knew where I was going, where I lived, and planned things out in advance, which meant he was working with other people. I was somehow involved in something serious, but I had no clue what it was. I turned around, and saw the homeless guy sleeping in the back corner of the bus, but the other guy was nowhere to be seen. I thought maybe he was part of it, but apparently he had just been hiding behind a seat because he jumped out, somehow threw the driver out of the bus, and took control of the bus. While he was driving, we discussed about what we should do. Should he turn the bus around and drive me back home? No, it was too risky. They had obviously planned this, which meant they had a bus tracker and they know where I live. There was a high chance that if I went home, I would die. But the driver had obviously only targeted me, and not him, so it would be safer to find a route to his place. We decided to keep driving on the bus route. At one of the stops we jumped out and we made a run for it, up a tall foresty hill, waited for some time, and got on a different bus back to his place. (That was the end of the dream... There were dead people in there somewhere but I have no idea exactly where it fit in the timeline.)
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Bored
No more depression. It's been gone for about a month now. No thoughts of suicide. I have motivation to move around, go to work, etc. But the constant boredom due to my personality has come around instead. Going to work everyday is terribly boring. It's the same work over and over. I don't care that I'm getting paid well or that it's an important job for the department. It doesn't excite me. I like being put in a position where I have to constantly be on my feet, thinking through things, adapting to incoming situations. Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't engage in any major criminal activities when I was younger. (Stealing from stores and being around illegal drug activity are minor offenses, although it did get my heart racing a little.) Sometimes I wonder if I'm just an adrenaline junkie. I like rock climbing and bouldering. Climbing buildings can be fun. Looking over cliffs with my toes on the edge... I would love to go hang-gliding, skydiving, and bungee-jumping, but I don't have any money for that. So in the meantime, until I can find something fun to do, here I go, back to work. Ugh.
Late Bloomer
I was a really late bloomer. Most girls start puberty at 12 and reach both physical and mental maturity by the age of 16. I didn't start puberty until the age of 16 and I finally reached maturity by the time I was 20. I am therefore lagging behind physically (not sure about mentally... maybe?), and realized that the many comments I get about how I don't look my age directly result from this. I look half a decade younger. But that makes sense. I guess it can be good. I also realize my parents didn't understand this about me which resulted in a lot of trouble for me when I was in high school.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)