It Comes and Goes

How can I explain depression?  I feel like no one really understands unless they've had depression themselves.

Let me try:

There's a sad, depressed Jeen, and then there's me.  Normal, usually happy Jeen.  Sad Jeen is always lonely.  She needs company, and because happy Jeen is right there, she takes up happy Jeen's attention, so that happy Jeen doesn't have time to be happy.  Happy Jeen watches a lot of shows and stuff when I'm alone because it keeps sad Jeen distracted making me overall less sad.  But when the show ends, sad Jeen is back in full swing.  When I'm about to sleep, sad Jeen is urging me go to the kitchen and take a knife and stab myself.  If happy Jeen were completely unconscious, I might have done just that.  But happy Jeen is aware of what is going on, and uses up all her energy fighting sad Jeen just to keep me in bed and not bleeding all over the floor.  This is a constant daily struggle for me.  So much so that I don't have enough energy to do anything else.  I'm spending all my energy keeping sad Jeen still, spending all my attention entertaining sad Jeen.  So much energy and attention that I don't have time to eat, time to exercise, time to work on any of my hobbies.

Exercising helps release dopamine into your system so that you feel better.  But have you every tried exercising when you just want to pass out because of how tired you are?  It's impossible.  Parents with newborns or young toddlers may understand.  You're spending all of your free time and energy focused on your kids you forget about proper diets and exercise.  Keeping a blog or any other thing to keep you happy?  Forget all of that.  It's not that I don't want to.  I just don't have the resources to do so.

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This was written around two months ago.

It's been about two weeks since sad Jeen went on a vacation.  She'll be back someday, probably, since she always comes back.  But in the meantime I'm exercising, enjoying myself, staying relaxed and happy.  I've been able to read the Bible more, pray more, actually cook, etc.  Yay...  Not really looking forward to sad Jeen coming back, but it's not like I can do anything about it.  I've actually been considering antidepressants for when she does come back.  I'm worried though that I'll get hooked on it or that it will change me in a way I don't like.  Hmmm...  thoughts to think about.