We Love God?

Let me start off with saying that I'm an INTJ.  I have difficulties letting emotions process and if they ever come up I try to suppress them.  Being filled with any strong emotion, be it sadness, happiness, etc, is almost like being drunk.  I feel lightheaded, and I start doing things outside of my control.  I like being clearheaded, clear minded, and I don't mind sacrificing what I feel that I want over what I know that I need.  Sacrifices can include things such as movies, books, etc, but can also include people.  In other words, cutting off ties with people is no problem for me.  Although I tend to linger on such people because of my useless emotions, once I cut off a tie, it gets pretty well cut off.  Of course, every once in a while, my thinking side gets worn out and my feeling side takes over...  which I wish wouldn't happen.

So imagine how I felt when I see the guy I love through the window of the BART train I was in as it was leaving.  (Not that I want to be with him or anything.  I may have feelings for him, but pursuing him is something I will not do.)  I haven't seen him in over half a year, much less talk to him.  I did end up sending a text and an email, but like I said, stupid feeling side.  My chest started to hurt, and I of course tried to suppress it.  For me, it is unfortunate that I cannot choose who I love and who I don't.  I don't like how being in love makes you slightly irrational.  I don't like how my mind wanders off to thinking about him, and I definitely don't like how my heart hurts whenever I try to suppress these emotions.  Then a couple days later, the same thing happens.  I'm on BART, and through my window I see him.  Granted, it may not have been him at all.  It most certainly may have been my mind wanting to think that I was seeing him.  But anyways, according to my eyes and my brain, I saw him.  And I was wishing that I hadn't.

Then I started to think, how do I love God?  Am I loving God with the type of love that I can turn on and off at will?  Shouldn't I be loving God to the point of irrationality, the way God gave up everything to love us?  Shouldn't I love God to the point where He's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I sleep?  Shouldn't I love Him to the point where I can't wait to talk to Him and hear His voice?  Shouldn't I love Him so much that I can't wait until the day that I get to seem Him in person?  What's the point of singing about love if I don't feel it?  Instead of trying to suppress these feelings of love, I should embrace them.  So what if I get sad because I don't see this guy?  By embracing these ridiculous feelings of love, I can learn even more what it is to be in love with God.