Very Sad Dream

I haven't had these sad dreams in a very long time, where I'd wake up in the middle of the night crying.  In the dream I felt completely lost, and I was bawling.  My heart was aching, and I didn't even have the strength to stand.  While I was in the dream, it felt completely real.  I was in my apartment, and the details were all there.  My dirty grey car parked on my spot in the parking lot, my messy apartment with papers and plastic bags everywhere, even my bed with the hair on the floor and computer sitting next to my mirror.

So this was the dream:
I was going to have lunch with A per usual, but he never showed.  I was a little upset, until I found out later that he had died in a car accident.  I was extremely upset, partly because I wasn't invited to his funeral, but mostly because he hadn't become Christian (or as much as I knew) before he had died.

That Sunday I went to church, hoping to have my spirits uplifted.  I couldn't find E anywhere.  She really knew how to make people smile.  Later, our pastor came in to start worship.  We started off with a moment of silence for E because she had died in a car accident that morning on the way to church.  Now I was very sad.  There was no one around to cheer me up, either.  But mostly, I felt relieved because E was a very strong Christian and I knew she would be blessed up in heaven.

So I called S.  I hadn't talked to him in nearly half a year, and wanted to spill out my guts to him.  Everything from thank you's to how I felt at the moment.  Unfortunately, he never picked up my calls.  Later I found out that he had died a while ago.  I felt very frustrated and upset, mostly at myself for not calling him sooner and hanging out with him more.  I regretted how little time I spent with him before he had passed.

I was obviously very sad because I found out three of the closest people to my heart had died within the same week.  I called my sister (the middle one) so we could talk about what was going on in my life.  She drove over, but on the way she was killed in a car accident.  (By then I should have known it was a dream because she can't drive yet.)  Now not only was I very frustrated, but I was extremely depressed.  My sister, whom I had loved so much, had passed away, along with three of my friends.  I knew I shouldn't cry too much because she was also a very strong believer, but I had loved her so much I couldn't help myself.  I was crying very hard, and was drenched in tears.

Later that evening, my mom came by to grieve with me.  I felt bad because I was so focused on myself, when my mom had just lost a child.  I was crying my heart out, but she wasn't.  I thanked her for being here for me, even though she didn't have to.  Then I told her that she can't die for a very long time because she had to take care of me.  She then told me that it was her job to take care of me, and not only that but it was also her job to take care of our pastor, and even though she doesn't want to, she will stay around for us for a very long time.

Then I woke up.

As a result of this dream, I have figured out the next step to my relational life.  I am bringing A with me to this retreat, and I should continue to pray for him.  I should follow E's example in staying a steadfast Christian under any circumstances.  I texted S so I could talk to him so I won't have any regrets about keeping in touch with him.  And I'm going to continue to show my sister how much I love her.  I will also continue to be thankful for my mom, and I will try to show more of my love to her.