The truth is that I am NOT perfect. There are so many things about me that could be fixed. I could be more empathic. I could be more forgiving. I could be more willing to share. I most definitely could be more willing to want to change. In fact, I could be more willing to want to will to want to change. But none of that matters.
Because in God, I am made whole. Everything that I'm lacking, He is there to fill it. Like a Pastor once said, we should embrace our weaknesses, because in our weaknesses, He is there.
So now, washed in the blood of Christ Jesus:
I am Perfect.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Apologizing
One of my close friends has a nephew. He is pretty adorable. It's funny the way he waddles around bumping into everything and tripping and falling over. But he immediately gets back up without crying. Whenever I try to get him to walk towards me, he smiles shyly, and turns and walks the other way, eventually coming back. Like I said, he's adorable.
Yesterday, I'm hanging out with my friend, and he tells me that we need to talk in private. Apparently the father of the cute little boy is upset at me because I told his son something along the lines of 'Walk into the table and hit your head,' just several days ago. My reaction, obviously, was: "Wtf you serious? Maybe you heard wrong." I don't remember several days ago. But I definitely wouldn't want to purposely harm the little kid. I'm thinking to myself that the father heard wrong. It's possible I said 'don't' or 'be careful in case' or something similar before that statement. I was thinking I could approach the father and resolve this matter in a logical, non confrontational way.
So I go back downstairs to talk to him. I start off by telling him what I heard, and apologizing for any confusion that this is causing him. Then I told him that it's possible that he misheard what I said because I think his son is adorable and there's no way I would will him any harm. Unfortunately the father doesn't seem like the logical can be reasoned with type. He tells me that he heard me clearly, he didn't mishear me, and that if I liked his son, why would I say such a thing? Again, I tell him that I wouldn't say such a thing because I liked his son, and that there's a possibility that he misheard me. His eyes go red and he tears up, obviously holding himself back (either from crying or from punching me) and tells me that he didn't hear wrong. I told his son to hit himself on the head. And that I shouldn't say such things. I know by now that there's no reasoning with him, and the only way to end this peacefully is if I give in and apologize. So I told him that I came down here to apologize. That I really do like his son, and there's no way I would ever say anything like that to him, and that I want him to accept my apology. He tells me that I should never say anything like that again. This time I'm holding myself back, and again I apologize. He nods his head turns away. His wife is obviously more understanding and isn't about to burst into tears. I think she accepts my point of view and she tells me that it's fine and I can go.
So there's my story on turning the other cheek. I really dislike it. It's shameful and humiliating. I didn't do anything wrong, why am I not given a chance to clear my name? I held everything back and apologized because I knew that's what I had to do. But it upsets me. Because it's his son, I'm immediately in the wrong. Most people would take his side because he's the loving father. I didn't do anything wrong and suddenly I'm the liar and the hater.
So why did I apologize? I don't really know myself. This is the first time I've ever apologized for being unjustly accused. Before, I would stand up for myself even if no one else would. If the blame did not rest on me then I wasn't willing to take it. But maybe I apologized not because I felt guilty, but because I felt compelled to do so. I guess this is another change I've gone through after getting to know Jesus again.
Yesterday, I'm hanging out with my friend, and he tells me that we need to talk in private. Apparently the father of the cute little boy is upset at me because I told his son something along the lines of 'Walk into the table and hit your head,' just several days ago. My reaction, obviously, was: "Wtf you serious? Maybe you heard wrong." I don't remember several days ago. But I definitely wouldn't want to purposely harm the little kid. I'm thinking to myself that the father heard wrong. It's possible I said 'don't' or 'be careful in case' or something similar before that statement. I was thinking I could approach the father and resolve this matter in a logical, non confrontational way.
So I go back downstairs to talk to him. I start off by telling him what I heard, and apologizing for any confusion that this is causing him. Then I told him that it's possible that he misheard what I said because I think his son is adorable and there's no way I would will him any harm. Unfortunately the father doesn't seem like the logical can be reasoned with type. He tells me that he heard me clearly, he didn't mishear me, and that if I liked his son, why would I say such a thing? Again, I tell him that I wouldn't say such a thing because I liked his son, and that there's a possibility that he misheard me. His eyes go red and he tears up, obviously holding himself back (either from crying or from punching me) and tells me that he didn't hear wrong. I told his son to hit himself on the head. And that I shouldn't say such things. I know by now that there's no reasoning with him, and the only way to end this peacefully is if I give in and apologize. So I told him that I came down here to apologize. That I really do like his son, and there's no way I would ever say anything like that to him, and that I want him to accept my apology. He tells me that I should never say anything like that again. This time I'm holding myself back, and again I apologize. He nods his head turns away. His wife is obviously more understanding and isn't about to burst into tears. I think she accepts my point of view and she tells me that it's fine and I can go.
