God Loves Me

The idea that God loves me has really hit me several times throughout my life.  About now is another time in my life where that idea is sinking in, and how crazy it is that God really does love me.

First off, this is GOD that is loving me.  There are many things that we call Him.  Often, we think of God as our friend, our father, and a savior.  But He is much more than that.  He is our creator.  He made us.  He can control every aspect of our lives: every motion we make, every breath that we breathe.  When I was flying to and from Texas, I made sure to get every window seat.  When I looked down, I could see small specks which turned out to be houses and other buildings.  I couldn't even make out the cars until we were closer to the ground, and each car was about the size of a speck of dust.  Inside a car could fit up to five people, which meant that the people were so small that I wouldn't be able to see them.  People.  Humans.  We're so tiny compared to everything else.  And God created the whole universe.  He holds Earth in the palm of His hands.  Yet he sees each and every one of us.  He knows every grain in the sand and every hair on our heads.

Second, God LOVES me.  This almighty, all powerful God took a human form.  A tiny, insignificant, limited human form in order to be with us.  That is how much God loves us.

Lastly, God love ME.  Of all the people in this world, He chooses me to be a part of His family.  He chooses me to show the world who He is.  Me, a broken and abused, little girl from an impoverished family.  Me, someone that kept straying from God's love and chose to integrate herself into a world of hate, anger, and depression.  Yet through it all, through all my troubles and wanderings, through all my disobedience, God kept on calling out to me.  He never faltered in showing me His love.  After all I've done, God constantly reached out His hand, always giving me another chance to go back to Him.  Because He loved me.


But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children   Psalm 103:17 (NIV)

We love because he first loved us.   1 John 4:19 (NIV)

I will never forget God's abundant love and grace He has for me.  In fact, it's why I started blogging in the first place.  To remember the works that He's done in my life so that I may never forget.


On a side note:

While I was on the plane looking down, it also hit me that God really did make us in His image.  I've known that, obviously.  But the extent to how much.in His image never really hit me.  Not only are we alike in God' image through our ability to love, show compassion, and discern right from wrong, but we are alike in His image in our ability to create.  God is a creator.  He designed Earth and every part of its natural beauty.  While I was several thousand feet up in the air, I couldn't see humans.  I couldn't even see the cars or the houses.  But I could see everything else that we made.  Humans made objects that could escape the pull of Earth and observe worlds beyond what we can see from here.  Humans made objects that are so large, they're visible from space.  There probably couldn't be a place on Earth that humans cannot transform.  Yet these humans that can rebuild the Earth into anything they want, are so small, they're smaller than a speck of dust when viewed from within the Earth's atmosphere.


Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.   Psalm 103:1 (NIV)

Impatient Drivers

I'm not talking about those drivers that weave in and out of traffic.  I'm one of them.  Personally, I think it's okay if you cut off people, as long as you're doing it safely.  Are you going 20mph faster than everyone else?  As long as you're doing it safely.

What I mean when I say 'impatient drivers':
I was walking across the street.  The light went green and the walk sign went on, and so I started to walk across.  I'm not a slow walker.  I go on average 3mph when I'm just strolling along.  I got to the middle of the street, and the car that wanted to make a right turn honked at me.  I freaked out, and stood frozen, staring at her.  She started yelling at me and waving at me to move faster.  She might have been cussing me off, but I wouldn't know because her window was down.

Yeah...  I don't like impatient drivers.  If she just woke up a couple minutes sooner and got in her car a couple minutes earlier, she wouldn't have had to deal with me.

God Will Make a Way

I'm stressing.  I'm worried.  I feel like I'm at an impasse.  I don't know what to do.  There are so many troubles in front of me I can't get past.


God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today

- Don Moen

God is With Me

Always.

God is with me always.

So yesterday was the really long interview where I had to do my teaching sample, redo my teaching sample, and then have a personal interview, all which took a total of four hours.

Let's start my story with when I got off the plane. I went to the rental car place. I had a good 10% left on my battery. The phone wont turn off until it's around 3%. However, as soon as I got out of the rental place, my phone died. The roads led straight to highways. I knew I had to get out to either a McDonald's or a Burger King so I could charge my phone so I could have directions to my motel.

The streets in Dallas are crazy. There are seriously like 20 highways and freeways that all intersect. It's like a maze of streets going everywhere. On top of that, the signs aren't clear and the roads aren't organized. It's not like in the Bay Area where u don't always need a GPS to find where you're going. Here, on the way back to the airport, even with my GPS on the whole way, I got lost three times. Every half mile to a mile, the highway would split into two, sometimes three or four highways, and two or three would merge. On top of the weird roads, there was construction going on everywhere so a lot of exits were closed. Unlike the highways in the Bay Area, there were no gas and food stop signs. Only highway signs. Only when the highways split, too. So I was obviously lost and unable to locate a fast food place. After a good 15 minutes of panicking and praying, I got off the next stop.

