This is the seminary I will be applying to. I'm actually planning on starting it today, and I have 10 days to complete it. It means I have 10 days to get three recommendation letters, one from my pastor. I did send him an email, but I haven't been able to talk to him face to face about it. I'm planning on getting a masters in community leadership, with an emphasis on social ministries. It's basically about nonprofits and whatnot.
To be honest, I don't see a bright path ahead with money rolling in and me living in comfort. It makes me anxious and nervous and even question why I would go down this path. I guess this is because of the way I was brought up. My parents would constantly tell me that I needed to make money later. I needed a good job so I could live in comfort. And because of that background, every job I think of I base off of that standard. If it's a good job, you make a lot of money. If it's not a good job, you're poor. It's a big reason why although I had a huge passion for teaching, I've never pursued a teaching career until after college. I'm starting to realize that money doesn't mean everything to me in my life. Although I've been telling myself that for a very long time now, it still seems to affect many of the decisions I make. And even though the reason I'm trying to go down this path is because of the new lifestyle I'm leading, it makes me nervous because I can't see the dollar signs.
What I mean by my new lifestyle is that I'm trying to follow God in whatever I do and wherever I go. If I'm convicted to do something, I'll obviously pray about it first, and then I'll follow. Well, that's the ideal. I'm trying to follow. Even though the mission trip cost me $300, along with the extra $200 I donated, I still went. I didn't really want to go because of the money, but my heartstrings were being tugged and I went for it. It's also the same with the Horizon Retreat (more on this in another post). It's costing me $120 to go, but my heart was pulled into going. I wasn't going to go on the EM retreat (again in another post). It's costing me $90 to go (I'm paying for me and my friend who's an atheist) but I'm going because my heart is being led to go. But the thing is that these are all short time commitments. A couple months at most. The seminary thing is a lifelong commitment. It means I'm spending at least a year studying the scripture and how I can better serve Christ, and spending the rest of my life doing His works. The dollar signs are unknown and I could probably spend the rest of my life broke. It's scary. Nerve wrecking. So why am I doing this? Because I feel compelled to do so.
I know God will provide everything that is necessary. I know He will never let me get to a point that's unbearable for me. But because I can't see His future provisions right in front of my eyes, it makes it difficult to believe. I guess this is what you call faith. What I'm doing, applying to the seminary, is a huge leap of faith for me. But God is always with me. He's always by my side. He is faithful. He will never let me go.
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