Horizon Retreat

It's been an extremely long time since my last entry.  About a month, I'd say.  Since then, a lot has been going on.  I've been extremely busy, even at work, and have not had time to sit down and think about what I'm going to write up.  But as time passes, there are more and more things that I need to post, so here I am, sitting down, not actually working, and catching up.

So the Horizon Retreat...

The last retreat that I went to was A2BAYLA.  It was in the summer after 11th grade (I think).  I have to say, though, it wasn't that good.  All in all, my youth retreats weren't a very good experience.  The only one that I liked was the A2BAYLA in 10th grade.  It was the one where I had first felt the truth of God's love for us.  I was really looking forward to what the Horizon retreat was going to be like.  I was hoping, now that I'm growing in Christ, that it would be very different from the retreats that I've been to before.  I knew though, that if it was going to be like anything I experienced in middle and elementary school, I wouldn't ever go again.  But I heard a lot of good things about it.  Also, the youth kids at my church are so deep in Christ, that I had some pretty high expectations.  I couldn't go as a student (though that would be wonderful) but I could go as either a volunteer or a counselor.  Because of my need of sleep, I went as a counselor.  All of the volunteers pulled all-nighters, and unfortunately, my body can't really handle lack of sleep well.

So a breakdown:
Expectations
Past Experience (Elementary and Middle School)
Past Experience (10th grade)
What Actually Happened
Next Year

My Expectations:
I wanted to be a good counselor, but I was expecting that the students wouldn't really listen to or respect me.  I was expecting the kids to be there for the fun of hanging out.  I was expecting that I had a lot of responsibility that I probably couldn't handle.  I was expecting a communication barrier between me and the kids.  I was expecting a group of around 15 kids to handle.  Honestly, I was expecting a lot of disappointment.  However, I was still hoping that God would somehow handle everything and that everything would turn out ok.  Fortunately, God was there to handle everything, and everything turned out better than I could have imagined.

Past Experience in Elementary and Middle School
I've been to retreats before.  There was rock climbing, carpetball, swimming, etc.  I went to the retreats because my parents were actually ok with me going, and all I had to do was just have fun for a week.  Usually during the summer, I had summer school, but the retreat was a time when I actually had a vacation.  Unfortunately most of the retreats I went to were extremely charismatic.  During the last services, people were falling down supposedly touched by the Holy Spirit, everyone was babbling in tongue, and there would be other ridiculous 'displays' of God touching someone.  Of course, now that I'm older, I see it very differently.  At the time, I thought most of it was real.  That if the Holy Spirit really did reside in you, you had to speak in tongue, and you would most definitely fall down and have seizures.  It was the way that I was taught.  One of my former pastors told me to pray for the gift of tongue, because that meant that I had the Holy Spirit in me.  The pastors prayed in tongue when praying over us, and all the adults in the church would pray in tongue during prayer time.  During the retreats, I was envious of those that were supposedly touched.  I wanted to fall down like they did.  I wanted to show how I was God's child, too.  So on that last night, when all the pastors in the front were toppling everyone over, I went in line.  So one of the pastors prayed for me.  Something about how God should touch this girl and then babbling.  I closed my eyes and wished real hard.  I didn't feel anything, and so I wanted to leave, but he was grabbing on to me and had his hand on my forehead so hard it was almost as if he was pushing me.  So I gave in.  I pretended that I was touched, and I fell backwards.  (There was even a team of people catching the students as they all fell.)  They laid me down somewhere, and I kept my eyes closed for about 5 minutes before I got up.  As I looked around, I realized that I wasn't the only one faking it.  There were two guys that got up next to me and told each other, "Hey that was fun.  Let's do it again."  I noticed another girl looking around like I was.  I felt ashamed.  I went to hide behind the stage, and saw that there were others there, too.  They were just hanging out, not getting involved, and I joined them.  It was mostly due to this retreat that I started ditching worships and such and only went to retreats for the fun.

Past Experience in 10th Grade
So we got a new youth pastor after the old one left.  I was in the habit of skipping sermons and worship, and only joined everyone else to eat.  But this new pastor wasn't as boring, so I stopped skipping.  The retreat to me seemed the same as any other retreat.  I don't remember if I wanted to go or if my mom was forcing me to go.  But anyways, I was looking forward to the swimming pool.  I was hoping they had rock climbing, or something similar.  It was boring.  Terribly boring.  The only thing I had going for me was the swimming pool.  I don't remember anything else except the swimming pool and that one part of the sermon that changed me.  It had to do with God's love for us, and for the very first time, I really felt it.  God really loved me, so much more than anyone in my life ever had.  I felt something go through me, and I felt warm and embraced.  It was then I realized that being with God and His love had nothing to do with outward displays, such as falling over or speaking in tongue.  Of course, I didn't completely change right away, but my perspective did change.  I stopped skipping out on church, and many things I did afterwards, I did to try and feel that love again.  Unfortunately, it wasn't until March of this year that I felt it.  But what happened after that 10th grade is for some other time.  So overall, I came to know that God was real and not just imagined.  That Christianity was not some big hoax.

What Actually Happened in Horizon
I feel that a lot of people, including me, would go to such a retreat for the extreme emotional highs you can get.  I remember from before how people would cry, jump, and get all sorts of excited.  This time, however, that wasn't the case.  In fact, they didn't do a whole bunch of manipulation of music and lights and a pastor shouting at the top of his lungs to get people to feel something.  Basically, there was no emotional high.  But there was a spiritual high.  It was the first spiritual high I've ever felt.  God's presence truly was in that place.  It filled that place and overflowed to the point where the volunteers (who weren't even at the worship at times) could feel the presence.  I could feel the Holy Spirit's warmth covering me and filling me up, and pouring out of me when I was praying for my kids.  It was amazing.  My kids were really touched, too.  They also told me how they felt the presence of God, and they all opened up to tell me some pretty intimate things.  (I only had 7 kids, yay)  I know that I wasn't a very good counselor and I could have done a lot more for them, but they told me that I was doing a good job, and I was just so glad that they could be blessed through me.  The retreat was so covered in the presence of God that from the get-go I was able to start laying down the parts of my life I was holding on to.  All my weaknesses God was filling up.  I was able to refocus my attention on God, and was reminded to trust God no matter what.  Outside the retreat, it's difficult to focus and difficult to remember.  But ever since March, I've made up my mind to follow Jesus no matter where he leads me, and Horizon was just a big event to remind me.  Here I am now, still following God.  I stopped chasing after my dreams and started chasing after His, and all God has done was bless me.

Next Year
This year I was a counselor, not because I wanted to help the kids necessarily, but more because I wanted to be able to sleep during the retreat.  Next year, I'm planning on sacrificing my precious sleep hours to benefit the people at the retreat and be a volunteer.  It's because of the sacrificing my sleep part.  Things that are difficult to give up for me could be watching dramas, internet in general, etc.  But one thing that I won't part with, even for my sisters, is sleep.  So next year, I'm going to try, and hopefully my body won't go crazy and spew blood everywhere and collapse.  If it starts doing that, I can just catch up on sleep and get other people to cover for me so it won't be too big of a problem.  We'll see.