What I saw next was a sign from God. It was an In-N-Out. How is an In-N-Out a sign from God? Well, first of all, In-N-Out is the ONLY franchise I know that is Christian owned. Second, the entrance to the In-N-Out was in the middle of the exit ramp. Yes, in the middle. I didn't exit, then made a quick right to the nearest restaurant. I exited, but before I reached a road I had to slam the brakes because the In-N-Out entrance was right there. Lastly, I didn't know In-N-Out's even existed out of California. In-N-Out is a California thing. So I asked, and that particular restaurant was just built. Within the last year. It was the first one in Texas.

Basically, it was God's way of showing me that He was with me. The whole way.

I'm normally not really scared of anything. Besides spiders, insects, and worms. But after a minute of screaming I will man up and kill it. But when it comes to life stuff, I'm not afraid. I get nervous, I panic, I get depressed, and I get angry. But I'm never scared. Not even of my dad when he gets angry. Even in my 15 minutes of panicking, I wasn't scared. Just panicked. But now I found something I'm actually afraid of. I'm afraid of God's abandonment. I'm afraid of being in a place where he will not reach out to me. But as a child of God, He promises to always be with me. I can take comfort in that.

Lesson Plan

For the interview, I have to present a short 5-minute lesson plan.

My lesson plan:  Finding area of a circle through this:

1.  Cut the circle into 8 segments
2.  Arrange them into a parallelogram shape

Area of a parallelogram = (base)(height)
Using the pieces of the circle, base = half of circumference and height = radius
So substituting it in, you get pi * r^2
Yay.

So for the presentation part, I'm pre-cutting out the circles I made yesterday, so all the 'students' (the interview panel) get to cut the circle and arrange it and whatnot, and using different colored markers, I will show, on the board with my larger pieces, how to find the formula.

This would be an actual lesson plan I would do if I were actually teaching.  The rest of the class would involve classwork time with handouts and whatnot.

Compassion

For the last several weeks, I've been hearing the same thing in the sermons at church and the ones I listen to online.  Of course, the pastors are speaking of different things every week, but by the time it hits my ears, they all have changed into the same message:  I need more compassion for others.

I've mentioned that this is one of the most difficult things I've been working on in my 'Hypocrisy' post, and through my last post, you can tell why.  I know it's something that I really need, but when I pray for the gift of compassion, I only do so half-heartedly.  It's not that I don't want to...  It's just that...  well...  I don't want to.  There are certain traits in people that I admire, and if there are people that I know that don't have these traits, then I find it hard to like them, and even harder to be compassionate.

I do try, though, as I've shown in the 'Do what you can when you can' post.  I've made significant improvement when I look at myself, too.  Honestly, I've never prayed for anyone besides me until the middle of March.  That's when I started praying that God give me compassion for the people around me.  Now I actually have a list of people that I care about and that I pray for.  The list is very small and quite short, and for the first time, my family members have made it to that list.

So here's the list:
My four family members
A couple people from my life group
The seniors graduating from the youth group (four)
The youth pastor

Yes, it's a very short list of people, and even my best friends have not made it on there.  But I really find it hard to pray when I'm not being sincere about wishing these other people well and praying that they will live their lives to benefit God.  For example, the people who were injured in the bombing don't even come up in my mind when praying.

So my prayer is that I be more compassionate towards others around me.  That I'll have a heart for them so that I can pray for them.  And also that God open up my mind and heart to be willing to change to be more compassionate.

Hi, I'm a Sociopath

Here is something that I've known about myself for an extremely long time, but I've never told anyone.  Ever.  Yet here I am posting it on this blog.  The point of this blog was to be completely honest with myself.  So far I have been.  And I will continue to be.

I have anti-social personality disorder (ASPD), or a less derogatory way of saying 'sociopathy'.  Please note, sociopathy is not the same as psychopathy.  Psychopathy refer to people that are sociopaths but they go on rampages murdering and whatnot.

The media likes to portray sociopaths as people who constantly try to con others, people who lie, cheat, steal, or just not real people at all.  People without feelings, etc.  That is not at all true, and through a lot of internet searching (a couple weeks worth, for a couple hours everyday), I finally found something that would describe me 100%:



"Let me tell you what it's like being a sociopath:
When a sociopath takes a loss they get angry, not depressed and regretful. They turn their anger outwards towards other people. They blame other people. Sometimes they deflect blame on others on purpose, sometimes they do it subconsciously. Even making a conscious effort to be accountable is a difficult exercise.

