Have Faith

So after the weeks about compassion, there was the week about prayer the week before National Prayer Day, which I'll talk more about in my next post.

Then there were two weeks on me having more faith in God.  There are many things that I know about God's character, and about what I should be like, how I should be acting, but all those things that I know I only know in my head.  The information is there, but I just can't seem to believe in them wholeheartedly.  Like having more faith in God, because I know that God will never fail me.  God is always faithful.  He is never changing.  He knows all.  Everything will happen properly, according to His time.  And all I have to do is just believe in it.  Just have faith that things will happen according to His plan.

Yes, this has something to do with the interview.  Two weeks ago was my interview.  They told me that they would let us know in two weeks.  It's been two weeks.  I have had neither a phone call nor an email yet.

I feel like this Teaching Fellows in Forth Worth is the right thing for me.  I know that when I'm there, I can grow more.  That I can mature in God before I continue on in my journey around the...  world (maybe).  That's why I applied.  The way things have been going, the fact that I even got the interview was God's way of telling me that this was the right thing to do.  So I even bought plane tickets to go there.  I really do believe that this is the right path for me.

But starting about a week ago, I've been panicking.  What if this doesn't work out?  What am I going to do? Am I really going to be stuck here?  I felt lost again, abandoned again, like I did when I moved out of my parent's house.  I remember that afterwards I could see God having been with me through the whole ordeal. I just couldn't see it then.  So I also know that now, God is still with me.  Even though I can't clearly see Him, I know that He is there.  But this I know in my head.  Not in my heart.  It's difficult.

I got to talk to one of my friends on Saturday.

Side note:
I really can tell that this is the right path for me.  I got a part-time job on Saturdays helping out with that friend.  Her family owns a business, and she's letting me work there on Saturdays for this month.  It will really help me financially because of the whole moving thing.

Anyways, I talked about my trip in Fort Worth, about the whole me getting lost on the freeway thing.  And she restated my story in a way that clearly pictured what I was going through.  When I stopped at the In-n-Out and charged my phone, I opened up my GPS and found that I was right in the middle of the airport and my motel.  Even though I may have been lost, and I was struggling finding the right highways to go on, from a bird's eye point of view, I was on the right path.  I guess that's what it looks like right now.  I feel lost.  I feel confused.  I can't see more than a few hours ahead of me.  I have to make decisions, but I feel like I can't make the right choices because I don't have enough information about what might happen.  But in God's point of view, I'm on the right track.  I'm not lost.  I'm headed towards His goal for me.  I just need to have a little more faith.  It's like I'm walking blind on a road I've never been on before.  I hear His voice and I'm walking towards it.  I just have to have faith that He'll keep me away from curbs and potholes.

So a bit of background on why this is so difficult for me:
I have this need to know everything that's going to happen.  I'm a planner.  I plan things out and I do them.  This year after college has been especially difficult because I couldn't see past a week or two at a time.  When I was in high school, I had my future planned out.  I knew what colleges I was going to apply to, what SAT's I was going to take, what AP classes I was going to pass, what my major was going to be, and all of this in about the 10th grade.  In college, I knew what classes I was going to take in what quarter for years at a time.  I knew what internships I would apply to, etc.  I felt like I had everything planned out.  But in case my plan doesn't go the way I want it to, I always had a plan B.  And I was always prepared.  In case one internship went south, I had already applied to another one.  In case one class was full or clashed with another class, I had backup classes that I could take.  In case my weekend plans didn't work out because of something, there was always something else I could do.  I always have a plan B.  I think it's because of the way I grew up.  My mom always has a plan B prepared, too.  And when I told her about the Texas job, that's all she could talk about for a good hour.  What would I do if I ended up staying here?  What about my credential just in case?  Did I apply for a school here in case I couldn't go there?  What job did I apply for just in case the Texas job didn't work out?  Normally, I would have had all these things prepared.  But this is a special case.  I really feel like this is a calling.  There is no plan B.  I have to just close my eyes and dive in.

So here I go.  Also posting this in a leap of faith.  Because if it doesn't work out, then I'll feel stupid.  But God is always faithful.  Now I just have to trust in Him.


Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Roman 4:18-21 (NIV)