Personally, it's very difficult to care about people. Sure, I have friends, I have a best friend, I have sisters, and I have both a church family and a home family. But do I genuinely care about any of them? Perhaps. I spend time with them. If they wish to spend time with me, I'll gladly sacrifice a bit of my time for them. I'm willing to give up my time because I know that my time is much more important than anything else I can give them. I guess that's a way to show that I care. But I don't think I can bring myself to cry for them. To hurt for them. To love for them. Or to smile for them. Honestly, I oftentimes do so as a way of showing them that what they feel or think about a situation is important, but it's not a reflection of the way I feel. Sympathy? Perhaps. Empathy? Whatever that is, I don't think I have it. It's very difficult for me to care the way they care. I feel I can both live with those people and just as easily live without them. But I do care, and in doing so, I show my care by choosing to live with them. Oftentimes I feel like I don't care enough, and perhaps I should care more. But at the same time I don't want to. Caring puts a burden on me, as if I should do something about it because I care. Isn't it true, that if you genuinely care about something you will do something about it? So at the same time, I choose not to care. Why? Because no one else will care that much about me. I feel like I'm left alone, to wander on my own, to find my own way, to fend for myself. But at the same time I like it. Everything I do is done by my own choices, and I can be sure that I will be there for myself. But because I live in this society I must somehow become a part of others' lives. And as I become a part of theirs they become a part of mine. And now I have no choice but to care.
It's quite difficult.
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