When you see the world as a sociopath your life is the most important thing in the world. You feel like you are chosen. You feel like you have a destiny, even when you’re rotting in you’re cell. Even when you’re broke. Especially when you’re not.

With people, you feel entitled to their respect and devotion. You get told how great you are every time you go places, and you don’t need to because you felt great waking up. Because you have so much confidence, other people who look up to you are weak. They are like mystery bags. If something you want is inside, you take it. If its nothing of use, you discard it.

You find it hard to not objectify people, however it's important so you just try with a few people that understand who you are. All the rest of the people who don’t understand you are fools to you.

People are behavioral patterns with few motives. Within minutes of meeting people they find it easy to talk to you and people love talking about themselves. They betray themselves with boasts, name dropping, family history, marital problems, money problems, insecurities, sorry's, excuse me's, is this ok's, and the list goes on. When you see people more and more they become the same. Walking duplicates of each other. Walking tools to be used. Never in your mind did they exist till you found a purpose for them. When that purpose ends they cease to exist.

Noticing peoples body language, mannerisms, insecurities, and behavioral patterns is subconscious. You know how to make people happy and you know how to tear them to pieces. You know who’s a mark and you know who’s schemer. You know a traitor before they know they’ll betray you. People will find you terrible for what you do to the innocent, because only you know they are going to be guilty.

You can make someone feel like they've never met somebody like you in their life, and they haven’t. You know all their insecurities and you fulfill them. They become dependent upon you, because of it. They start feeling empty without you. They get captured in the moment. They feel that this is it, and they are ready to run away forever with you. Sometimes the feeling isn't reciprocal. Sometimes it is.

You don’t respect authority, because you are the authority. You always have ideas on how to run things better. It makes you ambitious  So ambitious  you will do whatever it takes to rise. Sometimes it involves breaking rules, laws, social standards, people and anything else you find unimportant.

Sociopaths are thought to have no morals. You have morals. Interchangeable morals, that you use to justify your actions. A sociopath is a pillar of his own justice. When people violate your sense of justice you feel entitled to ruin them.

Lastly you are always winning. When you lose you win. You live in that delusion until you make it a reality."
(by Ukran, http://sociopathology.org/2013/04/16/sociopathworld/)


But God is good.  He used my sense of purpose to give me a purpose.  He used my ambition to help me overcome trials and tribulations.  He used my sense of authority in a way that is pleasing to Him.  He replaced my original sense of morals to match His.  God can use anyone that is open and willing.  Praise the Lord for His good works.

Thank You, Mom and Dad

I know I've had a very speckled past, full of grief, misery, and wrongdoings.  My parents weren't the best of people, and definitely weren't great parents.  But there are many things that I'm thankful for.

First off, I know that I remember more of the bad things that happened than the good things.  So here are some of the good things that I'm trying to remember:

1.  They bought me a piano.  And piano's are expensive, and they bought a pretty good cheap one.  Even though I didn't really like playing the piano, and I was kinda forced into playing it, the fact that they spent that much money on me says something.

2.  They sent me to private school for four years, from K to 3rd grade.  Of course, this was was when they had enough money to send their only daughter to private school.  After my sister was born, it was straight to public school for me.  I hated the school.  The teachers were indifferent, the kids were indifferent, and everyone was so self-righteous.  (It was a Catholic school.)  (I did make a friend there.)  But my parents sent me to that school because they didn't want me badly influenced by the public schools around me.  We used to live in the ghettoest parts of Richmond, CA, which is the ghettoest city in the East Bay, which in itself is the ghettoest part of California.

3.  When I did go to public school, and through God's love and grace, I was able to go to one of the best public elementary schools in the district.  My mom actually had to do a small fight with the school to get me in, too.

4.  My dad got me a bike.  And roller skates.  I loved to roller skate, and I would just skate in circles outside our apartment.  My dad's kind of forceful, though, and because, according to him, I wasn't learning the bike fast enough, he took off my training wheels prematurely and scared me into not riding it ever again.  (Until high school)

5.  They got me a lot of stuffed animals.  Of course, most of them were free, and hand-me-downs, or a dollar.  But usually they'd show me several, and I got to pick one that I wanted.

6.  They got me a lot of toys.  Again, free, and hand-me downs, but none of them were old and used.  They were all very new-ish.  They would never give me something old and raggedy.  I got blocks to play with, small toy cars, etc.  One time, and I distinctly remember, they went to Toys R Us, just for me.  I got to pick out a lunchbox (because I hated my pink Barbie lunchbox which was old, smelly, and a hand-me-down).  I don't remember what I picked, but I also remembered they bought me a toy.  Pretty on the expensive side for them, too.  It was a Barbie set, the one that was on TV commercials.  It had a sink, and a shower with a working shower head.  Of course, it came with clothes, and stuff.  I remember the things that I loved most about the toy.  I wondered what Barbie's hair was really made out of.  For the first time, I figured out how velcro worked.  I never figured this out, but I took the set apart trying to figure out how the shower head worked.  You would put water in the sink, press a button, and the water would come out of the shower head.

