I'm not very good at handling stress. My body functions slowly start shutting down. I can feel my mental capabilities slowing. I become irrational despite my awareness. This results in my sleeping for hours at a time, random crying, and illness.
So Saturday was an extremely stressful day for me. I had an interview at 12:30 down in Menlo Park. It's slightly over an hour drive.
It's 8:30. I wake up, and realize that my phone isn't charged. It's down to 7%, and I have only a semi-full battery case. I charge what I can before I go out to get some breakfast at Denny's. I forget how busy it is on Saturdays. Fortunately it wasn't that busy when I got there, and there were only two families before me in line. I asked to be seated at the bar so I don't have to wait to be seated. I sit down, but no one comes to take my order until 15 minutes later. That's fine, I have time. A waitress brings out the food for the person next to me and then takes my order. It's a simple dish, one I always get. And so I wait. And wait. And wait. The lady next to me is almost done eating. It's been nearly half an hour since I ordered. It's 11:10 now. Will I have time to eat before I have to leave? I tell myself that once it hits 11:15 I'll leave. It's 11:14. The waitress stops by. She tells me she'll go check on my food. It's 11:19 now and she's nowhere to be seen. The clock hits 11:20 and so I leave. I thought I had enough time to make it to my interview. Until I look down and realize I'm still wearing my flip-flops. So now I'm going 25 over the speed limit rushing home so I can put on the right shoes. By the time I leave it's 12:33. Now I'm going to be late. The only way to get there on time is to drive fast. I'm going 75 for five minutes until I have to come to a near complete halt. There's been a car accident. I look at my GPS and I realize that I have to shave off nearly 10 minutes from my drive. Fortunately besides that car accident there weren't any other sources of traffic besides the constant one around Berkeley. I went 80 down the freeway the whole time, and I was able to get there five minutes early. But the interviewers weren't there yet. One of them came on time, but the other was half an hour late. I took that opportunity to interact with the employees already there and ask about the curriculum. When the other interviewer came, we had a nice discussion. The interview itself went fairly well. I had to take half an AP Calc and AP Chem test as an assessment. By the time I was finished, it was nearly 5:30. The AP Calc test went fairly well. I tutor Calculus all the time. The AP Chem test went horribly, however. I never took AP Chem before, and I had no idea what to expect. I forgot many of the things I remember learning in high school and college. The last time I had even tutored someone was four or five years ago. As I leave, I look down at my phone and remember that my phone had only been partially charged to begin with, and now my battery is down to 13%. I try to backtrack as much as I can, but had to use my GPS for a while. The app is extremely draining on my battery and so I close the GPS so I can still use my phone in case of emergencies. And then I got lost. I knew I missed a couple turns because I had never seen this place before. Instead of driving towards Hayward, I'm driving up to San Francisco. I open the GPS for a while, making sure that I could see call boxes within my vicinity. I'm supposed to take the very next exit coming up in 3 seconds, and I'm three lanes away. I end up making the exit and now I'm back on the right track. I make sure I know where I should go next, and I close the app again. But now my phone's down to 3%. I get home around 6:30. I had no food all day, half a bottle of Snapple and half a cup of water. I was almost late to the interview because I had forgotten my shoes and I had done terribly on the assessment test. And to top it all off, I had gotten lost on the way back home. It was a very stressful day.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Horizon 2014
Last year Horizon, I went as a counselor. This year, I went as a volunteer. I wasn't doing very well spiritually, and my church was (still is) going through a very difficult time. I really wanted to go again, but I didn't feel it would be appropriate to be a counselor for a group of kids that would look up to me. So this time I went as a volunteer. Basically I went there for myself. Last year I barely got any sleep. For someone who can't function without at least 8 hours of sleep every night, I was getting 5. I ended up bleeding from my ears at the end of the retreat, and I crashed for days on end. This time, going as a volunteer, our schedules are pretty relaxed. I was able to get enough sleep. There was also the added perk of being in the cabins with actual windows. That's right, the counselors and the students had to sleep with flaps covering their windows instead of glass. But it wasn't enough. I thought going as a volunteer would mean I would be more blessed. How very selfish of me. I was only thinking for myself. I wanted to use those days for myself, and not have to give all of my attention to the kids. But for some reason (and it should be) it wasn't working for me. But afterwards I started paying more attention to the people around me, including other volunteers and the kids at the retreat. I started praying for them instead of myself. God really does want us to care about other people ahead of ourselves. The blessings I received from the retreat were actually blessings sent by God through other people. It was a wonderful feeling.