So there's my story on turning the other cheek. I really dislike it. It's shameful and humiliating. I didn't do anything wrong, why am I not given a chance to clear my name? I held everything back and apologized because I knew that's what I had to do. But it upsets me. Because it's his son, I'm immediately in the wrong. Most people would take his side because he's the loving father. I didn't do anything wrong and suddenly I'm the liar and the hater.
So why did I apologize? I don't really know myself. This is the first time I've ever apologized for being unjustly accused. Before, I would stand up for myself even if no one else would. If the blame did not rest on me then I wasn't willing to take it. But maybe I apologized not because I felt guilty, but because I felt compelled to do so. I guess this is another change I've gone through after getting to know Jesus again.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
We Love God?
Let me start off with saying that I'm an INTJ. I have difficulties letting emotions process and if they ever come up I try to suppress them. Being filled with any strong emotion, be it sadness, happiness, etc, is almost like being drunk. I feel lightheaded, and I start doing things outside of my control. I like being clearheaded, clear minded, and I don't mind sacrificing what I feel that I want over what I know that I need. Sacrifices can include things such as movies, books, etc, but can also include people. In other words, cutting off ties with people is no problem for me. Although I tend to linger on such people because of my useless emotions, once I cut off a tie, it gets pretty well cut off. Of course, every once in a while, my thinking side gets worn out and my feeling side takes over... which I wish wouldn't happen.
So imagine how I felt when I see the guy I love through the window of the BART train I was in as it was leaving. (Not that I want to be with him or anything. I may have feelings for him, but pursuing him is something I will not do.) I haven't seen him in over half a year, much less talk to him. I did end up sending a text and an email, but like I said, stupid feeling side. My chest started to hurt, and I of course tried to suppress it. For me, it is unfortunate that I cannot choose who I love and who I don't. I don't like how being in love makes you slightly irrational. I don't like how my mind wanders off to thinking about him, and I definitely don't like how my heart hurts whenever I try to suppress these emotions. Then a couple days later, the same thing happens. I'm on BART, and through my window I see him. Granted, it may not have been him at all. It most certainly may have been my mind wanting to think that I was seeing him. But anyways, according to my eyes and my brain, I saw him. And I was wishing that I hadn't.
Then I started to think, how do I love God? Am I loving God with the type of love that I can turn on and off at will? Shouldn't I be loving God to the point of irrationality, the way God gave up everything to love us? Shouldn't I love God to the point where He's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I sleep? Shouldn't I love Him to the point where I can't wait to talk to Him and hear His voice? Shouldn't I love Him so much that I can't wait until the day that I get to seem Him in person? What's the point of singing about love if I don't feel it? Instead of trying to suppress these feelings of love, I should embrace them. So what if I get sad because I don't see this guy? By embracing these ridiculous feelings of love, I can learn even more what it is to be in love with God.
So imagine how I felt when I see the guy I love through the window of the BART train I was in as it was leaving. (Not that I want to be with him or anything. I may have feelings for him, but pursuing him is something I will not do.) I haven't seen him in over half a year, much less talk to him. I did end up sending a text and an email, but like I said, stupid feeling side. My chest started to hurt, and I of course tried to suppress it. For me, it is unfortunate that I cannot choose who I love and who I don't. I don't like how being in love makes you slightly irrational. I don't like how my mind wanders off to thinking about him, and I definitely don't like how my heart hurts whenever I try to suppress these emotions. Then a couple days later, the same thing happens. I'm on BART, and through my window I see him. Granted, it may not have been him at all. It most certainly may have been my mind wanting to think that I was seeing him. But anyways, according to my eyes and my brain, I saw him. And I was wishing that I hadn't.
Then I started to think, how do I love God? Am I loving God with the type of love that I can turn on and off at will? Shouldn't I be loving God to the point of irrationality, the way God gave up everything to love us? Shouldn't I love God to the point where He's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I sleep? Shouldn't I love Him to the point where I can't wait to talk to Him and hear His voice? Shouldn't I love Him so much that I can't wait until the day that I get to seem Him in person? What's the point of singing about love if I don't feel it? Instead of trying to suppress these feelings of love, I should embrace them. So what if I get sad because I don't see this guy? By embracing these ridiculous feelings of love, I can learn even more what it is to be in love with God.