7.  I never lacked in clothes or in food.  Every once in a while, my mom would bring in a trash-sized bag full of clothes that were donated.  All for me.  I could pick out the stuff I wanted to wear, and discard the ones I didn't want.  It was like shopping, almost.  Of course, after my sisters were born, the amount of clothes I could get for myself shrunk.  And although we didn't have much money, there was always enough food for seconds and thirds, and if I was really hungry, for even more.

8.  They gave me swimming lessons.  For years, they paid for swimming lessons, all the way up through middle school.

9.  They always bought me whatever it was I needed.  Of course, I was honest, and only asked if I really needed it and couldn't get it on my own.  My sister, on the other hand, would yell her head off screaming that she needed everything, whether or not she did need it, and of course my dad bought her everything.  (She's so spoiled.)  Of course, my dad and mom would constantly complain about the lack of money, but if I really did need something, especially for school, I would always get it.

10.  I grew up with my distinctive, rebellious-like, curious, questioning-authority personality, which I admire in myself and admire in others.  Of course, my parents tried to crush, and often beat this out of me, which would do only the exact opposite of what they meant to do.  But without their oppressive Korean nature, I wouldn't be the me that I like.

11.  I have survival skills (which sometimes I wish I didn't need to have).  I know how to get the best quality out of foods are are super cheap.  I know how to budget well-enough to get by on my own.  (Started being financially independent at 19.)  I know how to read legal documents and know how not to unknowingly sign my life away.  (Starting in high school because my parents were tired of trying to read English they didn't understand, so they made me do it.)  I tough things out and push through situations where a lot of other people would break down.  Of course, I do break down from time to time, but compare my life with an average Joe and you'll know what I mean.

12.  Most importantly:  I grew up in a Christian home.  It was a far cry from a decent home, Christian or not.  I grew up in a church where kids bullied more than at school and people got secretly raped BUT, at least I was able to know who Jesus was from the very beginning.  Honestly, it was through my mom that I think our household was blessed more than it should have been.  My dad wasn't a Christian until much later, but if my mom didn't put in her all, and trust in Jesus to pull us through, I don't know what could have become of us.  My life would have been definitely much worse off than it was.

So thank you.  I know you guys weren't the best parents.  In fact, oftentimes you guys weren't even good parents.  But I'm alive.  I can take care of myself.  And I love Jesus.  And that's more than enough.  It doesn't mean I'll stop complaining about my childhood, but thank you.

I Want a Guitar

I really want to buy a guitar and learn how to play.  Just most of the chords and strumming will suffice.  I could easily learn how to play, I think, but the problem is that I don't have a guitar to practice with.  The reason why I want to play the guitar is so I can worship Jesus whenever.  A guitar is an instrument that can be easily carried around, and you can play and sing at the same time.  Also, when you're out on the road, out somewhere without signal or anything, a guitar would be nice to have.  I'm imagining people huddled around a campfire singing worship songs.  Plus, being able to play guitar makes me look cool.

Weird dream on Wednesday night 1/16/13:

The setting was in the show Merlin.  Arthur was still a prince and Morgana took over as a tyrant Queen.  However, I didn’t know who they were really.  As in they weren’t Prince Arthur and Lady Morgana, but they had their faces.

The queen had taken over the country and I was part of the rebellion.  The prince was under her command and was doing what he was told, although he was trying to fight against her, too.  She was taking away everything that was dear to us in our childhood such as our stuffed animals.  One of the scenes I distinctly remember was that the soldiers would tie up our Crayola crayons loosely in a red string and drag it along the floor.  The crayons were very big, or I was very zoomed in.  They passed through everything as if belonging in another dimension and could not be touched or stopped.  As the crayons were being dragged away, all the color in the world went with it.  The goal of the queen was to get rid of anything that would spark creativity, and therefore art was banned.  It was the prince who had led the Crayola seize.  He came back to the hideout and I confronted him about it.  He said he couldn’t have done anything because he was just following orders. I punched him and told him to get his head together.  He was the prince and he could change the command as he wished and he didn’t have to be under her control.  He told me that it was actually a guy named ‘Bourne’ who had come up with the idea to seize the crayons and therefore take color out of the world.  The queen had just laughed and let him do as he pleased.