So next year, no more Horizon for me. Horizon is a retreat designed for the youth kids. My sister will go, but I won't (unless things change within the next year). I stopped being a youth teacher, and I've lost quite a bit of heart for them. If I ever do go again, though, it will definitely be as a counselor. For now, I will be focusing on my church, and the young adult ministry.
Oh, and somehow I've unintentionally picked up all of the responsibilities for the children's classes for our church. How did that happen...
So next year, no more Horizon for me. Horizon is a retreat designed for the youth kids. My sister will go, but I won't (unless things change within the next year). I stopped being a youth teacher, and I've lost quite a bit of heart for them. If I ever do go again, though, it will definitely be as a counselor. For now, I will be focusing on my church, and the young adult ministry.
Oh, and somehow I've unintentionally picked up all of the responsibilities for the children's classes for our church. How did that happen...
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Two Bad Dreams
Over the past two nights, I've had two bad dreams. It's one of those conspiracy dreams, where I'm the protagonist, things start happening, and I very slowly uncover facts that freak me out.
First Dream:
My friend and I, along with some people from church, were at Bodega Bay. We were walking along, and we came to a small intersection. The intersection was upside-down Y shaped. One road went down to the right, while the road we were on (bottom left) ended at the intersection. It is important to note that there aren't a lot of intersections in the area. It was cloudy, and starting to get dark. Several cars passed by from the top part of the road. One of them was a very expensive, blue BMW. My friend and I talked about the cars that passed, both good and bad. But right after we talked about the BMW, we saw the exact same one (with headlights on) pass by in the exact same way. We thought that was weird, but we took that opportunity to talk more about the car. Then it passed by again. I didn't tell anyone, but I knew that it was the exact same car, and it only passed by us when we were saying something bad about it. I knew it was impossible for the car to come around that quickly, so I tested it. I said something nice about the car. Then I waited. No car. Then I said something bad about the car. The car appeared. The really weird thing was that not only was it the exact same car, but it came in the exact same fashion, with the exact same sounds, being on exactly the same part of the road, and even the glare in the headlights were exactly the same. It was like I was rewatching a clip from a movie. After that, my friend finally caught on. So we tested it again. The car came around, and this time I looked closely. There was no driver.
Second Dream:
I was with my church at the summer retreat. I must have overheard some type of conversation, or saw something I shouldn't have because as we were leaving, the youth pastor came up to me and told me that There is a high chance I'm being stalked, so rather than take my car (which could be tracked) or walk home from a short-cut bus route, I should take the bart and the bus directly home. (Apparently I did not live where I currently live in the dream. I lived on some part of San Pablo Ave.) I thought it was strange. Why would I be stalked? Can't I just confront the person? But thinking about the strange whispers I had heard and the pastor's shaky voice, I decided I would take the bart and the bus home. I made sure absolutely no one was following me. No one that got off the bart went on the bus with me, and the only people that got on the bus with me was this homeless guy who was already at the bus stop and one of the guys from the praise team at the retreat. I get on the bus, but the bus misses my stop. The bus speeds up. I get up so I could talk to the driver, but the bus driver turns to look at me. He had a mask and a gun pointed in my direction. It really freaked me out. What was going on? This is way more than just stalking. This guy knew where I was going, where I lived, and planned things out in advance, which meant he was working with other people. I was somehow involved in something serious, but I had no clue what it was. I turned around, and saw the homeless guy sleeping in the back corner of the bus, but the other guy was nowhere to be seen. I thought maybe he was part of it, but apparently he had just been hiding behind a seat because he jumped out, somehow threw the driver out of the bus, and took control of the bus. While he was driving, we discussed about what we should do. Should he turn the bus around and drive me back home? No, it was too risky. They had obviously planned this, which meant they had a bus tracker and they know where I live. There was a high chance that if I went home, I would die. But the driver had obviously only targeted me, and not him, so it would be safer to find a route to his place. We decided to keep driving on the bus route. At one of the stops we jumped out and we made a run for it, up a tall foresty hill, waited for some time, and got on a different bus back to his place. (That was the end of the dream... There were dead people in there somewhere but I have no idea exactly where it fit in the timeline.)