Giving Up
This post actually semi-goes along with the Horizon Retreat post.
One thing that I grew up with is the idea that I have to become someone important. It's an idea that's been instilled in me since forever. I have to become important. I have to get rich. I have to become powerful. So my entire life was riding around that central theme of having a great career. And when that career never happened, I become lost, devastated, and no one was helping me. I was doing everything I can to do something. I even enrolled for a M.A. in Teaching at USC. (Which also didn't pan out. I quit because of the stress and anxiety that was going on in my life.) But March happened. And I became renewed through Jesus Christ. After being okay with who I am and where I am in life, God gave me a path to follow. It was a wonderful blessing to me. I started becoming slightly obsessed with it to the point where I was idolizing that path instead of God.
What? How can that be possible? Isn't that the same thing? is what I've always thought. If you follow God, you're following the path that he's given you. But through Horizon, one thing I came to realize is that you can idolize many things. Money, career, even family, and the scariest thing of all is idolizing your God-given ministry. And that was what I was starting to do.
On Sunday, we were going over the story of Abraham, and how he had to sacrifice his son Isaac. Isaac wasn't just an only son to Abraham. Isaac was the embodiment of the future that God had promised Abraham, the future that Abraham was waiting for his entire life. God had promised Abraham as many descendants as the stars through his son Isaac, and God had asked him to sacrifice that promise, that dream, through his son. And he was willing to do it. So I asked my students what their dreams were, what their goals in life were. One of them said she wanted to study criminology. Then I asked her, "What if God told you to give up the dream of even going to college?" Her eyes grew big and her cheeks grew red and she exclaimed, "No! No way! I can't do that!!" And I guess that was what it was like for Abraham. And that was what it was like for me.
So during the Horizon retreat, the first thing I was able to lay down was my dreams of my own personal 'success.' Even though I was trying to follow God's plan in my life, I was able to sacrifice even having a plan for my life at all. It's a constant sacrifice for me. Every time I go to work, I want to do something better. Every time I go back to my apartment, I want to live somewhere else. Everyone I pay my bills I want to make more money. But I have to remember, that my life is just a life on earth. It's only a wink of an eye in God's eternity. I'm living my life for Him now, not for myself.
One thing that I grew up with is the idea that I have to become someone important. It's an idea that's been instilled in me since forever. I have to become important. I have to get rich. I have to become powerful. So my entire life was riding around that central theme of having a great career. And when that career never happened, I become lost, devastated, and no one was helping me. I was doing everything I can to do something. I even enrolled for a M.A. in Teaching at USC. (Which also didn't pan out. I quit because of the stress and anxiety that was going on in my life.) But March happened. And I became renewed through Jesus Christ. After being okay with who I am and where I am in life, God gave me a path to follow. It was a wonderful blessing to me. I started becoming slightly obsessed with it to the point where I was idolizing that path instead of God.
What? How can that be possible? Isn't that the same thing? is what I've always thought. If you follow God, you're following the path that he's given you. But through Horizon, one thing I came to realize is that you can idolize many things. Money, career, even family, and the scariest thing of all is idolizing your God-given ministry. And that was what I was starting to do.
On Sunday, we were going over the story of Abraham, and how he had to sacrifice his son Isaac. Isaac wasn't just an only son to Abraham. Isaac was the embodiment of the future that God had promised Abraham, the future that Abraham was waiting for his entire life. God had promised Abraham as many descendants as the stars through his son Isaac, and God had asked him to sacrifice that promise, that dream, through his son. And he was willing to do it. So I asked my students what their dreams were, what their goals in life were. One of them said she wanted to study criminology. Then I asked her, "What if God told you to give up the dream of even going to college?" Her eyes grew big and her cheeks grew red and she exclaimed, "No! No way! I can't do that!!" And I guess that was what it was like for Abraham. And that was what it was like for me.
So during the Horizon retreat, the first thing I was able to lay down was my dreams of my own personal 'success.' Even though I was trying to follow God's plan in my life, I was able to sacrifice even having a plan for my life at all. It's a constant sacrifice for me. Every time I go to work, I want to do something better. Every time I go back to my apartment, I want to live somewhere else. Everyone I pay my bills I want to make more money. But I have to remember, that my life is just a life on earth. It's only a wink of an eye in God's eternity. I'm living my life for Him now, not for myself.