As a small form of rebellion the prince had brought with him a small cardboard shoebox sized box with plastic wrap covering the open top.  On top of the plastic was written in olive green pesto an exclamation mark and a question mark.  It seemed that the punctuation marks were mostly scraped off since it looked more like a short line and a half-formed hook.  I knew this was very important because one of the marks represented one of the siblings.  It was going to help us win the revolution.  I was going to guess that the exclamation mark represented the prince and the question mark represented the queen as I was waking up.

At some point in the background of this dream I had this urge to give the prince a gift I had wrapped up in a box, although I have no clue what was inside.  I never got around to doing it, but there was some form of urgency because he needed to open my gift before he opened any more.  It was for his birthday.

About the dream:

This was still a time in my life when I felt trapped.  I felt trapped in the place I was living in, the job that I had, etc.  I felt trapped because life wouldn't let me go where I wanted to go.  I had just quit grad school, and it had been just a few months since I ran out of my parent's house.

Prince Arthur represented my childhood.  Along with childhood came imagination, creativity, and the capability of becoming whatever you wanted to be.  Options are still open, happiness could be found everywhere.  The queen represented adulthood.  She took over, and the prince had to choice but to cave in. When we grow up, we find ourselves in places we can't avoid any longer.  Doors have closed on us.  Our infinite possibilities have shrunk immensely.  But not by our choice.  Time does that to us.

At that stage in my life, I was looking for a way out.  And that shoebox represented my freedom.

That odd sensation of giving him a gift was because I really wanted to see this particular guy and had a present in mind and everything.  No, I never got around to giving it to him.  I probably never will.

But thank God that that stage of my life is over.  I do feel free now.  As long as I rely on the hands of God to  be there for me instead of trying to make it out on my own, opportunities just start to open up for me.  Such as the whole teaching thing.  God's gifts are always better than we could imagine.  He just wants us to rely on Him is all.

Future Husband

These are some things that I'm looking for in someone I would like to marry.  It's highly possible I may never because, according to many friends, my standards are way too high.

I've had my fair share of boyfriends, and every time, I find an aspect of a guy that I would need to have in a future husband of mine.

Starting with the standard appearances and background:
-  Must be Asian (preferably Korean because of the culture and food)
-  Preferably taller than me, although same height-ish is okay, too.  A bit shorter is also okay.  Too short, or too tall is weird.  And awkward.  And also painful to the neck region of the body.
-  Preferably good-looking, must be above average.  (Around a 7 of 10 on my scale will do.  It's not the guy's looks I'm worried about, really.  It's my future children's looks.  I want them to be pretty.)

Now we have the important, what's-inside-the-mind-and-heart part:
-  Must be a good Christian, devoted to Jesus above all else.
-  Must be intellectually compatible with me.  I need someone that will be able to hold conversations with me on topics that I'm very interested in, such as Psychology, Chemistry, Physics, modern-day technologies, and philosophy on controversial topics of the modern day and in the Bible.  I don't want to debate with him, I want to have a conversation.  There is a big difference.
-  Must be responsible over himself, his money, his future, and me.  Nowadays, even when people get married, they both expect the other to be responsible solely for themselves.  People often don't understand what it is to be responsible for the other person you're marrying.  He has to be willing to be responsible for me, my actions, and my consequences, and I have to be willing to be responsible for him.  As for the money issue, it doesn't matter if the person does or does not have money now.  If he isn't responsible, he will lose what he has, and if he is responsible, he will earn what he deserves.
-  Must be active and initiative.  I used to have a boyfriend that would love to plan out his future.  He would plan and plan and plan for hours.  His hobby was planning things.  And that was all he had.  I don't plan too much.  There is no need to have more planning than is necessary, because when I plan something out, I take action.  I like to go through with something that I have in mind, and when I decide not to go through with it, or when I can't, I scratch the plan and make another plan which I do go through with.  I need someone more like me and less like my ex who would talk about things he wouldn't dare to try.
-  Must like watching good TV shows.  Watching shows is still a big addiction of mine, and I'm not kicking it any time soon.  I would love to have someone who shares at least a part in this craze of mine.  And I put the word 'good' in there because my idea of 'good TV' doesn't really match the major population.  I'm not modest, so I'll put it out there:  I think it's because most people don't have the intellectual capability of comprehending the majority of the details that go into TV shows.

Almost Caught on Fire

I was drying my hair with my hair dryer.  I just got out of the shower.  The wires in there have been loose for a while.  I have to jiggle it in a particular way and hold down the button in a particular position for it to work. Suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I see a bright orange while I heard a simultaneous 'pop' sound.  I looked at the hair dryer, and there was smoke coming out of it.  I panicked, and put it down.  I have a carpeted floor, by the way, and my laundry basket was nearby.  There was another sudden 'pop' with another burst of orange with even more smoke.  Afraid that my clothes would catch on fire, I decided it was worth burning my finger to turn the hair dryer off.  As I was turning it off, there was another burst and another pop.  But now the hair dryer was off.  And my finger wasn't burnt.