First Dream:
My friend and I, along with some people from church, were at Bodega Bay. We were walking along, and we came to a small intersection. The intersection was upside-down Y shaped. One road went down to the right, while the road we were on (bottom left) ended at the intersection. It is important to note that there aren't a lot of intersections in the area. It was cloudy, and starting to get dark. Several cars passed by from the top part of the road. One of them was a very expensive, blue BMW. My friend and I talked about the cars that passed, both good and bad. But right after we talked about the BMW, we saw the exact same one (with headlights on) pass by in the exact same way. We thought that was weird, but we took that opportunity to talk more about the car. Then it passed by again. I didn't tell anyone, but I knew that it was the exact same car, and it only passed by us when we were saying something bad about it. I knew it was impossible for the car to come around that quickly, so I tested it. I said something nice about the car. Then I waited. No car. Then I said something bad about the car. The car appeared. The really weird thing was that not only was it the exact same car, but it came in the exact same fashion, with the exact same sounds, being on exactly the same part of the road, and even the glare in the headlights were exactly the same. It was like I was rewatching a clip from a movie. After that, my friend finally caught on. So we tested it again. The car came around, and this time I looked closely. There was no driver.
Second Dream:
I was with my church at the summer retreat. I must have overheard some type of conversation, or saw something I shouldn't have because as we were leaving, the youth pastor came up to me and told me that There is a high chance I'm being stalked, so rather than take my car (which could be tracked) or walk home from a short-cut bus route, I should take the bart and the bus directly home. (Apparently I did not live where I currently live in the dream. I lived on some part of San Pablo Ave.) I thought it was strange. Why would I be stalked? Can't I just confront the person? But thinking about the strange whispers I had heard and the pastor's shaky voice, I decided I would take the bart and the bus home. I made sure absolutely no one was following me. No one that got off the bart went on the bus with me, and the only people that got on the bus with me was this homeless guy who was already at the bus stop and one of the guys from the praise team at the retreat. I get on the bus, but the bus misses my stop. The bus speeds up. I get up so I could talk to the driver, but the bus driver turns to look at me. He had a mask and a gun pointed in my direction. It really freaked me out. What was going on? This is way more than just stalking. This guy knew where I was going, where I lived, and planned things out in advance, which meant he was working with other people. I was somehow involved in something serious, but I had no clue what it was. I turned around, and saw the homeless guy sleeping in the back corner of the bus, but the other guy was nowhere to be seen. I thought maybe he was part of it, but apparently he had just been hiding behind a seat because he jumped out, somehow threw the driver out of the bus, and took control of the bus. While he was driving, we discussed about what we should do. Should he turn the bus around and drive me back home? No, it was too risky. They had obviously planned this, which meant they had a bus tracker and they know where I live. There was a high chance that if I went home, I would die. But the driver had obviously only targeted me, and not him, so it would be safer to find a route to his place. We decided to keep driving on the bus route. At one of the stops we jumped out and we made a run for it, up a tall foresty hill, waited for some time, and got on a different bus back to his place. (That was the end of the dream... There were dead people in there somewhere but I have no idea exactly where it fit in the timeline.)
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Bored
No more depression. It's been gone for about a month now. No thoughts of suicide. I have motivation to move around, go to work, etc. But the constant boredom due to my personality has come around instead. Going to work everyday is terribly boring. It's the same work over and over. I don't care that I'm getting paid well or that it's an important job for the department. It doesn't excite me. I like being put in a position where I have to constantly be on my feet, thinking through things, adapting to incoming situations. Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't engage in any major criminal activities when I was younger. (Stealing from stores and being around illegal drug activity are minor offenses, although it did get my heart racing a little.) Sometimes I wonder if I'm just an adrenaline junkie. I like rock climbing and bouldering. Climbing buildings can be fun. Looking over cliffs with my toes on the edge... I would love to go hang-gliding, skydiving, and bungee-jumping, but I don't have any money for that. So in the meantime, until I can find something fun to do, here I go, back to work. Ugh.
Late Bloomer
I was a really late bloomer. Most girls start puberty at 12 and reach both physical and mental maturity by the age of 16. I didn't start puberty until the age of 16 and I finally reached maturity by the time I was 20. I am therefore lagging behind physically (not sure about mentally... maybe?), and realized that the many comments I get about how I don't look my age directly result from this. I look half a decade younger. But that makes sense. I guess it can be good. I also realize my parents didn't understand this about me which resulted in a lot of trouble for me when I was in high school.
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