Horizon Retreat
It's been an extremely long time since my last entry. About a month, I'd say. Since then, a lot has been going on. I've been extremely busy, even at work, and have not had time to sit down and think about what I'm going to write up. But as time passes, there are more and more things that I need to post, so here I am, sitting down, not actually working, and catching up.
So the Horizon Retreat...
The last retreat that I went to was A2BAYLA. It was in the summer after 11th grade (I think). I have to say, though, it wasn't that good. All in all, my youth retreats weren't a very good experience. The only one that I liked was the A2BAYLA in 10th grade. It was the one where I had first felt the truth of God's love for us. I was really looking forward to what the Horizon retreat was going to be like. I was hoping, now that I'm growing in Christ, that it would be very different from the retreats that I've been to before. I knew though, that if it was going to be like anything I experienced in middle and elementary school, I wouldn't ever go again. But I heard a lot of good things about it. Also, the youth kids at my church are so deep in Christ, that I had some pretty high expectations. I couldn't go as a student (though that would be wonderful) but I could go as either a volunteer or a counselor. Because of my need of sleep, I went as a counselor. All of the volunteers pulled all-nighters, and unfortunately, my body can't really handle lack of sleep well.
So a breakdown:
Expectations
Past Experience (Elementary and Middle School)
Past Experience (10th grade)
What Actually Happened
Next Year
My Expectations:
I wanted to be a good counselor, but I was expecting that the students wouldn't really listen to or respect me. I was expecting the kids to be there for the fun of hanging out. I was expecting that I had a lot of responsibility that I probably couldn't handle. I was expecting a communication barrier between me and the kids. I was expecting a group of around 15 kids to handle. Honestly, I was expecting a lot of disappointment. However, I was still hoping that God would somehow handle everything and that everything would turn out ok. Fortunately, God was there to handle everything, and everything turned out better than I could have imagined.
Past Experience in Elementary and Middle School
I've been to retreats before. There was rock climbing, carpetball, swimming, etc. I went to the retreats because my parents were actually ok with me going, and all I had to do was just have fun for a week. Usually during the summer, I had summer school, but the retreat was a time when I actually had a vacation. Unfortunately most of the retreats I went to were extremely charismatic. During the last services, people were falling down supposedly touched by the Holy Spirit, everyone was babbling in tongue, and there would be other ridiculous 'displays' of God touching someone. Of course, now that I'm older, I see it very differently. At the time, I thought most of it was real. That if the Holy Spirit really did reside in you, you had to speak in tongue, and you would most definitely fall down and have seizures. It was the way that I was taught. One of my former pastors told me to pray for the gift of tongue, because that meant that I had the Holy Spirit in me. The pastors prayed in tongue when praying over us, and all the adults in the church would pray in tongue during prayer time. During the retreats, I was envious of those that were supposedly touched. I wanted to fall down like they did. I wanted to show how I was God's child, too. So on that last night, when all the pastors in the front were toppling everyone over, I went in line. So one of the pastors prayed for me. Something about how God should touch this girl and then babbling. I closed my eyes and wished real hard. I didn't feel anything, and so I wanted to leave, but he was grabbing on to me and had his hand on my forehead so hard it was almost as if he was pushing me. So I gave in. I pretended that I was touched, and I fell backwards. (There was even a team of people catching the students as they all fell.) They laid me down somewhere, and I kept my eyes closed for about 5 minutes before I got up. As I looked around, I realized that I wasn't the only one faking it. There were two guys that got up next to me and told each other, "Hey that was fun. Let's do it again." I noticed another girl looking around like I was. I felt ashamed. I went to hide behind the stage, and saw that there were others there, too. They were just hanging out, not getting involved, and I joined them. It was mostly due to this retreat that I started ditching worships and such and only went to retreats for the fun.
Past Experience in 10th Grade
So we got a new youth pastor after the old one left. I was in the habit of skipping sermons and worship, and only joined everyone else to eat. But this new pastor wasn't as boring, so I stopped skipping. The retreat to me seemed the same as any other retreat. I don't remember if I wanted to go or if my mom was forcing me to go. But anyways, I was looking forward to the swimming pool. I was hoping they had rock climbing, or something similar. It was boring. Terribly boring. The only thing I had going for me was the swimming pool. I don't remember anything else except the swimming pool and that one part of the sermon that changed me. It had to do with God's love for us, and for the very first time, I really felt it. God really loved me, so much more than anyone in my life ever had. I felt something go through me, and I felt warm and embraced. It was then I realized that being with God and His love had nothing to do with outward displays, such as falling over or speaking in tongue. Of course, I didn't completely change right away, but my perspective did change. I stopped skipping out on church, and many things I did afterwards, I did to try and feel that love again. Unfortunately, it wasn't until March of this year that I felt it. But what happened after that 10th grade is for some other time. So overall, I came to know that God was real and not just imagined. That Christianity was not some big hoax.