Good news:  My apartment didn't catch on fire.

Bad news:  I don't have a hair dryer anymore.  From the "My Hair" post, you know how obsessed I am about my hair.  I don't have any way to dry it.  I'm quite upset.

Side Note

I want to add a side note that everything that I say in here is completely from me, and are my ideas.  I have not taken them from anybody else, and if I did, I will quote them or make a reference to them somewhere in the post.

Hypocrisy (Post #1)

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle.  That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
- Brennan Manning

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.  I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm -- neither hot nor cold -- I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
- Revelation 3:15-16 (NIV)

The subject of hypocrisy is such a big deal and covers nearly all aspects of our life, so I'm dividing my thoughts on hypocrisy into many smaller posts.  I don't know how many, exactly.

For now, I'm going to focus on the hypocrisy of Christians.  Most of us are hypocrites.  (Everyone is a hypocrite in some aspect, but I'm focusing on Christianity here.)  Hypocrisy doesn't necessarily mean that we praise God on Sundays and then go back to our daily sinful lives.  Hypocrisy can just be something small, such as saying we love Jesus yet not showing that love to others around us.

"By their fruit you will recognize them.  Do people pick grapes from thronbushes, or figs from thistles?  Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit."
- Matthew 7:16-17 (NIV)

"Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs.  Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it."
- Mark 11:13-14 (NIV)

Jesus curses the fig tree, not because He was upset he couldn't eat any figs, but because he was making an example of what he would do to lukewarm Christians.  If we are trees, we must bear fruit.  We are Christians, we must show that to others.  It's not an effort we must really make, either.  Sure, we should focus on helping others and showing love to others, but if we really are true believers in Jesus, if we truly love Jesus, then this love will come out of naturally, just as trees bearing fruit is a natural cycle.

Nearly all of us became Christians in one of two ways: We were born in a Christian family or we came to Jesus Christ in the times of our greatest struggles.  Many people who are still Christians when born into it came to truly believe in the power of Jesus through a great struggle.

When in the midst of the struggle, we seek out Jesus for help for ourselves.  We need Him to help us.  And that's great.  That's what Jesus wants.  He wants us to look for Him through everything, not just when we need help.  But we naturally seek out help when we are so down in the dirt we can't seem to get up on our own, and that's what Jesus uses to get our attention on Him.

How long has it been since then?  A year?  Two years?  Three years?  More?  Are you still in that same situation, where all you do is still ask Him for help?  Are all your prayers about yourself?  Jesus, I need your help doing this.  Jesus, please give me this, please give me that.

If you are, you must recognize that you are like the fig tree that doesn't bear any fruit.  Yes, you believe that Jesus if your Savior.  Yes, you believe in His almighty power.  But if you truly love Jesus, if you truly understand the greatness of His power, then you would have faith.

"He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm."
- Matthew 8:26 (NIV)

Do not worry.  Right now, everyone is in the midst of some need, some struggle, something we need help with.  It is okay to ask for Jesus for help.  But there is more to this.  You must have faith that Jesus will provide.  Stop worrying, because Jesus will take complete care of you.

"“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.""

- Matthew 6:25-33 (NIV)

Always pray.  I'm not saying you shouldn't pray about these things.  But before, during, and after praying, have faith that God will provide.  Have faith that He will take care of all your needs, and focus on having more of Jesus in your life.  More of His love, more of His wisdom, more of His compassion, more of His grace and mercy.  Pray that Jesus will open up your eyes, ears, and heart, and see everything around you in His light.  Then, as a true follower of Jesus, as a fruit tree in His garden, you will come to bear fruit that is pleasing in the eyes of God.

Do What You Can, When You Can

As Christians we strive to be more like Jesus.  We want to be more loving, more compassionate, more giving.

About a month ago, I went to the BASS Convention.  (Bay Area Sunday School)  The theme was to do what we can, when we can.  I would also like to add something to it: "Do what we can, when we can, how we can."  What we do for others doesn't have to be much.  You don't have to spend your life savings on charitable organizations.  You don't have to go find ten orphans to house and feed.  The idea is, that when we go about our daily lives, every aspect of it should be based around being more like Jesus and always thinking about the other people around you.  (Of course, keeping your heart, mind, and body safe at all times.)

As you're walking to your driveway you see a girl on the sidewalk trying to fix her bike.  Giving just five minutes of your time to ask her if she needs help won't hurt.  Of course if she's asking you to give her a ride in the completely opposite direction from where you need to be wouldn't work.  But you could give her a lift to the nearest bus station or a bike shop.  You'd be doing what you can, when you can, all within your means of giving.

