Hi, I'm a Sociopath

Here is something that I've known about myself for an extremely long time, but I've never told anyone.  Ever.  Yet here I am posting it on this blog.  The point of this blog was to be completely honest with myself.  So far I have been.  And I will continue to be.

I have anti-social personality disorder (ASPD), or a less derogatory way of saying 'sociopathy'.  Please note, sociopathy is not the same as psychopathy.  Psychopathy refer to people that are sociopaths but they go on rampages murdering and whatnot.

The media likes to portray sociopaths as people who constantly try to con others, people who lie, cheat, steal, or just not real people at all.  People without feelings, etc.  That is not at all true, and through a lot of internet searching (a couple weeks worth, for a couple hours everyday), I finally found something that would describe me 100%:



"Let me tell you what it's like being a sociopath:
When a sociopath takes a loss they get angry, not depressed and regretful. They turn their anger outwards towards other people. They blame other people. Sometimes they deflect blame on others on purpose, sometimes they do it subconsciously. Even making a conscious effort to be accountable is a difficult exercise.

When you see the world as a sociopath your life is the most important thing in the world. You feel like you are chosen. You feel like you have a destiny, even when you’re rotting in you’re cell. Even when you’re broke. Especially when you’re not.

With people, you feel entitled to their respect and devotion. You get told how great you are every time you go places, and you don’t need to because you felt great waking up. Because you have so much confidence, other people who look up to you are weak. They are like mystery bags. If something you want is inside, you take it. If its nothing of use, you discard it.

You find it hard to not objectify people, however it's important so you just try with a few people that understand who you are. All the rest of the people who don’t understand you are fools to you.

People are behavioral patterns with few motives. Within minutes of meeting people they find it easy to talk to you and people love talking about themselves. They betray themselves with boasts, name dropping, family history, marital problems, money problems, insecurities, sorry's, excuse me's, is this ok's, and the list goes on. When you see people more and more they become the same. Walking duplicates of each other. Walking tools to be used. Never in your mind did they exist till you found a purpose for them. When that purpose ends they cease to exist.

Noticing peoples body language, mannerisms, insecurities, and behavioral patterns is subconscious. You know how to make people happy and you know how to tear them to pieces. You know who’s a mark and you know who’s schemer. You know a traitor before they know they’ll betray you. People will find you terrible for what you do to the innocent, because only you know they are going to be guilty.

You can make someone feel like they've never met somebody like you in their life, and they haven’t. You know all their insecurities and you fulfill them. They become dependent upon you, because of it. They start feeling empty without you. They get captured in the moment. They feel that this is it, and they are ready to run away forever with you. Sometimes the feeling isn't reciprocal. Sometimes it is.

You don’t respect authority, because you are the authority. You always have ideas on how to run things better. It makes you ambitious  So ambitious  you will do whatever it takes to rise. Sometimes it involves breaking rules, laws, social standards, people and anything else you find unimportant.

Sociopaths are thought to have no morals. You have morals. Interchangeable morals, that you use to justify your actions. A sociopath is a pillar of his own justice. When people violate your sense of justice you feel entitled to ruin them.

Lastly you are always winning. When you lose you win. You live in that delusion until you make it a reality."
(by Ukran, http://sociopathology.org/2013/04/16/sociopathworld/)


But God is good.  He used my sense of purpose to give me a purpose.  He used my ambition to help me overcome trials and tribulations.  He used my sense of authority in a way that is pleasing to Him.  He replaced my original sense of morals to match His.  God can use anyone that is open and willing.  Praise the Lord for His good works.