What Actually Happened in Horizon
I feel that a lot of people, including me, would go to such a retreat for the extreme emotional highs you can get. I remember from before how people would cry, jump, and get all sorts of excited. This time, however, that wasn't the case. In fact, they didn't do a whole bunch of manipulation of music and lights and a pastor shouting at the top of his lungs to get people to feel something. Basically, there was no emotional high. But there was a spiritual high. It was the first spiritual high I've ever felt. God's presence truly was in that place. It filled that place and overflowed to the point where the volunteers (who weren't even at the worship at times) could feel the presence. I could feel the Holy Spirit's warmth covering me and filling me up, and pouring out of me when I was praying for my kids. It was amazing. My kids were really touched, too. They also told me how they felt the presence of God, and they all opened up to tell me some pretty intimate things. (I only had 7 kids, yay) I know that I wasn't a very good counselor and I could have done a lot more for them, but they told me that I was doing a good job, and I was just so glad that they could be blessed through me. The retreat was so covered in the presence of God that from the get-go I was able to start laying down the parts of my life I was holding on to. All my weaknesses God was filling up. I was able to refocus my attention on God, and was reminded to trust God no matter what. Outside the retreat, it's difficult to focus and difficult to remember. But ever since March, I've made up my mind to follow Jesus no matter where he leads me, and Horizon was just a big event to remind me. Here I am now, still following God. I stopped chasing after my dreams and started chasing after His, and all God has done was bless me.
Next Year
This year I was a counselor, not because I wanted to help the kids necessarily, but more because I wanted to be able to sleep during the retreat. Next year, I'm planning on sacrificing my precious sleep hours to benefit the people at the retreat and be a volunteer. It's because of the sacrificing my sleep part. Things that are difficult to give up for me could be watching dramas, internet in general, etc. But one thing that I won't part with, even for my sisters, is sleep. So next year, I'm going to try, and hopefully my body won't go crazy and spew blood everywhere and collapse. If it starts doing that, I can just catch up on sleep and get other people to cover for me so it won't be too big of a problem. We'll see.
So the Horizon Retreat...
The last retreat that I went to was A2BAYLA. It was in the summer after 11th grade (I think). I have to say, though, it wasn't that good. All in all, my youth retreats weren't a very good experience. The only one that I liked was the A2BAYLA in 10th grade. It was the one where I had first felt the truth of God's love for us. I was really looking forward to what the Horizon retreat was going to be like. I was hoping, now that I'm growing in Christ, that it would be very different from the retreats that I've been to before. I knew though, that if it was going to be like anything I experienced in middle and elementary school, I wouldn't ever go again. But I heard a lot of good things about it. Also, the youth kids at my church are so deep in Christ, that I had some pretty high expectations. I couldn't go as a student (though that would be wonderful) but I could go as either a volunteer or a counselor. Because of my need of sleep, I went as a counselor. All of the volunteers pulled all-nighters, and unfortunately, my body can't really handle lack of sleep well.
So a breakdown:
Expectations
Past Experience (Elementary and Middle School)
Past Experience (10th grade)
What Actually Happened
Next Year
My Expectations:
I wanted to be a good counselor, but I was expecting that the students wouldn't really listen to or respect me. I was expecting the kids to be there for the fun of hanging out. I was expecting that I had a lot of responsibility that I probably couldn't handle. I was expecting a communication barrier between me and the kids. I was expecting a group of around 15 kids to handle. Honestly, I was expecting a lot of disappointment. However, I was still hoping that God would somehow handle everything and that everything would turn out ok. Fortunately, God was there to handle everything, and everything turned out better than I could have imagined.