You're walking to your nearest grocery store.  You see a woman in her car struggling for some reason.  All the cars around her are honking at her to get out of the way and she's honking right back at them and cussing them out.  It's obvious she's dealing with something.  It wouldn't hurt to ask her if something was wrong and she needed help.  Giving her fifteen minutes of your time wouldn't hurt your stomach in any way.  If her car ran out of gas, you could help her push her car out of the street.  Maybe she was panicking and forgot what to do in that situation.  You could calm her down and walk her through on how to call her insurance company.  You'd be doing what you can, and when you can, and this is again, all within your means of giving.

The two above situations are actually taken directly from my life.  The bike incident happened just yesterday morning, and the car incident happened months ago.  Yesterday evening, another situation came up.

I was sitting at my computer.  I had just woken from a nap and was thinking about eating.  Then someone knocked on my door.  To me, the next five seconds were crucial.  I could have done one of two things.  I could have ignored the knock, or have opened the door.  I make sure all my friends call me before they get to my apartment.  I don't like unexpected visitors.  A random knock could mean anything.  It could mean a stranger with a gun pointed at my head.  In that situation my parents would tell me to wait it out and see if the person knocks again.  Maybe peek out the window, see who it is.  But definitely don't open the door yet.  Of course, as that one rebellious daughter that I am, I shook that thought away and opened the door.  (I love defying my parents' weird rules and regulations.  It's one of my standards of living:  Always do the opposite of what my parents did.)  I opened the door to see my neighbor in tears, pacing side to side, "Jeen, can you take me to the hospital?"

So I rushed her to the hospital, running about three red lights on the way there.  Safely running the three red lights.  Making sure there no cops or cameras, or other cars crossing the road.  Always be safe, especially when breaking laws.

My neighbor has IBS (irritable bowel syndrome).  She couldn't hold her food down and was vomiting the entire way there.  She had explosive diarrhea, and was shuddering so bad she couldn't stand straight.  Because of her illness, she doesn't have a steady income.  She braids hair for a living, but only when she has clients, and half the time, she has to cancel on them.  She can barely pay for her rent, let alone all the medical bills.  She had been sick for the whole week, and had to cancel about the entire month's rent in clients.

I hadn't tithed in a couple months.  I don't know why.  I wasn't saving it up for anything.  So last week, I had written out a cheque to the church for a couple months worth of tithes.  But I've been feeling really iffy about giving it to the church.  An opportunity came along, though.  Last week, one of the former youth students (now freshman in college) was going on a mission trip and needed help raising money.  I decided to write out the cheque to her.  It didn't feel quite right, but it felt a lot better.  I was even wondering if I should split the cheque and donate part of it to the KLove ministry.  But when I was sitting next to my neighbor at the hospital, I felt something tug at my heart.  When we got back home, I wrote out the cheque to her, so she could cash it in and pay part of the rent with it.  It felt completely right, and very perfect.  This was why I wasn't compelled to tithe for a while.  I started to see how God was working in her life, through me.

It wasn't just the cheque, though.  Last week, I had made dinner plans with another friend of mine.  We were going to meet up at 7:45pm.  The day before, for some reason, I thought it was Tuesday, and I called her asking her where she was.  We decided to meet up that day instead of Tuesday.  If I had remembered it was Monday, if I had met up with that friend on Tuesday instead, I wouldn't have been at my apartment, and no one would have been there to open the door when she knocked.

Tuesday afternoon, I realized that my car was getting low on gas.  I was thinking about waiting it out, and refueling it early in the morning, because that's what I usually do.  But for some reason, I decided to refuel my car on the way back home.  If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have had enough gas to drive my neighbor all the way to the hospital.

You can see through the simplest, tiniest of details, so insignificant that it all seems like a big coincidence, God can orchestrate entire events to help you in your time of need.  He's always there, always looking out for you, always caring about you.  You just can't always see the big picture.

And that's why we have to do our parts.  Every detail, every small, insignificant thing counts.  We should always try to do what we can, and when we can, and how we can.  Through doing so, who knows?  We might just save some lives.

Value of a Person

On Sunday, the youth Pastor was giving a sermon on the roles that men and women play in the Bible.  He talked about how God saw both men and women as equals in their value, but that they had different roles to play in life.  Society was the one that first put a higher value on men over women.  The key point was that although we have different roles to play, we are equal in importance and are both loved dearly by God.

So what does cause us to value one person over the other?  The Pastor talked about how feminism, although good in the ideal of letting the world know that women are just as valuable, puts worth of a women in the position she holds.  A female president is more valuable than just a president's wife.  A female administrator is more valuable than a female secretary.  A female principal is more valuable than a female teacher.  A woman with a job is more valuable than a housewife.  Why is this so?  Is it simply because of the income they get?  It can't be the importance of a particular job that they hold because every miniscule job is important for our society to function.  If we're all part of a big clock, some cogs are bigger than others, but even with a tiny cog missing the clock ceases to work.  So is it the money?  Do we value money over other things so much that the ruler we hold against a person is really measuring their bank accounts?