Past Experience in Elementary and Middle School
I've been to retreats before. There was rock climbing, carpetball, swimming, etc. I went to the retreats because my parents were actually ok with me going, and all I had to do was just have fun for a week. Usually during the summer, I had summer school, but the retreat was a time when I actually had a vacation. Unfortunately most of the retreats I went to were extremely charismatic. During the last services, people were falling down supposedly touched by the Holy Spirit, everyone was babbling in tongue, and there would be other ridiculous 'displays' of God touching someone. Of course, now that I'm older, I see it very differently. At the time, I thought most of it was real. That if the Holy Spirit really did reside in you, you had to speak in tongue, and you would most definitely fall down and have seizures. It was the way that I was taught. One of my former pastors told me to pray for the gift of tongue, because that meant that I had the Holy Spirit in me. The pastors prayed in tongue when praying over us, and all the adults in the church would pray in tongue during prayer time. During the retreats, I was envious of those that were supposedly touched. I wanted to fall down like they did. I wanted to show how I was God's child, too. So on that last night, when all the pastors in the front were toppling everyone over, I went in line. So one of the pastors prayed for me. Something about how God should touch this girl and then babbling. I closed my eyes and wished real hard. I didn't feel anything, and so I wanted to leave, but he was grabbing on to me and had his hand on my forehead so hard it was almost as if he was pushing me. So I gave in. I pretended that I was touched, and I fell backwards. (There was even a team of people catching the students as they all fell.) They laid me down somewhere, and I kept my eyes closed for about 5 minutes before I got up. As I looked around, I realized that I wasn't the only one faking it. There were two guys that got up next to me and told each other, "Hey that was fun. Let's do it again." I noticed another girl looking around like I was. I felt ashamed. I went to hide behind the stage, and saw that there were others there, too. They were just hanging out, not getting involved, and I joined them. It was mostly due to this retreat that I started ditching worships and such and only went to retreats for the fun.
Past Experience in 10th Grade
So we got a new youth pastor after the old one left. I was in the habit of skipping sermons and worship, and only joined everyone else to eat. But this new pastor wasn't as boring, so I stopped skipping. The retreat to me seemed the same as any other retreat. I don't remember if I wanted to go or if my mom was forcing me to go. But anyways, I was looking forward to the swimming pool. I was hoping they had rock climbing, or something similar. It was boring. Terribly boring. The only thing I had going for me was the swimming pool. I don't remember anything else except the swimming pool and that one part of the sermon that changed me. It had to do with God's love for us, and for the very first time, I really felt it. God really loved me, so much more than anyone in my life ever had. I felt something go through me, and I felt warm and embraced. It was then I realized that being with God and His love had nothing to do with outward displays, such as falling over or speaking in tongue. Of course, I didn't completely change right away, but my perspective did change. I stopped skipping out on church, and many things I did afterwards, I did to try and feel that love again. Unfortunately, it wasn't until March of this year that I felt it. But what happened after that 10th grade is for some other time. So overall, I came to know that God was real and not just imagined. That Christianity was not some big hoax.
What Actually Happened in Horizon
I feel that a lot of people, including me, would go to such a retreat for the extreme emotional highs you can get. I remember from before how people would cry, jump, and get all sorts of excited. This time, however, that wasn't the case. In fact, they didn't do a whole bunch of manipulation of music and lights and a pastor shouting at the top of his lungs to get people to feel something. Basically, there was no emotional high. But there was a spiritual high. It was the first spiritual high I've ever felt. God's presence truly was in that place. It filled that place and overflowed to the point where the volunteers (who weren't even at the worship at times) could feel the presence. I could feel the Holy Spirit's warmth covering me and filling me up, and pouring out of me when I was praying for my kids. It was amazing. My kids were really touched, too. They also told me how they felt the presence of God, and they all opened up to tell me some pretty intimate things. (I only had 7 kids, yay) I know that I wasn't a very good counselor and I could have done a lot more for them, but they told me that I was doing a good job, and I was just so glad that they could be blessed through me. The retreat was so covered in the presence of God that from the get-go I was able to start laying down the parts of my life I was holding on to. All my weaknesses God was filling up. I was able to refocus my attention on God, and was reminded to trust God no matter what. Outside the retreat, it's difficult to focus and difficult to remember. But ever since March, I've made up my mind to follow Jesus no matter where he leads me, and Horizon was just a big event to remind me. Here I am now, still following God. I stopped chasing after my dreams and started chasing after His, and all God has done was bless me.
Next Year
This year I was a counselor, not because I wanted to help the kids necessarily, but more because I wanted to be able to sleep during the retreat. Next year, I'm planning on sacrificing my precious sleep hours to benefit the people at the retreat and be a volunteer. It's because of the sacrificing my sleep part. Things that are difficult to give up for me could be watching dramas, internet in general, etc. But one thing that I won't part with, even for my sisters, is sleep. So next year, I'm going to try, and hopefully my body won't go crazy and spew blood everywhere and collapse. If it starts doing that, I can just catch up on sleep and get other people to cover for me so it won't be too big of a problem. We'll see.
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