This is an issue that I had been struggling with for a very long period of time.  To put it bluntly, I measured everyone else as superior, inferior, or equal to me based on their education and potential income.  I thought myself better than most others because of my engineering degree.  I became utterly humiliated when I couldn't get a permanent job in that field.  When others asked me about my educational background, I would try to avoid the subject because someone with my background must definitely be well-off by now.

Honestly I think it's because of the way I grew up.  My parents taught me that education defined the person. They would tell me how ashamed they would be to even hold their heads up at work because they didn't go to college.  They would talk in awe about the parents who were able to send their kids off to Ivy Leagues and look down on those whose kids could do no better than a community college.  They told me that when I got to college, they would support me in every fashion if I went to a good school, but that I would be left on my own if I didn't.  On top of all the college talk, they would constantly tell me that I needed a good job that would make lots of money.  Teaching wasn't an option because it didn't pay well enough.  I feel like this upbringing was the reason I chose chemical engineering in the first place.  It was something that I liked to do, something I was good at, and something that had a potential for a nice fat cheque.

After college, after I moved out, when there was absolutely no one around me to influence my perspectives on other people, my ideas slowly began to change.  Everyone is equally valuable.  No matter how smart they are, or how stupid they are, no matter what job they have, what their educational background is, no matter what they wear, or how they speak, and definitely no matter how rich they are, everyone is equal.  Everyone is just as valuable.  Everyone deserves the exact same respect.  Everyone should expect same treatment.  From the rich white people with their millions of dollars and fur coats to the poor brown people with their unwashed hair and smelly clothes, everyone deserves an equal amount of love, respect, and compassion.

I guess this is still something I struggle with.  I have this one friend who talks before she thinks and is definitely not at all smarter than me.  She's short, has a thick accent, isn't very graceful, and although she's cute, one wouldn't consider her desirable.  Every time I talk to her I have to remind myself that she's a child of God, and is just a precious as me and everyone else I like.  I guess that's the main reason I hang out with her still.  Not because I think she's great and amazing and completely worth my time and attention.  (Yes, I know this is mean, and no, she doesn't know.)  But because I still have to learn to see the inner person and beauty in everyone through God's eyes, and not see people through my own eyes.

All is His

I was thinking back to the Friday when we did the fasting.  Later, at the youth group meeting, the pastor asked everyone a question: what did we learn from fasting?  What insights did we gain?

What I took from this:  God is the one that provides.  Everything is ultimately His.

For weeks leading up to Easter Sunday, God has been providing me with food.  He kept sending someone every week to give me the week's worth of food.  The weekends I would eat through the church.  The day before I was going to fast, I was worried about water.  The tap water is disgusting, and I don't trust that water going into my body.  I didn't have enough money to buy bottled water or a good filter.  So Wednesday night, God provided me with two bottles of water.  I went on a walk with my friend, and he brought water along with him.  One for him, and one for me.  He didn't touch his water bottle, and at the end of the walk, he told me to keep it.

Wow.  I know that the job I have was provided by Him.  God also generously gave me the car I have and the apartment I live in.  He is also providing me with the food I eat and the water I drink.  But I realized, it goes even further.  The air I breathe is given by Him.  The clothes on my back are because of Him.  The socks on my feet are thanks to Him.  Everything I have is because God gave them to me.  The good health I have is thanks to Him.  The hair on my head is thanks to Him.  Everything I have, own, everything...  is thanks be to God.

Thank you God.

Going to Texas

I'm going!!!!  I have an interview on Wednesday, April 24th.  It's a long interview.  I have to bring a lesson plan, and do the lesson plan, show them all the necessary paperwork, etc.  I have three weeks to work on it.  I'm pretty nervous, but the big hurdle, getting the interview, is done and over with.  Apparently there are a lot of applicants, and they only accept about 10% of them.

First off, I want to thank God.  I thank Him for the opportunity, for the experience, and for the interview.  I know that if I do get accepted for the position, it will be completely His will.  I pray that God gives me the wisdom, knowledge, dedication, and His Love so that I may see this through.

Thank you.

Easter and Spring Break

I was sick on Easter Sunday.  I woke up super groggy, not really able to move anywhere.  On top of that it was raining outside.  But I still went to church.  I missed the baptisms, but it's ok.

I also had a spring vacation.  Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I was in Davis hanging out with old housemates and the replacement housemate.  They're amazing.  I wish I could have stayed longer.  I definitely do not miss the allergies that comes with being in Davis, though.